..alive..

Alive, starting to really love it.

This post is coming to you from RG’s kitchen counter. Yep. Despite the drama, I am here. What is it about this guy that is making me want to hold on? I am a fixer. I know that – at least part of my feelings for him have to do with the fact that he’s been brutally hurt and I feel like I am a healer in many ways. I want to help his heart.

That’s a hard pill though to swallow as it’s not really at good for me, or what I need.

Let’s just lay it out – the truth.

We have essentially stopped with the flirty text messages. Actually our text messages have been pretty much non existent. Our plans changed a bit and I went to a hockey game sunday, the sunday he was supposed to come to town – then we took the same ferry back to the island on Monday. Awkward hug. No Kiss. Chatted like old friends, essentially what we are. Parted ways after the ferry. Platonically.

Talked for a moment to say good night, no let me rephrase – I texted him to say good night.

The next day was busy for me. I ended up meeting him for dinner, which was okay. Then we watched the hockey game, just kind of cuddling and then finally we had very awkward sex.

Okay fast forward to our travels – zero holding hands – no touching – no kissing – no affection. THE WHOLE DAY.

Arrive home, a peck on the mouth which was awkward for both of us.

He did share something that can’t be ignored. I am the first girl he’s brought into his bed while at home, and the plot thicken.. His kids haven’t seen anyone since his ex wife. SO. For all the uncertainty, my sleeping with him here – is kind of a big deal. Tonight we are taking his other son, the only one of his kids that I haven’t met out to watch Catching Fire – (the whole originally reason I am here). I can see a few other things too – his life is BUSY. Like between the kids, the job which is incredibly intense, the house responsibilities, it’s a bit much. When I text him in the morning, he’s rushing around making lunches and getting kids out the door. When I want his attention at night – so do his teenagers. I don’t want a half way relationship – I don’t think he is the “one” for me. Not that way anyways.

So this is where I am sitting, last night I told him –  that I need, like NEED a physical relationship. I am a tactile person. I need it to feel validated.. I think I am also going to tell him the other things I feel are important. I am a good team player. Communication is key. Check in’s are key. I am here for two days, hell I could have finished all the laundry. He needs help, why not just say – and I’ll help. Simple. Virgo’s are notoriously good at mundane.

I don’t know what I expected coming here but not seeing him – wasn’t really part of my plan. Last night he didn’t get home until almost 9pm. This is VERY obviously NOT what I want.

I need a candid conversation. So I’m going to be intentional about making that happen.

Gah. I need to shower. I think we are having lunch today. So I want to get ready. Awkward afternoon, commence.

It’s so funny how the universe works. City guy is practically begging to marry me, yet he can’t be faithful to ONLY me. He want’s a ring on my finger, bad in his strange broken way. He loves me, desires me, matches me  – all of it except that I don’t trust him. He wants to create a life with me. RG on the other hand, I trust with my life, but in every other way we don’t seem to be compatible.

Like Seriously Universe, Come ON.

I like this song. Still. It’s “our” song. LOL so cheesy I know. Friends to the end, that the way I am calling it.

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