..bye, bye..

winter_solstice_2013

I love this picture, it reminds me of me.

I want to make an effort to post every single day this year. So many crazy thing always happen to me that really that shit should be documented.

Gah. I am sitting on the couch as CG is lighting candles and I am pretty sure he just opened a bottle of wine. This morning I went ice hiking (formally known as snow shoeing – but since there is virtually NO snow up here – this year it was more like hiking over ice). It was cold, although mild and really foggy.  I went with a gf, L. I love that girl. She is sort of like a younger, less rebellious version of me. But NOW me.. not twenty year old me. I like her. We always have the best conversations. Currently she is living in London, dating a lovely scot & is very happy with her world. Very cool. I love weird people.

I have such a disheartened feeling in my chest, it has recently come over me and I am having a very heard time shaking it off. I am sitting in this room with a man that adores me and right now and pretty consistently, my mind is elsewhere. Why, why, why?

As much as I have been doing well, comprehending my life  position – something rocked my world the other day and since then I’ve been struggling again. I’ll give a quick version because I really didn’t want to write about this today.

Okay just take a moment and listen.

So picture this, I am sitting next to CG in his jeep on our way up the mountain – we had a day of ice climbing and a huge hike planned – we were on our way to summit, again. I love that we do this. We are uber active and it’s awesome. He’s a great activity partner.

So I am in a good place, emotionally. It looked like things with CG’s texting other girls was over, he was done dating anyone else. We agreed to be exclusive now, no more ANYONE else. 

8 days ago I wrote this tweet:

I posted a picture that read, “It’s hard to pretend you love someone when you don’t, but its harder to pretend you don’t love someone when you really do.” followed by My life in a nutshel. Come on heart. #justbreathe

That was 8 days ago, I was silently pleading with the universe, to take this away. I am in love with someone that doesn’t love me in return – well I think he does but he’s also so unreachable – he has too many other people in his life, and it’s the hardest for me to feel like its not JUST me. 

I am sure the universe was laughing.

So fast forward to my trip up the hill.. this song comes on the radio – satellite radio.

And I will swallow my pride.
You’re the one that I love
And I’m saying goodbye.

After this line, I said to myself. “I’m good, I feel good about all of this, I feel nothing – I think it’s over. I’m going to be okay, we’re going to be okay, CG & I.”

That was true… then my phone rang. What are the fucking chances. During a song called, Say Something, I’m giving up on you. OUT OF THE BLUE, I hate it when the universe toys with me. 

It was RG. What the FUCK?!?! I am completely in a good space, we worked out our shit, the fiasco from the month before – I am happy with my CG choice, clearly the universe chose HIM for ME.. and then a random song comes on referring to grand gestures and it was RG. 

I couldn’t even believe it, my hands shook and I just stared at my phone for a few seconds until it stopped ringing. It was silent and the next second seemed to pass like an hour.

Say something, I’m giving up on you.
And I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you.
And anywhere, I would have followed you.
Oh-oh-oh-oh say something, I’m giving up on you.

Say something, I’m giving up on you.
Say something…

I texted him and asked if he was listening to the Pulse, as he has satellite radio in his car as well.

He replayed something weird.. “Is that CBC?”

Prior to this day we’ve texted a bit but not anything unusual. He hasn’t called since I left him at the airport, a month ago.

Since that crazy sign song day, many small things have happened. We talked, we texted, he left on a journey to Bali, with a new person in his world. He took a book I gave him, a backpack and no plans. This is HUGE. I am so impressed. So proud.

He said something before I left and I think above everything else this is what is messing with my head. “I feel like I have turned a corner and have come to terms with my scars.” “Miss you, Nerd” What ARE you trying to say Universe? I chose friends, I love CG, I am IN. Do you think CG is going to hurt me? Is something coming that I will need a friend for to endure? Is CG not really truthful? Will there be another woman again..? I wish I knew. 

navigate-your-storm-900w

Well no point to go on.. I asked for a sign. It’s always like this isn’t it? I know things. I sense them before they happen. 

I really want CG to be in – totally and completely I want that for me too. 

Maybe that song brought me back to the ready, so I would be ready to receive a sign.

I am going to give this a shot by being really present. CG LOVES ME, in his own broken way. 

I hope he doesn’t hurt me further. 

I can’t. I will think positively. 

(and try not to dwell on the fact that despite my grand gestures, he leaves me mid afternoon to go on a date with someone else, despite us having broken up after my honest reaction and confusion – I did what I thought was the right thing… within 24 hours he is sending me pictures of woman he intends to date.. pretty fucked up I know.. I may have made the mistake of sleeping with RG in Nov. but it was after a month of bullshit that CG threw my way and to this day I hate that I made such a decision based on the bullshit that was swirling around me. Never again will I compromise my OWN integrity.)

Align all that with the beginning bullshit and lies.. maybe thats the point the universe is trying to tell me – CG won’t change. Don’t cut friends out of the equation as I may need their support. I really don’t know, only time will tell. 

Be kind to me universe, please. 

I will stop here, I am starting to get tired. Tomorrow morning CG and I are going to do a quick summit – 2000 calories later power work out. UGH. LOL Then he has orchestrated a surprise for me tomorrow on the west coast. I’ll write more from there. We’ll see. 

Sweet Dreams ~

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