It was one of those long nights that just passed, familiar. I was home alone as I usually am on a Monday night. This is in the heart of the matter. I am struggling right now facing life alone. I have a boy I don’t want, I want a boy I can’t have, a boy I like doesn’t like me and I have the superficial attention of the original. I am sure that seems extremely far from alone, yet none of that is giving me the substance I am looking for, in fact it’s no longer a matter of searching, more accurately that I am craving.
I think it’s time to refocus my energy & attention on ME.
I have a day off today. I have loosely made plans with the medic but tbh, he is so distant lately, I can’t even be sure we are doing anything. I texted him about 20 minutes after he texted me yesterday around dinner time, and he STILL hasn’t texted me back. I feel the need to walk, or at least reestablish the friend boundaries. I like the safety in friends. People don’t leave you in friendships. Usually.
Roots By Imagine Dragons
I know it’s gotta go like this, I know
Hell will always come before you grow
Trouble found me…
Here is where I am at: Yesterday I was volunteering at a soup kitchen and this man walked up to me with the most friendly eyes and we started chatting. His name is Alan and he had the most Dad like energy. We chatted for a few minutes before he got to the point, my encounter. He started speaking to me about the importance of taking care of my self, about how I am a natural martyr and that if I don’t pause and put myself first, reestablish my strong, safe and sturdy foundation I won’t be able to serve anyone.
I know I haven’t been writing at all lately, I think more or less I was afraid to share my real thoughts in case someone were to stumble upon this. Now, I can’t think of a better way to reflect about life. It’s what I come back too, it’s how I process thought. I had to buy a crappy keyboarded laptop, I miss my Mac if I am being honest. I don’t care though, I just want to start moving forward again. I think Alan was right, I am sick. I have an ulcer right now, I am tired and I can’t seem to get my tummy stuff sorted. It’s time to put ME first again.
Today, I am going to do something I want to do.
In the meantime, here is a picture from the other day at Camp Homewood, the youth camp I was working at last weekend. I got up early, grabbed a coffee and drank it here.
Operation Come Back to Life, Begins.