The post divorce frustration, the day that never ends. 

Today there has been some good and there has of course been… some bad. At this point I am leaning towards “today will end up positively even though it started out rather abruptly”.

I have a new keyboard, this is actually so awesome… I think I can write again. This would be happening under the positive column. Since my last few weeks of technology troubles, writing has been a huge challenge. Today, as I get used to a new keyboard compliments of CG I am better able to utilize my ipad. It was under the realization that I simply couldn’t afford a new laptop at this time, so  went this route & will relearn how to use the technology, and away we go.. moving forward again. đŸ™‚ 

At home right now, my house is a litteral disaster. Insane idea that was actually likely a reaction to this morning when DH whom I am now going to start caling EX texted me to remind me .. Then let me know I would be welcome to split all expenses with him for DD who is still tragically living with him. I in my still morning half slumber, got mad about something else kind of unrealated becuase he backed out of paying for DD’s festival cost which are about $600. Since of course he didnt say anything at first.. they are now quite late and I simply don’t have the money. *U%#

Sidenote: I quite literally hate money, it seems like all my trouble s stem from that, or the lack there of, of adequate money to cover all my expenses. I am certainly learning quickly as I said in my last post what matters and what doesn’t. 

Back to EX, so in my haste I suggested he bring me into the grow op business so I can have the luxury of being cash flow positive too.. then no problem, let’s split everything. Happy to. (obviously I was being satirical) I then went on to say, those of us that abide by the law unfortuantely don’t have it so easy. Therefor he’d have to wait. 

It was a little bitchy I know, and although likely he got a bit of seeping resentment, their baby was born less than a week ago and my kids are over the moon, I’ll admit – I am jealous. Not jealous of having a baby, but that depite his asshole lifestyle he’s got the kids all happy to be there again. Nothing has changed, he is still operating on no schedule not supporting the kids emotionally or helping them to develop life skills – but he’s the super hero again. 

I am very frustrated that this is my life somedays. I hate I’m sure like every divorced family sharing my kids. I would mind less if we were civil and could co-parent but he truly makes that impossible no matter how much time or kindess I extend, nothing. 

One last little rant. He may have dd living there, this is true but there are a ton of negatives attached to this. He leaves her alone or with SM (Step Mom – whom is 22 and incompetent) a LOT. This is the main reason I moved back, they were under strict orders NOT to talk to me about how much he was away. When they finaly did, I moved home and took my current job. DS moved in with me, DD did not. 

So not only is EX away, he allows a total chaos to reign in the house. No schedule, not academic support, no routines, no regular meals, not bedtimes, no rules. Well as fun as that might seem to a 15 year old the repercussions are challenging. She is failing three subjects in school, is sleep deprived and anaemic, and likely on the boarder of depression. She smokes pot alone, at night and is given said pot by her dad. WHAT THE FUCK. 

She then comes to me agonizing over her academics and of course I have the means to help her – I do and always will but what would really help is that she comes back into my house. It’s not a fucking competition you immature, broken, pycho path man. 

We have talked about it all, what she needs to succeed, what she needs as support, what that would look like to her.. yet at her house whenever nobody feels like driving her to school she doesn’t go, or if EX decides he’s like to hang out with her because his play thing the SM is notw busy with being pregnant or having a new baby, he asks DD to stay home from school to hang out with him. 

AGAIN what the fuck. 

I had parent teacher interviews yesterday, I told each teacher what her life really looked like and developed a suport team to help her out. After spending 4 hours doing that, setting her up with the support she needed, EX comes along on Friday morning and asked her to stay home. 

Last night was friday, friday’s she is supposed to be with me. I have the kids on Fridays for friday night dinner – DD stayed at her dad’s house to help SM take care of the baby becuase EX was at his HA meeting in Naniamo and they told her that “she is sooo good with the baby, that she is the only one that can make him stop crying and that SM really needs her help”. 

On every level this is insane. 

