A thousand times I’ve come here to write and a thousand times I’ve gone elsewhere.
I broke up with City Guy. Finally, Thankfully.
I haven’t really been writing too, too much I know about him but I could have. He really wasn’t the nicest person – frankly he’s a bit narcissistic. Expecting people to be swayed continuously by his train of thought. I did let that happen too, for a while.
I was bored/lonely/heart broken and frankly needed a distraction. Well if nothing else, City Guy is a GREAT distraction. He’s needy you see, so every day all day it’s all about him. I’d hate for him to see what I am writing as it’s mean I know but he’s a pretty selfish guy so some how I don’t feel all that bad.
It’s so interesting to me as we are able to step back from a situation how incredibly clear it all becomes.
Over the last two months, I have been traveling a lot and spending quality chunks of time away from City Guy – which kind of made my decision easier. I could clearly recognize how repressed I was in his presence and in turn how unhappy that made my soul.
CG in fact went to the lengths that every time I’d come home from a trip he’d belittle my experience and try to make me into some kind of a monster for giving him “such a hard time” with my “new self”. Like seriously?
Every single. time. I came home, this has happened – for our entire relationship. He claims with frustration, that I’d come back to him a different person so much so that he didn’t know how to ‘deal with me’. 😦 Fuck you City Guy.
Guess what jerk, – THAT WAS ME. Not the version of me that I let you mould me into in order to keep the peace but actually ME.
Sorry if you didn’t like my personality, FUCKER. Gah.
*Okay outburst over.
The thing is/was to be honest City Guy really didn’t see it coming. Although I’ve tried to break up with him previously several times & he ended up breaking me down (I’m not proud of that but acknowledge it now – controlling people are still really not good for me, nor am I as strong against the manipulation as I thought) I’ve never given into him fully in the first place because my heart was still so protected, well that’s not true if I am being honest, he had me at hello. It was intense and exciting and it all came crashing down when I sat with an inbox full of proof that he has been lying to be our entire relationship – he was still VERY much involved with his EX…
I wanted it to work, I was very much in love with him. I was playing the role of girlfriend really well. I enjoyed it.
I was enjoying the monotony, I like routine, I like having someone to talk to and share with and I like having someone to do things with. LOL that could easily be a friend’s job I suppose but live and learn. For all of City Guys horrible qualities I knew that I had a place there; should I want it. In the scheme of Maslow that can me a fairly persuasive deciding factor. HEAD > HEART which looking back now is really, really sad. NEVER DO THAT TO YOUR SELF!!
I thought it would all be okay.
Selfishly again – or maybe it was a bit of a for shadow to the way it would all play out… I couldn’t seem to stop comparing the two guys in my life; the way I felt in RG presence vs the way I felt in City Guys presence. It’s the craziest thing, up until Paula was uncovered, I had only focused on CG. The crazy thing was if ever the opportunity came, I’d have traded anything for trust. Near the end of my time with CG I did, repeatedly, I guess that’s why I started leaning on RG as our friendship rolled along he became my safe space person. The one I’d reach for had I had a crazy day, or needed a hug or was excited about something. To be perfectly fair as much as I tried to share my joys/sorrows with CG he could’t even hear me. This is not a good idea, never invite a third person in to your relationship, friendship or otherwise. But I am human and imperfect and how the hell was I supposed to know. This is my first go round the show.
I recently went through the death of a friend, an old, old friend. I was shook up more than I let on about everything – City Guy absolutely couldn’t even be bothered to try and be supportive. What ended up happening, I walked through that with Radio Guy quite remotely but supporting none the less. We even had a 45 min long conversation via FT at midnight while I was in the middle of a square in Old Montreal – it was a tough day for me. The whole day had been dedicated to praying for my friend and that’s how it ended, talking with RG. He’s easeful to me, restful, safe, loving in the most holistic way.
I’m heading out Surfing today with Pilot Guy, yep we are still good friends. He’s another easeful soul & I’m glad we met. There is no attraction, just pure friendship. A gem from my online dating experience. Last week was pretty horrific but guess what – I’m still here and am more alive than ever.
“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.” ― Paulo Coelho
Happy Sunday Readers,