A year in review: Release the Struggle.
This year, it is not enough to simply have an intellectual understanding of Free Will. You will learn that your feelings are your only means of activating personal freedom. This year of endings and conclusions offers you the chance to free yourself of the erroneous beliefs that have always caused unhappiness, dissatisfaction, and stagnation. The 9 year cycle teaches you how to break free from the past by releasing your grip on it. Without this understanding, you will forever be a victim of something that once happened to you. It is time to heal.
Tomorrow is a new moon. I am planning on taking a little journey in the morning which will bring me to a sacred space. I will be traveling by car, boat and then by foot. During the day tomorrow I intend to set my intention for the remaining 3 months of my nine year, as I take the gruelling voyage up through the gnarled trees, mud, roots and cliffs – I can transcend the darkness and suppression I have been fighting against.
It is only I – that will dictate my life, and it’s only from within that courage will carry me – to once again begin moving forward. The only way real change will take place: once I let go of my grip on this life and to the universe, I open my life. It is time to honestly answered my inner yearning.
What do I want this life to look like?
I recently got a tattoo – it was a combination of script and a compass.
Minimally this is representative of my past: Invictus by WILLIAM ERNEST HENLEY
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.
Past & Future
It was painful, yes. However in the most intimate way – it’s the link between my past and future. You see, for the last two years I have been on the road to recovery and growth – catch up if you will. I have been in a relationship that for all intents and purposes – didn’t make a lot of sense to me. It’s was filled with blood, sweat and tears. Joy too at times but with attached complication and limited commitment. It was a gift. I can see it’s worth if I honestly look back.
This relationship has also been infused with an opportunity to shed many of my hidden layers. Those parts of self that I despised and ignored.
I had an opportunity to make peace with several of my broken parts. In return I helped my traveling companion with his.
As has always been the case the universe has been with me, supplying the cues for learning, knowing and time. I felt two days ago and loop of life close. I was playing my part in another persons story and two days ago I felt the truth of the matter – it was over. That is not to say, we are over – I am staying current & present with that but that fraction of our story was over – the persons inside the loop are no longer.
It’s odd, laying there looking skyward. That knowing. I can’t explain it.
9 Years ago – my life sharply took a turn – I moved away from my family and friends and followed a hopeful intention. My husband and the possibility of a new life. It was a 9 year for me. I was so young.
August 2006 – 9th Year: I moved to Port Alberni to start a New Life.
August 2007 – 1st Year: Healing from the most recent affair – came back to church.
August 2008 – 2nd Year: Got remarried – fully initiated into the church. Started Pastoral Work. – Kids when to Catholic School – Personally a happy year.
August 2009 – 3rd Year: Physically my best year – I was running full time.
August 2010 – 4th Year: Sadly, under duress – we separated.
August 2011 – 5th Year: Moved to Comox – Went to Spain w/ Ds. Ds also broke his arm horribly and let to a very unexpected path for him.
August 2012 – 6th Year: Both kids moved out – and I ever the fighter – created a reason to move forward. Possibly my saving grace. Did a personal challenge year – no soul mate but def. rekindled my friendship with my best friend S. She is sort of like a soul mate. Mother/Daughter Trek across the country.
August 2013 – 7th Year: Met CG. Learned a LOT about life, about my self and really truly grew up. Started DREAMING again. Life is beautiful, Love Being here.
August 2014 – 8th Year: Started m!Media – Travelled well. Recognized where I DON’T want to be.
August 2015 – Closing the 9th Year: Dh is having a baby with someone else – I am totally done ministry, I have narrowed my scope with m!Media – am faced with several possibilities and none at the same time – an intricate position. I am at peace with who I am – I am also ready to come home, I miss my people.
Relax into the world.
My greatest struggle this year has been loneliness, it’s been a dark tough year, stripped away from all the luxuries and rather – replaced with a leaning towards simplicity. It’s much easier when I stop struggling against what is for what was.
I think I will close this post with a quote from a book I recently finished. It sums up nicely where I am.
“There is no need to search; achievement leads to nowhere. It makes no difference at all, so just be happy now! Love is the only reality of the world, because it is all One, you see. And the only laws are paradox, humor and change. There is no problem, never was, and never will be. Release your struggle, let go of your mind, throw away your concerns, and relax into the world. No need to resist life, just do your best. Open your eyes and see that you are far more than you imagine. You are the world, you are the universe; you are yourself and everyone else, too! It’s all the marvelous Play of God. Wake up, regain your humor. Don’t worry, just be happy. You are already free!”