..the first and last day of my daily posting..

Day two. LOL we’ll see how this post a day actually goes.

Today began in a meh sort of fashion, it was normal but I found myself kind of grumpy. (my reason) A text CG received. (This is one thing I really don’t like about him – he’s got this weird sort of influence over woman and there just always seems to be someone else working for his attention). It drives me nuts, yet he is so open and accountable now – even truly un-encouraging to these people. This leaves me frustrated because I can’t really be mad at him, but I am mad at the situation and since he’s near me I end up being mad at him.

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Anyways, after coffee we suited up and went to work out – via a mountain on snowshoes. I was not feeling it, it was hard, I was cold and since I was grumpy all my good energy was blocked and working against me. I literally stopped 20 feet from the top and just stood there glaring at the summit. CG gave me a push, right to my ego and as he knew it would it made me say FUCK YOU and I summited. He’s good for me that way, pushing my personal limits. Knowing full well I am capable to be greater than I usually think on my own. When I got to the top he stood right in front of me put his hands on my shoulders and gave me a coach pep talk about how great I am and how he will always push my ass when ever I try and short change myself, it was about a 30 second speech but fuck, lol that man he cuts through my doubting bullshit so suavely. In the end, I turned around and enjoyed the trek down so much more, the beautiful vista, the way the clouds part, the glittery snow falling, the sunshine, the air, the exercise, the majestic beauty. I am glad I went, I am glad I didn’t quit.

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That’s me, touching the pole at the top.

I ended up having a rather remarkable day, I was thinking back to one year ago – where I was. Interestingly I was on the same mountain but this time with my gf and another friend of her’s and we were snowshoeing as well – although that time there was an abundance of snow. It was essentially that day, one year ago the idea for the 12×12 percolated. Incredible how far I have come in 12 months. 364 days. It’s been completely transformative.

I drove to the west coast, listening to some older music on my Life Soundtrack playlist. Something very cool the other day, I put this in order according to download date, so the 1000 songs on there are now in the order I downloaded them, which correspond to my state of life for each song, what a trip down memory lane.

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When we reached the coast immediately we met with other couple for drinks. The are the owners of a B&B on the beach and are originally from the bay area in the states. They had a remarkable exit about 10 or 12 years ago and relocated up here to start this little adventure. We met purely by kismet and ended up having 2 bottles of wine and talking for hours. The needed some digital help, and I needed some collaboration for my new projects. The conversation was interesting and they are fabulous, we are going to see them again tonight and I’m actually excited to see what the future  holds. Thank you UNIVERSE!

Following that, we made our way to the other side of the peninsula and checked into our B&B and then went for dinner, it was nothing short of food porn. Beyond good. There was more wine, more great conversation and we capped the night with a hot tub in the pouring rain over looking the ocean. It smelled heavenly, I so love being next to the ocean you have no idea what it does to my soul. Sooooothing.

If you made it through that, I applaud you. I was rambling I know.

See you tomorrow Readers~

Ps. RG and I chatted. All good, my frustration lasted about two seconds. I’m too peaceful with my own life to be irritated with him, maybe one day I’ll bring it up but not now, It’s not our time. I love him, really truly but I’ll be very happy if we can find our way as kindreds – he’s like I’ve said so many times before – supposed to be in my life but not necessarily as my partner. RG gave me an update on Bali, sent his love and NY greetings, I said the same. I feel very clean about it all. I am very, very ready to go into 2014.

..bye, bye..

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I love this picture, it reminds me of me.

I want to make an effort to post every single day this year. So many crazy thing always happen to me that really that shit should be documented.

Gah. I am sitting on the couch as CG is lighting candles and I am pretty sure he just opened a bottle of wine. This morning I went ice hiking (formally known as snow shoeing – but since there is virtually NO snow up here – this year it was more like hiking over ice). It was cold, although mild and really foggy.  I went with a gf, L. I love that girl. She is sort of like a younger, less rebellious version of me. But NOW me.. not twenty year old me. I like her. We always have the best conversations. Currently she is living in London, dating a lovely scot & is very happy with her world. Very cool. I love weird people.

I have such a disheartened feeling in my chest, it has recently come over me and I am having a very heard time shaking it off. I am sitting in this room with a man that adores me and right now and pretty consistently, my mind is elsewhere. Why, why, why?

