..dark night..

Conversation between a friend and I: Remember how you said you felt like you didn’t like yourself as much, that your partner brought out something in you that wasn’t a comfortable feeling?

This is how tonight actually went down, I’ve been putting on a brave face, not just today but pretty consistently through the last year and a half as the evolutionary process was developing – all the while trusting the process – knowing something good was coming if I could just weather the storms and wait out the difficult times.

Yet, I said to myself I would never ever let someone treat me disrespectfully ever again, I wouldn’t stand by and take it, I would walk away immediately.

Yet here I am. I feel horribly rejected on the inside, as if my feelings don’t count. I have expressed this feeling through out and yet, the very worst feeling, that freeze out. I am completely put down and then ignored.

I have had to undertake belittling comments against my character, that I am immature, pathetic, tonights new one, “lower than Paula”, that I will never be successful, that I crazy make and cause drama, each time something arises., the worst thing I think is that it’s my fault and I am blaming my showdowy stuff with my ex on on my current partner.

I don’t agree with that level of disrespect nor generalization. I also don’t agree with tossing the blame when honestly, blame is so counter productive this actually has nothing to do with my ex and everything to do with my current partner changing plans at the last second and not being a great communicator about that change.. I don’t need much but simple curtsies would do wonders.

Tonight, was weird; An example.

My partner invited me while we were hiking last weekend to come for a glass of wine with he & his banker (they are friends) – it was planned and all good. Earlier today He changed the time to a half hour earlier. Considering that, I hurried home and was changing my shoes when he said actually that I wasn’t invited and he had to go and couldn’t wait for me to walk in heals and make him late. Out the door he went – dressed beautifully quick as a flash.

Okay. I understood. I was irked a little because I rushed home from work for nothing but was glad to have a few free minutes to unwind.

My partner told me before he left that he was just going to discuss his account so it wouldn’t be fun and that he’d be done quickly so we could meet for a quick bite at 5:30 – I thought, cool the wine thing didn’t start until 7 or something maybe he, his friend whom I was meeting later on and I could grab a quick bite. No big deal.

I waited for my partner at that club for about 15 mins, where his banker had met him & texted to let him know I was ready, but he didn’t answer – which actually was unusual. He never puts his phone down.

After a bit I left as it was raining & couldn’t reach him. I came home to change and meet up with our mutual friend.

A while later, completely ignoring what just happened he texted me that he and “Deb’s” were drinking Champagne and gin and it was so awesome and that she, the banker lady wanted to take me there (where they were having drinks) because they had the most to-die-for popcorn..

Fine. He’s entitled to nights out. I thought it was a little rude that he completely stood me up though with out even acknowledging it.

I moved through that pretty quickly though as I has plans myself that evening. I wasn’t really thinking about it, any of it as I was being present with my friend and I know CG, he get’s excited sometimes and whatever – I thought to myself that we could maybe talk about that later as I know there is a better way that might not leave me floundering trying to anticipate what the next move is.

Fast forward to the homecoming.

He’s about an hour later than he said, and comes in and looks exhausted. Poor guy.
So of course I asked what’s up? He said it was a painful night blah, blah, blah. I saw he was pretty out of it, which I thought was a bit funny/cute. It’s extremely hard for me to be mad at him when really I just was missing him. It’s been a weird & disconnected couple of days. I cracked a joke about his standing me up and his night out and then like Dr Hide, that’s when it got ugly.

Like for no reason I can see – he got extremely mad and belligerent.

This is the pivotal point and honestly I am sitting here asking how much heart break can one person take. This man has smashed mine more times than I care to remember.

Tonight after the yelling and name calling, it escalated to him kicking a pillow off the footstool in front of me. I shut up, I stopped communicating back and to be honest – that was the first time I did think of my ex. CG scared me, I didn’t even know what to do that was so out of character – so I panicked and told him to leave. I don’t even know why I said that as this is his house. I was just scared I think, I have had him swear at me before but he’s not usually that aggressive. He gave me the dirtiest look, told me now that I had my contract I could fuck off and find somewhere else to live. He was done with my drama.

*MY* drama. I am not going to go into what our relationship has looked like over the last year and a half. I just don’t even have the strength. I feel stupid and foolish for loving him so blindly all this time.

After thanking his buddy for being such a great wing man, I guess previously: Adding insult to injury, He took a shower and then went to sleep in the spare room.

Here I am.

I don’t want a life like this. Where the person who tells me every day that he loves me, how he wants to marry me, how I am the one… yet in the same breathe, can be so rude and harsh and mean.

