..all about me, for today anyway..

Well, Where to even begin?

Maybe Vegas, maybe with Match, maybe with my Ex cheating on me last year for the last and final time after I decided to give him one last chance go for one last grand hail mary – in operation ‘try to save our marriage’.. If it hadn’t been for that – I’d never have signed up on Match.com – if I hadn’t done that – I’d never have met RG. As you remember he was my first date.

The universe surly knew all along that today I would be here. Gah. Brokenhearted. Weird. It’s weird to be broken hearted. I’ve been listening to the whispers, to the signs all along. RG although maybe not meant for me, is surely meant to be in my life.  Ever since he walked in wearing that grey suit, talking a mile a minute – he’s had this strange claim upon my soul. It’s like I’ve known him my whole life, I can’t explain it.

I’ve been changing since that moment and he’s been a big conduit to that for me. There is just something about him that my spirit recognizes as kindred – it’s very hard to explain – not love at first site so much as a long lost soul returning to me – I recognized him, with out ever knowing him before – or even knowing him super well now. We’ve stumbled along through these last few months, pushing and controlling, trying to make ‘us’ fit and be explained. Terrible Idea.

I finally get it though. It’s not something WE can control or even guide. We broke the friend barrier – sort of – I actually think these last few weeks and the truth conversation we finally had two days ago was the missing piece, the timing was off. It’s close or it was but yikes, I freaked out a bit – I was scared, so is he I think. BUT having said that, rather than this experience hindering our way, it’s shifted our perception and we are in sync again. Safe. Friends.

I could tell the last night we spent together we connected, easily. The point was trust and release. Above anything, which is VERY uncommon for me, I trust him.

I let go that morning, earlier in the day, yes it hurt & my ego was bruised a little as I felt it was like a long distance race making this decision but over all – suddenly I felt lighter safer. Back into the area I know, back into my controlled box.

Inner Peace. I can always tell when I make the right decision for me – right now. Timing is so important. 

I revealed more of my self that morning than probably in the seven months prior.

fuckedup

TRUTH: I am fucked up, I am broken, I am hurt. I don’t know much about relationships or love but I do know this, be that as it may – I am fucking passionate about life and I plan to kick some ass, break some new trail and leave a god damn legacy behind! I am going to suck the marrow out of this life, and I won’t look back! I feel pain, I drown in it sometimes but fuck it. That’s me ALIVE.

mytruthphoto

SO.. onto the Way: While we were in Vegas, as we crossed a street the topic of American Beauty came up – and the fact that I haven’t watched it before. I hadn’t ever really even thought about it. Timing, apparently I just wasn’t ready before. 

On the first night at RG’s house we decided tonight was the night.

Holy Fuck. Pardon my language but I was literally sitting there intensely the entire movie – in AWE. I’m pretty aware of the universe – I knew this was an impact experience but at the time I just didn’t really know why..

“It was one of those days when it’s a minute away from snowing and there’s this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that’s the day I realized there was this entire life behind things, and… this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video’s a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember… and I need to remember… Sometimes there’s so much beauty in the world I feel like I can’t take it, like my heart’s going to cave in.”

This is me. This is how totally I experience the world. It crushes me sometimes, yet I could not possibly live any other way.

“When you see something like that, it’s like God is looking right at you, just for a second. And if you’re careful, you can look right back.”

It’s then, that I am moved literally to tears.

Sometimes that’s all that’s missing; we forget to stop, look around and remember there’s so much beauty around us. If we could just let go of all the things we think we need we need, and the notions we feel we have to conform to, maybe we’d see it too.

We went through the rest of the week in a tense way – unauthentic – doing authentic things yes – but without truth. I have a few other valuable things to take away from the week but honestly mostly they have to do with his family. I adore them.

On the last day, post our truth talk, post the morning after that intensity – I had a random message from CG. (I have made one small adjustment – where he is concerned – I recognize that he LOVES me. I can’t script how. I just accept that he does. I can’t control the way, I just recognize that he is also in my life for a purpose. It’s okay that I don’t feel the very same – we are so different and he has betrayed me in such a way that I don’t know how to recover.. I’ll try but I am NOT rushing that process. That being said – I can’t sensor him. He loves me, deeply, tragically and holistically.

CG send me this message – out of the blue.