Well.. as these things are out of my control.. I did something that I could control. I reorganized my house, particularily my living room and dining room. I have a wall of books and I organized them by topic yesterday, which was so soul soothing to me. Controllable achievements. I also brought my desk in there right beside the wall of books, put in a purple carpet and now I love it. In the other room I added my easel and all my painting supplies. It’s way more functional and given the insanity and frustration of the day, I slept well. Small things. 

with Pro’s and Con’s of course

The restrictiveness I have felt lately being so scattered by technology is actually quite astounding. I am ashamed of how much this has thrown me for a loop. Lap top one, officially down. Work computer, brutal to type on, this laptop likes to kick me off line every three minutes or so. I do have a bit of a soft spot for this laptop though, as I think I did the first three years of this blog, 2008 – 2011 on it. It was different then, no social media to distract my every creative whim. I was writing a lot more then, daily, constantly. That’s not really something I do anymore. I am not even sure, beyond the laziness or flat out distracted behavior, that’s all I can see that is preventing.

Interesting observation, my brain is changing too, I am ADD I am almost sure. It’s so impossible to sit still these days. I am addicted to distraction and I have all these guilty should(s) running around in my head. I should start walking again, I should go to bed earlier, I should try and write everyday, I should get my housework finished, I should be reading… but nope. I am scrolling along through Facebook, numbing my over stimulated brain. I just about typed a hashtag (#shameful) Is that really what my intellect has been reduced too? A digitized vernacular?

I am listening to Chopin’s Noctures N0. 13 in E, Op. 62, No. 2 It’s relaxing me. With that relaxation I am recognizing I am actually pretty exhausted. It’s pretty much my natural state these days. I would say for the last year, I’ve been in a continual funk, emotionally; but the physical stuff, that has been going on a lot longer. It’s nothing too crazy, low iron.. I can control it normally.

My life, it’s different than it’s been in a really, really long time and the funny thing, it’s exactly as it was five years ago – sort of. I’ve grown tremendously, personally. It’s great to be back here with this new and evolving mindset, but i am back here.. and that the same. I am not complaining so we are clear, it’s just taking some getting used to the little things again – my days are very, very busy.

I moved back home nearly two months ago now, I am working once again at CTK and have my old position with some additional responsibilities. I am technically the Director of Formation for Children, Youth and Young Adults. No pressure or anything.

There are certainly pros and cons as with any change.

PRO: My maslow is settled, I have a steady paycheck coming in. It’s a beautiful thing really. No more fear of not getting paid or any reliance on CG to keep up his end of our partnership. It’s on me.

CON: I am making less money than I am accustomed to and am finding it VERY difficult to budget everything successfully. I miss the perks. I miss my nails. I miss shopping. I miss having savings.

PRO: Life just got very simple. I have learned quickly what I need vs. what I simply want. I was able to pay for (now) both my kids to get their braces on. I was also able to pay for DD’s performing arts costs. This is coming at a sacrifice, however in the bigger picture, this is very good for her. I have DS with me full time again.

CON: I now have a list of immediate needs, none of which are wants, all of which are needs and none of which can be handled flippantly, I must now save and pick them off one item at a time.

PRO: I am becoming a really good cook again, pinterest is my best friend these days.

CON: I have now used up everything in my freezer, I am not sure that has ever happened to me since I’ve owned it. The surplus of food I have always taken for granted is actually a little bit shameful.

PRO: I am spending a lot of quality time with my two kids. Not really doing anything in particular beyond listening to them explain what life looks like from their end. It’s quite lovely.

CON: I am back to my 3 hour a day commute.

PRO: I am back to talking to my Mom daily, something I’ve really missed.

I have to go and pick up DD from Dance. I feel much more relaxed, hmm maybe I (should) make more time for this free writing.

smiles.

d

Dark night of the soul, Repeat.

It seems like lately, all I want to write about is bullshit. The bullshit that is swirling around in me, my need for help and approval. That I am looking to be saved and it’s weird because since when did I become a victim?

Here is my heart and soul, grind it into hamburger.

I am struggling to do almost everything these days. I feel weak. I am sad. I have been using the word should again and I feel so very lost. I show my vulnerability and then want to run away. I am utterly lost.