I am hurt and confused and so truly disappointed. I don’t feel like myself. In these moments I feel like a shell. I feel weak and vulnerable and not good enough.

Is he worth waiting for, through even this – this evolution, I’ve been so patient – I see it but maybe that’s just the thing, he will evolve and now that he has, I am not the one for him.

I hate this feeling more than anything – I feel awful and there is nothing I can do but sit here and feel it. I can’t leave. I can’t talk to him. I have alienated my best friend because CG was so worried about the friendship. I feel alone. I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this.

I want to know if he actually loves me? I can fight hard for something if there is something to fight for.. but this place, this place I am in right now.. it’s really hard to know anything accept – this man just simply isn’t the one for me, he’s behaviour on paper tells me he’s perfect but in reality, I want love, respect, connection and truth. I don’t feel heard at all.

Why is it that the ones I love, that I so wish would love me unconditionally without reservation are the ones that push me away.

I want nothing more despite all this nasty hurtful business tonight for CG to come in here and show me he loves me.

Dark night.

..double standard..

You know what pisses me off. Double standards.

CG is such a fucking liar. He is so sweet to my face but he NEVER keeps is damn word. AND the thing that pisses me off most, he blames it on other shit. All the fucking time.

He is such a liar. I am so fucking sick of it.

This is just one thing, but there are many, many more like it.

This time.

1. CG omitted to tell me he was going out for drinks with a lady he calls his “banker” but he tells me every fucking other thing that goes on in his life.

2. Then after it came up – via me because I don’t like bullshit and I knew anyway – he invited me. Yeah, thanks Sparkie.

3. Today he changed the plans, and left even earlier – I quickly came home from work to make it on time and was ready to go until he basically uninvited me, stating that he was just going to be “talking banking” so we could meet in an hour and catch dinner before his next social event.

4. I came to meet him and not only did he not show up he didn’t even answer his phone for 15 mins. He ALWAYS answers his phone for EVERYONE else. His best friend, his clients, his son. So I stood there like an idiot and then said fuck it and walked home.

5. Finally when he did text me, he says and I quote “We are eating truffle popcorn and drinking French 75 champagne with gin… Debs is keen to take you here due to your profound love of popcorn. It’s off the charts.

He blows such smoke  up everyone’s, telling people what they want to hear — this means nothing to me. Love how “banker” just became Debs. When he left he was was dressed exceedingly well.. I certainly haven’t seen that in a while – fuck I haven’t even had a proper orgasm in a while. Thankfully I can handle that shit on my own. I doubt we would ever have sex if I didn’t initiate it.

You know, the list is pilling up. I am sick to death of being second with him, I am always the one waiting for him to deal with his shit, to figure out he wants to be here. I have been waiting this whole fucking time.

AND to top all of this off – I wouldn’t even give a shit about half of this stuff if he hadn’t been on the verge of breaking up with me after I started spending time with my friends – doing other things that I enjoyed. I have basically cut one of my closest friends out of my life to satisfy him – to ease his fears to help him not feel jealous. Now how is this fair?? I done want to be here right now .

..why must people SUCK..

I am feeling extremely cynical today. I look around and all I see are lying, cheating, using, misrepresenting, omitting, manipulating, bullshit creating people. How the fuck did I end up here? 

First: My Ex. What a jerk. He continually wields words of absolute cruelty towards me. He has made it nearly impossible to achieve normalcy for my kids and I – I would have been so absolutely willing to work together for the good of those two – yet at every turn I am sabotaged. My only constellation – I am actually at a place where I will speak my mind freely – I call his shit as I see it. 

Second: CG. Well – This one is my own damn fault. I trusted him despite everything I know to be good and true, constantly being trudged through the mud. He lies to me via omission. We’ve had a pretty tumultuous year and a half – yet funnily we get along great 90% of the time. It’s just that he has a trim of woman that seem to be part of our relationship. AND despite my sensitivity – he STILL feels the need to lie and hide even the most benign things. If you are going to hide the little things, when you are blazingly inclusive about EVERY OTHER thing – it makes you look guilty. I already have an extremely hard time trusting you… why hide if you have nothing to hide – it makes you look guilty. Fucker. 

Third: Friends that lie to your face when it suits their best interest. WELL this is a general FUCK YOU. I’m done with you too. 

Okay back to work, I am sure I’ll have something sunshiny to say later but for now – two the three idiots that this post is intended toward – fuck you.