Ok ok…picture this.  Classic Miss D/CG ‘we get the same thing‘ moment. CG is perched in Starbucks window high-table peering out taking in the pedestrian flow.  I see lanky black dude with good ‘flo and groovin’ to his beats, with solid swagger as his side hand flailing just enough.  The Sun is magically projecting his shadow about 6 feet behind him on a concrete retainer wall – it was dancing and flickering just like the paper bag did in the breeze in American Beauty flick.That, my friend, is a moment of bliss.  Full stop…

Holy Shit right, I am laying next to RG considering our strange connection and CG sends me that. Again I must stress that I haven’t ever thought about that movie ever before. Okay Universe, you HAVE MY ATTENTION. I will keep this movie in the forefront.

In the end he says he “can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.”

That’s where I am right now. I am grateful for every single experience of my life. I will live it, love it, hate it, war with it, anything accept give up. I am made for greatness. (I think we probably all are) Yet the awakening happening for me now – is a gift I am very, very grateful for. This week I am going to be very intentional about living my truth while listening to my interior whispers – NO EXTERNAL ones. I am listening to the universe and allowing it to guide my way. Knowing it is ever changing, accepting that I am ever changing.

And that’s the day I realized there was this entire life behind things, and… this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever.

..all about me, for today anyway..

Well, Where to even begin?

Maybe Vegas, maybe with Match, maybe with my Ex cheating on me last year for the last and final time after I decided to go for one last grand hail mary – in operation ‘try to save our marriage’.. If it hadn’t been for that – I’d never have signed up on Match.com – if I hadn’t done that – I’d never have met Radio Guy. As you remember he was my first date. The universe surly knew all along. That today I would be here. I’ve been listening to the whispers, to the signs all along. RG although maybe not meant for me, exclusively, is surely meant for me. Since he walked in, in that grey suit – I’ve been changing and he’s been a big conduit to that for me. There is just something about him that my spirit recognizes as kindred. We’ve stumbled along through these last few months, pushing and controlling. I finally get it though. It’s not something WE can control or even guide. We broke the friend barrier – sort of – I actually think these last few weeks and the truth conversation we finally had two days ago was the missing piece. Rather than this experience hindering our way, it’s shifted our perception and we are finally in sync. I could tell – the last night we spent together we just connected – it was something I’ve never ever experienced, something new happened. I recognize that the experience was definitely enhanced but that’s not the point, the point was trust and release.

I let go that morning, earlier in the day, yes it hurt & my ego was bruised a little but over all – suddenly I felt lighter.

Inner Peace. I can always tell when I make the right decision for me – right now. 

I revealed more of my self that morning than probably in the seven months prior.

fuckedup

I am fucked up, I am broken, I am hurt. I don’t know much but I do know this , be that as it may – I am fucking passionate about life and I plan to kick some ass, break some new trail and leave a god damn legacy behind! I am going to suck the marrow out of this life, and I won’t look back! I feel pain, I drown in it sometimes but fuck it. That’s me ALIVE.

mytruthphoto

The Way: While we were in Vegas, as we crossed a street the topic of American Beauty came up – and the fact that I haven’t watched it before. I hadn’t ever really even thought about it. Timing, apparently I just wasn’t ready before. 

On the first night at RG’s house we decided tonight was the night.

Holy Fuck. Pardon my language but I was literally sitting there intensely the entire movie – in AWE. I’m pretty aware of the universe – I knew this was an impact experience but at the time I just didn’t really know why..

“It was one of those days when it’s a minute away from snowing and there’s this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that’s the day I realized there was this entire life behind things, and… this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video’s a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember… and I need to remember… Sometimes there’s so much beauty in the world I feel like I can’t take it, like my heart’s going to cave in.”

 

This is me. This is how totally I experience the world. It crushes me sometimes, yet I could not possibly live any other way.

“When you see something like that, it’s like God is looking right at you, just for a second. And if you’re careful, you can look right back.”

It’s then, that I am moved literally to tears.

Sometimes that’s all that’s missing; we forget to stop, look around and remember there’s so much beauty around us. If we could just let go of all the things we think we need we need, and the notions we feel we have to conform to, maybe we’d see it too.

 

We went through the rest of the week in a tense way – unauthentic – doing authentic things yes – but without truth. I have a few other valuable things to take away from the week but honestly mostly they have to do with his family. I adore them.

On the last day, post our truth talk, post the morning after that intensity – I had a random message from CG. (I have made one small adjustment – where he is concerned – I recognize that he LOVES me. Its totally fucked up, as I don’t think he really gets what love means, so I can’t script how. I just accept that he does. I can’t control the way, I just recognize that he is also in my life for a purpose. It’s okay that I don’t feel the very same – we are so different. That being said – I can’t sensor him. He love me, deeply, tragically and holistically. I don’t think it’s going to end well for him. He’ll have his heart broken by me – whether soon or in a few years – that part I am letting go of.

