I wish,

I wish I was a little bit taller
I wish I was a baller
I wish I had a girl who looked good, I would call her
I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat
And a six four Impala..

This song has been stuck in my head for a while now, so I will let it inspire my post. 

I have spent a really enormous amount of my life wishing, wishing I was other things. Not necessarily taller, but other things. Accepted, part of a family, included, valued, needed, wanted. Wanted being the key.

I have skipped from relationship to relationship not all of them being physical mind you but most of my life I have been searching for something, looking for connection and belonging, a safe harbour.

I don’t have the answer to this searching as it’s still a big part of my life,  but I do have some thoughts.

I wonder and suspect I am not alone in this, I am not the first human to seek connection through channels which are not always the most healthy. You see I’ve had my share of trial and error – Relationships, over achieving or as some people say I am what you call a high achiever. I’ve delved as deeply as you could possibly go exploring religion, I have walked lines of self sacrifice, martyrdom and overt volunteerism. Strangely – or perhaps not, I am still unsure. unsatisfied and unfulfilled. So Searching. See below, she is me.

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She is me, yes.

I see her differently than I see me.

We are learning about one another. She is perched in chaos. As I usually am, as in one way or an other, we all are. I see her, arms raised in flow. She is honoring change, which is indicative of the new moon – rather than shying away from it. She is honoring the universe with the the Star, the star that biblically has been followed as a guiding light. I too seek guidance. Inside the shell, which you can not see is the infinite, she is the guardian of this possibility, she is the governess of all her potential. SHE CHOOSES. She is me, she is the harnesser of all that she encounters in the world.

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I have learned there are things that ease this feeling of searching and as someone once said, and the universe tells me in a myriad of ways – Do more of what you love. This is the key I think, simply put – find the things you love to do and then do them. It’s a rather simple decision when we remove the complexity of our super ego’s and our concern for the world’s perception of us… For me, spending time in nature, working out rigorously, drinking coffee early in the morning perched in a warm sunny spot with a beautiful vista, or a warm body next to me. Reading for hours. Driving with no destination, boarding planes to new places, exploring, trying new things that scare me, being in my freshly cleaned home and preparing for a visitor, being surrounded by order, but also being surrounded by chaos, crawling into bed early, standing infront of a blank canvas, standing in the middle of a crowd waiting for a show, making love in the wee early morning as the light is just about to break dawn, sleeping under the stars, silently processing the possibility of it all.

I found yesterday a moon stone Pendant. It’s been interesting watching the order of things from this past Super New Moon to now, it’s been five days, funny about 5’s lately too but that’s another post. Things are washing rhythmically, like waves crashing in and out. The order of my life is changing once again. This new gem, I am filled with gratitude I knew I would eventually have one in my possession, but for the last few years the timing wasnt right, yesterday I just knew.

A stone for “new beginnings”, Moonstone is a stone of inner growth and strength.  It soothes emotional instability and stress, and stabilises the emotions, providing calmness.  Moonstone enhances intuition, promotes inspiration, success and good fortune in love and business matters.

I will leave you with this,

http://www.mysticmamma.com/weekly-guidance-from-kaypacha-my-deepest-true-identity-is-emerging-from-within/

“My deepest true identity,
Is emerging from within,
No longer defined as right or wrong,
Incapable of sin.”

 

 

Willow Street Trail.

I started running again the other day. It’s funny it’s been such a long time but over the last few months I have been thinking about it, a lot. Craving the way I feel when I run. Free, strong, and in control. Pretty much the exact opposite of how I normally feel these days. I’m exhausted, unsure and alone. I feel very much, out of control.

I realized something else too, I haven’t been listening much to music these last few years. It’s odd that I typed years, as I hate to admit this but my life has been so chaotic that literally two years have just gone by and I barely even noticed. Gah. My heart hurts for this. My hustle and the struggles with DS – it’s hard to admit. During this time I just sort of let things get quiet and started to listen to talking. Always talking, podcasts, audio books, and other such things. My reason – it’s educational. I am learning, which means I have been utilizing my time in a more efficient manner. What a weird paradox right? That sounds stupid really but that’s what I have been doing. No passion in that. At all.

