I started running again the other day. It’s funny it’s been such a long time but over the last few months I have been thinking about it, a lot. Craving the way I feel when I run. Free, strong, and in control. Pretty much the exact opposite of how I normally feel these days. I’m exhausted, unsure and alone. I feel very much, out of control.
I realized something else too, I haven’t been listening much to music these last few years. It’s odd that I typed years, as I hate to admit this but my life has been so chaotic that literally two years have just gone by and I barely even noticed. Gah. My heart hurts for this. My hustle and the struggles with DS – it’s hard to admit. During this time I just sort of let things get quiet and started to listen to talking. Always talking, podcasts, audio books, and other such things. My reason – it’s educational. I am learning, which means I have been utilizing my time in a more efficient manner. What a weird paradox right? That sounds stupid really but that’s what I have been doing. No passion in that. At all.
And now I am just tired.
A few week ago the medic sent me a song, it was very unusual for him to do so for he and I do NOT share the same taste in music at all. It was this song.
The whole damn world is a cage… oh God I hope she escapes. But that’s just life.
It’s a sad song. It’s speaks to my current sad heart.
I loved it.
This song, It was also the first red flag I have ever genuinely felt from him. I sent it RG, as I knew he would appreciate it and then I moved on. After that day however the song kept coming up, those lyrics, the melody the everything made me feel deeply liking crying and running and running away right into a storm. And that’s when it changed. I did decide to run. I ran hard and just like that, the raging inside me caaaaaaalllllmmmmed down. I relaxed my shoulders, unclenched my fists and cleared my head. It was as if I never stopped. I pushed myself and like a barefooted warrior I darted through the mystical afternoon light.
I have created for myself a playlist to go with this run. It’s the perfect length. I will add it below.
- See Her Out
- Whatever it takes
- Oh Shit
- Can’t Hold Me Down
- Hand Clap
- Where does the Good Go?
- Not Easy
- Another Love
- Hungry Like a Wolf.
I have no idea what I am doing these days, I am on a new career track, most days I feel like I am drowning. The medic and I have been under duress for ages, it’s hot and cold at best. When it’s hot I love it, when it’s cold I am feel stuck. I miss him sometimes and he is standing right in front of me. I feel so disconnected. Untethered. Alone.
I am going to go back to work, today I am muscling my way through. It’s hard to breathe. You couldn’t tell though if you saw me. It’s my mask. Like the running, the mask has also been resurrected. It still fits.