The restrictiveness I have felt lately being so scattered by technology is actually quite astounding. I am ashamed of how much this has thrown me for a loop. Lap top one, officially down. Work computer, brutal to type on, this laptop likes to kick me off line every three minutes or so. I do have a bit of a soft spot for this laptop though, as I think I did the first three years of this blog, 2008 – 2011 on it. It was different then, no social media to distract my every creative whim. I was writing a lot more then, daily, constantly. That’s not really something I do anymore. I am not even sure, beyond the laziness or flat out distracted behavior, that’s all I can see that is preventing.
Interesting observation, my brain is changing too, I am ADD I am almost sure. It’s so impossible to sit still these days. I am addicted to distraction and I have all these guilty should(s) running around in my head. I should start walking again, I should go to bed earlier, I should try and write everyday, I should get my housework finished, I should be reading… but nope. I am scrolling along through Facebook, numbing my over stimulated brain. I just about typed a hashtag (#shameful) Is that really what my intellect has been reduced too? A digitized vernacular?
I am listening to Chopin’s Noctures N0. 13 in E, Op. 62, No. 2 It’s relaxing me. With that relaxation I am recognizing I am actually pretty exhausted. It’s pretty much my natural state these days. I would say for the last year, I’ve been in a continual funk, emotionally; but the physical stuff, that has been going on a lot longer. It’s nothing too crazy, low iron.. I can control it normally.
My life, it’s different than it’s been in a really, really long time and the funny thing, it’s exactly as it was five years ago – sort of. I’ve grown tremendously, personally. It’s great to be back here with this new and evolving mindset, but i am back here.. and that the same. I am not complaining so we are clear, it’s just taking some getting used to the little things again – my days are very, very busy.
I moved back home nearly two months ago now, I am working once again at CTK and have my old position with some additional responsibilities. I am technically the Director of Formation for Children, Youth and Young Adults. No pressure or anything.
There are certainly pros and cons as with any change.
PRO: My maslow is settled, I have a steady paycheck coming in. It’s a beautiful thing really. No more fear of not getting paid or any reliance on CG to keep up his end of our partnership. It’s on me.
CON: I am making less money than I am accustomed to and am finding it VERY difficult to budget everything successfully. I miss the perks. I miss my nails. I miss shopping. I miss having savings.
PRO: Life just got very simple. I have learned quickly what I need vs. what I simply want. I was able to pay for (now) both my kids to get their braces on. I was also able to pay for DD’s performing arts costs. This is coming at a sacrifice, however in the bigger picture, this is very good for her. I have DS with me full time again.
CON: I now have a list of immediate needs, none of which are wants, all of which are needs and none of which can be handled flippantly, I must now save and pick them off one item at a time.
PRO: I am becoming a really good cook again, pinterest is my best friend these days.
CON: I have now used up everything in my freezer, I am not sure that has ever happened to me since I’ve owned it. The surplus of food I have always taken for granted is actually a little bit shameful.
PRO: I am spending a lot of quality time with my two kids. Not really doing anything in particular beyond listening to them explain what life looks like from their end. It’s quite lovely.
CON: I am back to my 3 hour a day commute.
PRO: I am back to talking to my Mom daily, something I’ve really missed.
I have to go and pick up DD from Dance. I feel much more relaxed, hmm maybe I (should) make more time for this free writing.