oh wait, it’s just a girl thing

I am not sure where the last post left off but this one begins on a Sunday morning, in my living room with coffee. Moments.

I had the strangest week, I tend to want to blame the universe, but no actually I was over tired for most of it and that led to me being careless and grouchy and not following simple routines that would be considered best practices in the life department. You know, working out, eating well, sleeping for 8 hours, not rushing.

I am actually taking on this week as a wellness exersise – NO RUSHING.

I will pay attention to time management, and get up ten minutes earlier if I have something going on.

Today I am heading to Vancouver with ds and his friend. I am so excited for several reasons.

I put my foot down with DS the other day, and I was so reminded of when he used to test his boundaries as a child. He used to push me, until I put my foot down and then he backed off and then settled in. That’s sort of what’s been going on. I am fair and kind in all things but I certainly do not have any tolerance for bullshit, disrespect or attitude that I find condescending. Those are hard limits for me. So that’s how it went. I talked to him, as any good authoritarian would and ended it. He went back to being him self and I have a new set of clearly defined boundaries up and available to visit as needed.

I was reminded that hormones are powerful mind fuckers, but thankfully they are at the very least predictable.

Time to pack, it’s been nice to sit and free write again.

Balance; or in my case, the lack there of.

I wonder sometimes, where did my resiliency come from? Why have I some how managed to make it so far, through so much to get me here, and now when I look up and around I am in this huge pit of darkness again. This isn’t the melodramatic fog I sometimes deal with, it’s this other thing. Something worse. My life is actually falling apart at the seams and I don’t really have anyone to turn to, to help and for the first time ever I feel completely in over my head.

I am doing all the things I am supposed to be doing, despite them being fucking hard. I don’t get thanked nor praise, I am cleaning up a literal mess and that’s just the way it is. I can’t walk away now, I am in this place and I’m alone.

I don’t know how to parent my kids surrounded by this much trauma, never have I ever felt things so out of contol. Ds has a serious eating disorder, he’s dealing  with repercussions from years of emotional abuse and I am the one he takes all his moods out on. He’s hurting and in trouble and ill prepared for life right now. I know I am always away working, but that becuase we live an hour and a half away from where I work. In the beginning he was so helpful, I felt like we were operating as a team – I’ve been kind and consistent  with him as I though that would be benificial for his mental health, now though i’ll admit I sort of feel like a maid. He just walked in here at eleven at night after being at the gym for hours and got mad at me becuase all day he only ate 4 chicken legs because I made potatoes instead of rice.

Ummm. Excuse me?! Nipping that in the but IMMEDIATELY.

I’m mentally exhausted. I have zero support here, I litterally wake up tired, rush around getting breakfast, drive over to DD’s house, pick her up for school, we eat in the car, drop her off, head to work – 1.5 hours later – work for 7 hours, skip lunch, eat at my desk, rush out the door, drive for another 1.5 hours, rush in make dinner, drive dd to dance, or from dance to bring her dinner to dance, and then come home, do some housework, laundry, something, clean the kitchen, drive DD home from dance,  then by that point, I am lucky if i wash my face. I am just so done.

Then, 2 or 3 hours later my eyes pop open & it’s toss & turn the rest of the night. 🔫

I have gained nearly ten lbs since I started at CTK, and I feel like shit. No motivation, no energy. I have grey hair and I found my first age spot. I have litterally aged ten years since moving back here. I miss  my nails and my energy, and my enthusiasm for life. I’ll admit it too, I miss CG. I miss having someone to talk to all the time. I can go entire days with out saying a word, it’s actualy a little weird.

How much is too much? 

This is a sad post for me to begin. It’s that cold whisper of reality that is staring at me. I think CG and I may have just completed our course. I know, I know that is the most consistent theme between us. You see I welcomed him back into my life, under the impression that he wanted to be part of my family, my new regime, the new way of things. I was more open now than I’ve been as he’s put up a good fight & I in return did miss his place in my world. It’s not perfect, I am sort of trying not to consider perfection any longer, it’s not good for me or any relationships I might eventually hold. I like the idea of having a team, in all things. I’m a team player, the lone wolf Existance has certainly lost its appeal. I want TEAM.

Since moving home, as CG puts it – “I have a LOT on”. It’s not just taxiing, and dinners’s and working.. it IS all of that. It’s also more. It’s repairing damaged children, it’s fighting with a narcissus HA ex husband, it’s dealing with two kids so truly struggling that they take up a LOT of energy and CG has just learned over the course of three days, that I am no longer fully available emotionally, exclusivly to him. I was never if I am honest, (that’s a totally other post or another day) but now, it’s slightly more obvious.

This weekend I dealt with:

Parent Teacher interviews, with the stressfull back story of emotionally abusive home life and manipulative father.

Next day, having said father keep DD home from school.

Same Day, Having EX text me harsh and inappropriate things and a threat.

Next Day, Having EX give DD a bag of weed.

Same Day, picking up said 15 year old DD – learning that she is comletely intoxicated, and was planning to stay (with out permission with a girlfriend in a home that had no parents. DH lied to me about this and said that the grandparents were home. I obviously said NO, not only am I picking up two drunk girls, I am certianly not leaving them un-supervised. DD threw up in CG’s vehical. Her friend cried for about 2.5 hours and disclosed some sensitive and repercusionable material. I ended up taking her home at 2:30am.

I honestly don’t know how I would cope with this raising of teenagers with out the years of training, or the tools I have to employ as a pastor, it’s beyond blessing. This is a tremendous task with an disadvnataged playing field.

This morning DD woke up as CG was leaving, said good by and then disclosed to me that she was going to be in SO MUCH TROUBLE from her dad becuase she was supposed to bring home the remainder of the weed from the bag that he gave her, and she lost it. This was the second time in 12 hours she told me that her dad was going to get mad at her. Last night she talked about, how lately, he’s been in a bad mood and no matter what she does she can’t do anything right. He’s always mad at her, which is why she has been staying home – to try and make him happy. Umm. NO.