Today there has been some good and there has of course been… some bad. At this point I am leaning towards “today will end up positively even though it started out rather abruptly”.
I have a new keyboard, this is actually so awesome… I think I can write again. This would be happening under the positive column. Since my last few weeks of technology troubles, writing has been a huge challenge. Today, as I get used to a new keyboard compliments of CG I am better able to utilize my ipad. It was under the realization that I simply couldn’t afford a new laptop at this time, so went this route & will relearn how to use the technology, and away we go.. moving forward again. 🙂
At home right now, my house is a litteral disaster. Insane idea that was actually likely a reaction to this morning when DH whom I am now going to start caling EX texted me to remind me .. Then let me know I would be welcome to split all expenses with him for DD who is still tragically living with him. I in my still morning half slumber, got mad about something else kind of unrealated becuase he backed out of paying for DD’s festival cost which are about $600. Since of course he didnt say anything at first.. they are now quite late and I simply don’t have the money. *U%#
Sidenote: I quite literally hate money, it seems like all my trouble s stem from that, or the lack there of, of adequate money to cover all my expenses. I am certainly learning quickly as I said in my last post what matters and what doesn’t.
Back to EX, so in my haste I suggested he bring me into the grow op business so I can have the luxury of being cash flow positive too.. then no problem, let’s split everything. Happy to. (obviously I was being satirical) I then went on to say, those of us that abide by the law unfortuantely don’t have it so easy. Therefor he’d have to wait.
It was a little bitchy I know, and although likely he got a bit of seeping resentment, their baby was born less than a week ago and my kids are over the moon, I’ll admit – I am jealous. Not jealous of having a baby, but that depite his asshole lifestyle he’s got the kids all happy to be there again. Nothing has changed, he is still operating on no schedule not supporting the kids emotionally or helping them to develop life skills – but he’s the super hero again.
I am very frustrated that this is my life somedays. I hate I’m sure like every divorced family sharing my kids. I would mind less if we were civil and could co-parent but he truly makes that impossible no matter how much time or kindess I extend, nothing.
One last little rant. He may have dd living there, this is true but there are a ton of negatives attached to this. He leaves her alone or with SM (Step Mom – whom is 22 and incompetent) a LOT. This is the main reason I moved back, they were under strict orders NOT to talk to me about how much he was away. When they finaly did, I moved home and took my current job. DS moved in with me, DD did not.
So not only is EX away, he allows a total chaos to reign in the house. No schedule, not academic support, no routines, no regular meals, not bedtimes, no rules. Well as fun as that might seem to a 15 year old the repercussions are challenging. She is failing three subjects in school, is sleep deprived and anaemic, and likely on the boarder of depression. She smokes pot alone, at night and is given said pot by her dad. WHAT THE FUCK.
She then comes to me agonizing over her academics and of course I have the means to help her – I do and always will but what would really help is that she comes back into my house. It’s not a fucking competition you immature, broken, pycho path man.
We have talked about it all, what she needs to succeed, what she needs as support, what that would look like to her.. yet at her house whenever nobody feels like driving her to school she doesn’t go, or if EX decides he’s like to hang out with her because his play thing the SM is notw busy with being pregnant or having a new baby, he asks DD to stay home from school to hang out with him.
AGAIN what the fuck.
I had parent teacher interviews yesterday, I told each teacher what her life really looked like and developed a suport team to help her out. After spending 4 hours doing that, setting her up with the support she needed, EX comes along on Friday morning and asked her to stay home.
Last night was friday, friday’s she is supposed to be with me. I have the kids on Fridays for friday night dinner – DD stayed at her dad’s house to help SM take care of the baby becuase EX was at his HA meeting in Naniamo and they told her that “she is sooo good with the baby, that she is the only one that can make him stop crying and that SM really needs her help”.
On every level this is insane.
Well.. as these things are out of my control.. I did something that I could control. I reorganized my house, particularily my living room and dining room. I have a wall of books and I organized them by topic yesterday, which was so soul soothing to me. Controllable achievements. I also brought my desk in there right beside the wall of books, put in a purple carpet and now I love it. In the other room I added my easel and all my painting supplies. It’s way more functional and given the insanity and frustration of the day, I slept well. Small things.