And now I am just tired.

A few week ago the medic sent me a song, it was very unusual for him to do so for he and  I do NOT share the same taste in music at all. It was this song.

 

The whole damn world is a cage… oh God I hope she escapes. But that’s just life.

It’s a sad song. It’s speaks to my current sad heart.

I loved it.

This song, It was also the first red flag I have ever genuinely felt from him. I sent it RG, as I knew he would appreciate it and then I moved on. After that day however the song kept coming up, those lyrics, the melody the everything made me feel deeply liking crying and running and running away right into a storm.  And that’s when it changed. I did decide to run. I ran hard and just like that, the raging inside me caaaaaaalllllmmmmed down. I relaxed my shoulders, unclenched my fists and cleared my head. It was as if I never stopped. I pushed myself and like a barefooted warrior I darted through the mystical afternoon light.

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I have created for myself a playlist to go with this run. It’s the perfect length. I will add it below.

https://itunes.apple.com/ca/playlist/willow-st-run/idpl.09ce59e76b07414781295811a7265600

  1. See Her Out
  2. Thunder
  3. Believe
  4. Whatever it takes
  5. Oh Shit
  6. Can’t Hold Me Down
  7. TumbiWOW
  8. Hand Clap
  9. Where does the Good Go?
  10. Not Easy
  11. Another Love
  12. Hoping
  13. Hungry Like a Wolf.

I have no idea what I am doing these days, I am on a new career track, most days I feel like I am drowning. The medic and I have been under duress for ages, it’s hot and cold at best. When it’s hot I love it, when it’s cold I am feel stuck. I miss him sometimes and he is standing right in front of me. I feel so disconnected. Untethered. Alone.

I am going to go back to work, today I am muscling my way through. It’s hard to breathe. You couldn’t tell though if you saw me. It’s my mask. Like the running, the mask has also been resurrected. It still fits.

– xo

15 minutes, then go.

I have about 15 minutes of me time right now before I will be off to meet a friend for coffee, followed by a trip to Coombs to my favorite book store and then a little walk to the English River Falls. This is me grabbing hold of my day and making it my own.

Last week was challenging, emotionally challenging for sure. I had to make a trip home from the mountain at 1 am, for DS who was having a rough night. I ended up walking in to a horrible situation. DH had physically/emotionally accosted DS. My heart broke. Although physically ‘OK’ – DS for the first time had the opportunity to direct his deep and long carrying anger in the right direction. We talked for several hours, just him & I. I think DS finally reached that place. The ENOUGH place.

That’s in my opinion a good place to start building a new life – it’s a place of resiliency and strength. That’s what’s going on with DS.

I am truly and deeply proud of him.

Work has been going well, it’s a heavy lift this year building out all these ministries BUT I feel confident that I am the one for the job. Key thing for me right now is organization. I am trying to work out most evenings, gratefully the gas is at such a good price that I can afford to drive back and forth. So a main thing for me in keeping on top of my schedule is food prep.

This weeks Menu:

Sunday: tonight I am going to make a Beef, Broccoli, Green Bean Stir Fry w/ Quinoa.

Monday: Buffalo Chicken Bowls, I will slow cook my chicken to make the prep easier.

Tuesday: Quick BLT’s on Romaine Lettuce to cut the carbs.. this one I am looking forward to.

Wednesday: DS is cooking for himself – He has recently learned how to grill chicken..

Thursday: I am going to make stuffed peppers with black beans and Quinoa. – Easy and YUM.

Friday: I will grill some chicken and everyone can eat when ever as I work that night.

Saturday: DS is cooking for himself again as I work a long shift.

Sunday, well I will figure that out NEXT Sunday.

I love being organized, it makes me feel safe and happy.

Time to go get dressed, time to take on the day.

Take long walks in stormy weather of through deep snows in the fields and woods, if you would keep your spirits up. Deal with brute nature. Be cold and hungry and weary. – HDT.