I wonder sometimes, where did my resiliency come from? Why have I some how managed to make it so far, through so much to get me here, and now when I look up and around I am in this huge pit of darkness again. This isn’t the melodramatic fog I sometimes deal with, it’s this other thing. Something worse. My life is actually falling apart at the seams and I don’t really have anyone to turn to, to help and for the first time ever I feel completely in over my head.
I am doing all the things I am supposed to be doing, despite them being fucking hard. I don’t get thanked nor praise, I am cleaning up a literal mess and that’s just the way it is. I can’t walk away now, I am in this place and I’m alone.
I don’t know how to parent my kids surrounded by this much trauma, never have I ever felt things so out of contol. Ds has a serious eating disorder, he’s dealing with repercussions from years of emotional abuse and I am the one he takes all his moods out on. He’s hurting and in trouble and ill prepared for life right now. I know I am always away working, but that becuase we live an hour and a half away from where I work. In the beginning he was so helpful, I felt like we were operating as a team – I’ve been kind and consistent with him as I though that would be benificial for his mental health, now though i’ll admit I sort of feel like a maid. He just walked in here at eleven at night after being at the gym for hours and got mad at me becuase all day he only ate 4 chicken legs because I made potatoes instead of rice.
Ummm. Excuse me?! Nipping that in the but IMMEDIATELY.
I’m mentally exhausted. I have zero support here, I litterally wake up tired, rush around getting breakfast, drive over to DD’s house, pick her up for school, we eat in the car, drop her off, head to work – 1.5 hours later – work for 7 hours, skip lunch, eat at my desk, rush out the door, drive for another 1.5 hours, rush in make dinner, drive dd to dance, or from dance to bring her dinner to dance, and then come home, do some housework, laundry, something, clean the kitchen, drive DD home from dance, then by that point, I am lucky if i wash my face. I am just so done.
Then, 2 or 3 hours later my eyes pop open & it’s toss & turn the rest of the night. 🔫
I have gained nearly ten lbs since I started at CTK, and I feel like shit. No motivation, no energy. I have grey hair and I found my first age spot. I have litterally aged ten years since moving back here. I miss my nails and my energy, and my enthusiasm for life. I’ll admit it too, I miss CG. I miss having someone to talk to all the time. I can go entire days with out saying a word, it’s actualy a little weird.