CG send me this message – out of the blue.

Ok ok…picture this.  Classic Miss D/CG ‘we get the same thing‘ moment. CG is perched in Starbucks window high-table peering out taking in the pedestrian flow.  I see lanky black dude with good ‘flo and groovin’ to his beats, with solid swagger as his side hand flailing just enough.  The Sun is magically projecting his shadow about 6 feet behind him on a concrete retainer wall – it was dancing and flickering just like the paper bag did in the breeze in American Beauty flick.That, my friend, is a moment of bliss.  Full stop…

 

Holy Shit right, I am laying next to RG revelling in the pure intoxication of the physical connection from the night before – and CG sends me that. Again I must stress that I haven’t ever thought about that movie ever before. Okay Universe, you HAVE MY ATTENTION. I will keep this movie in the forefront.

In the end he says he “can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.”

 

That’s where I am right now. I am grateful for every single experience of my life. I will live it, love it, hate it, war with it, anything accept give up. I am made for greatness. (I think we probably all are) Yet the awakening happening for me now – is a gift I am very, very grateful for. This week I am going to be very intentional about living my truth while listening to my interior whispers – NO EXTERNAL ones. I am listening to the universe and allowing it to guide my way. Knowing it is ever changing, accepting that I am ever changing.

And that’s the day I realized there was this entire life behind things, and… this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever.

..alive..

Alive, starting to really love it.

This post is coming to you from RG’s kitchen counter. Yep. Despite the drama, I am here. What is it about this guy that is making me want to hold on? I am a fixer. I know that – at least part of my feelings for him have to do with the fact that he’s been brutally hurt and I feel like I am a healer in many ways. I want to help his heart.

That’s a hard pill though to swallow as it’s not really at good for me, or what I need.

Let’s just lay it out – the truth.

We have essentially stopped with the flirty text messages. Actually our text messages have been pretty much non existent. Our plans changed a bit and I went to a hockey game sunday, the sunday he was supposed to come to town – then we took the same ferry back to the island on Monday. Awkward hug. No Kiss. Chatted like old friends, essentially what we are. Parted ways after the ferry. Platonically.

Talked for a moment to say good night, no let me rephrase – I texted him to say good night.

The next day was busy for me. I ended up meeting him for dinner, which was okay. Then we watched the hockey game, just kind of cuddling and then finally we had very awkward sex.

Okay fast forward to our travels – zero holding hands – no touching – no kissing – no affection. THE WHOLE DAY.

Arrive home, a peck on the mouth which was awkward for both of us.

He did share something that can’t be ignored. I am the first girl he’s brought into his bed while at home, and the plot thicken.. His kids haven’t seen anyone since his ex wife. SO. For all the uncertainty, my sleeping with him here – is kind of a big deal. Tonight we are taking his other son, the only one of his kids that I haven’t met out to watch Catching Fire – (the whole originally reason I am here). I can see a few other things too – his life is BUSY. Like between the kids, the job which is incredibly intense, the house responsibilities, it’s a bit much. When I text him in the morning, he’s rushing around making lunches and getting kids out the door. When I want his attention at night – so do his teenagers. I don’t want a half way relationship – I don’t think he is the “one” for me. Not that way anyways.

So this is where I am sitting, last night I told him –  that I need, like NEED a physical relationship. I am a tactile person. I need it to feel validated.. I think I am also going to tell him the other things I feel are important. I am a good team player. Communication is key. Check in’s are key. I am here for two days, hell I could have finished all the laundry. He needs help, why not just say – and I’ll help. Simple. Virgo’s are notoriously good at mundane.

I don’t know what I expected coming here but not seeing him – wasn’t really part of my plan. Last night he didn’t get home until almost 9pm. This is VERY obviously NOT what I want.

I need a candid conversation. So I’m going to be intentional about making that happen.

Gah. I need to shower. I think we are having lunch today. So I want to get ready. Awkward afternoon, commence.

It’s so funny how the universe works. City guy is practically begging to marry me, yet he can’t be faithful to ONLY me. He want’s a ring on my finger, bad in his strange broken way. He loves me, desires me, matches me  – all of it except that I don’t trust him. He wants to create a life with me. RG on the other hand, I trust with my life, but in every other way we don’t seem to be compatible.

Like Seriously Universe, Come ON.

I like this song. Still. It’s “our” song. LOL so cheesy I know. Friends to the end, that the way I am calling it.