As much as I have been doing well, comprehending my life  position – something rocked my world the other day and since then I’ve been struggling again. I’ll give a quick version because I really didn’t want to write about this today.

Okay just take a moment and listen.

So picture this, I am sitting next to CG in his jeep on our way up the mountain – we had a day of ice climbing and a huge hike planned – we were on our way to summit, again. I love that we do this. We are uber active and it’s awesome. He’s a great activity partner.

So I am in a good place, emotionally. It looked like things with CG’s texting other girls was over, he was done dating anyone else. We agreed to be exclusive now, no more ANYONE else. 

8 days ago I wrote this tweet:

I posted a picture that read, “It’s hard to pretend you love someone when you don’t, but its harder to pretend you don’t love someone when you really do.” followed by My life in a nutshel. Come on heart. #justbreathe

That was 8 days ago, I was silently pleading with the universe, to take this away. I am in love with someone that doesn’t love me in return – well I think he does but he’s also so unreachable – he has too many other people in his life, and it’s the hardest for me to feel like its not JUST me. 

I am sure the universe was laughing.

So fast forward to my trip up the hill.. this song comes on the radio – satellite radio.

And I will swallow my pride.
You’re the one that I love
And I’m saying goodbye.

After this line, I said to myself. “I’m good, I feel good about all of this, I feel nothing – I think it’s over. I’m going to be okay, we’re going to be okay, CG & I.”

That was true… then my phone rang. What are the fucking chances. During a song called, Say Something, I’m giving up on you. OUT OF THE BLUE, I hate it when the universe toys with me. 

It was RG. What the FUCK?!?! I am completely in a good space, we worked out our shit, the fiasco from the month before – I am happy with my CG choice, clearly the universe chose HIM for ME.. and then a random song comes on referring to grand gestures and it was RG. 

I couldn’t even believe it, my hands shook and I just stared at my phone for a few seconds until it stopped ringing. It was silent and the next second seemed to pass like an hour.

Say something, I’m giving up on you.
And I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you.
And anywhere, I would have followed you.
Oh-oh-oh-oh say something, I’m giving up on you.

Say something, I’m giving up on you.
Say something…

I texted him and asked if he was listening to the Pulse, as he has satellite radio in his car as well.

He replayed something weird.. “Is that CBC?”

Prior to this day we’ve texted a bit but not anything unusual. He hasn’t called since I left him at the airport, a month ago.

Since that crazy sign song day, many small things have happened. We talked, we texted, he left on a journey to Bali, with a new person in his world. He took a book I gave him, a backpack and no plans. This is HUGE. I am so impressed. So proud.

He said something before I left and I think above everything else this is what is messing with my head. “I feel like I have turned a corner and have come to terms with my scars.” “Miss you, Nerd” What ARE you trying to say Universe? I chose friends, I love CG, I am IN. Do you think CG is going to hurt me? Is something coming that I will need a friend for to endure? Is CG not really truthful? Will there be another woman again..? I wish I knew. 

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Well no point to go on.. I asked for a sign. It’s always like this isn’t it? I know things. I sense them before they happen. 

I really want CG to be in – totally and completely I want that for me too. 

Maybe that song brought me back to the ready, so I would be ready to receive a sign.

I am going to give this a shot by being really present. CG LOVES ME, in his own broken way. 

I hope he doesn’t hurt me further. 

I can’t. I will think positively. 

(and try not to dwell on the fact that despite my grand gestures, he leaves me mid afternoon to go on a date with someone else, despite us having broken up after my honest reaction and confusion – I did what I thought was the right thing… within 24 hours he is sending me pictures of woman he intends to date.. pretty fucked up I know.. I may have made the mistake of sleeping with RG in Nov. but it was after a month of bullshit that CG threw my way and to this day I hate that I made such a decision based on the bullshit that was swirling around me. Never again will I compromise my OWN integrity.)

Align all that with the beginning bullshit and lies.. maybe thats the point the universe is trying to tell me – CG won’t change. Don’t cut friends out of the equation as I may need their support. I really don’t know, only time will tell. 

Be kind to me universe, please. 

I will stop here, I am starting to get tired. Tomorrow morning CG and I are going to do a quick summit – 2000 calories later power work out. UGH. LOL Then he has orchestrated a surprise for me tomorrow on the west coast. I’ll write more from there. We’ll see. 

Sweet Dreams ~