Not exactly sure how I got here, back to this place of quiet desperation. It’s dark again. Really dark. I’m afraid that this time it’s going to be harder to climb back out. I can’t breathe. I feel so lost and alone.
These thoughts aren’t helping, they are so hurtful. I feel very, very alone. All that I built was an illusion and none if it is mine.
Why am I so truly unloveable? Why can’t I have one person of my own to love and love me in return.
Why do people use me?
Why do I let them?
I really fucked up this time and the crazy thing is I am so naive. So stupid. I hate love – I hate everything to do with love.
I’m angry at my self.
Vegas churned up a bunch of confusion for me with RG, after all this time. I fell right into the idea of being with him. He told me he wanted to date just me, to be monogamous but that he’s still like to take things slowly. I was shocked. It was such an illusion.
Reality. He texted me quite a bit the first week, “Hey Beautiful, Miss you, Let’s FaceTime.” I literally shook up my entire world to be with him, and stupidly because of my stupidity, it cost me my job, and basically the way of life I had been living. My choices. But again with the naive behaviour. I was so angry at CG because of his lies and honestly I just thought I was wrong about CG being my person.. I was wrong about both of them.
This is the Radio Guy I know – hot and cold. He’s busy/not trying/having second thoughts I wouldn’t know because we don’t talk. I think possibly he liked the idea of me or possibly didn’t like the idea of me with someone else. Either way, I’ve gotten literally no text messages over the weekend – granted he has been busy but still it’s not hugely hard to check in.
Fuck this guy. Truly, what have I done to be punished by caring about this, fuck BOTH of them. It actually hurts. It’s not mutual. It never was. Neither of them are the men for me.
I want more.
Fuck I’m frustrated.
On top of every other damn thing that happened this week, I’m just so done. I’m done being alone. I’m done not being priority. I need a damn hug.
This is not where I want to be.
Work my fucking ass off. Get 2 more clients. Get healthy.
Stop showing CG my vulnerability. (Which right there should be enough of a sign to know he’s not the one) Find some inner peace.
Surfing this weekend. Earth meeting ocean. It was a bliss day. I need a few more of those. I’ll get there.
Not do anything rash? Lol something new for me. Be still heart. Be still.
Thanks for coming to my pity party, it was a grand show.