..the human condition..

Sometimes I just wonder if we aren’t predisposed to be unhappy.

I should be happy, it would seem. I’m not though. I’m pretty annoyed. At the very same time I feel horrible for being annoyed.

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Here is it.

I gave up a weekend at home with great personal effort I might add to spend a weekend with CG. I invited my kids to come spend time with me, of course their Dad blocked my efforts and TOLD them that they had to come with him to CR for the weekend, fine. I am dealing with that. It’s a work in process. My Dad is home this weekend and I’d have LOVED to spend time with him – YET here I am. Sitting in Gastown, annoyed. We’ve been watching YouTube videos for HOURS. CG and his son are reminiscing about old times, of course of which I am not part of, have no idea about or any personal attachment too.

A little back story.. CG and his son are fairly newly rekindled after a bit of time spend uncomfortably apart due to CG’s toxic ex girlfriend, I know CG is filled with Joy. I am honestly happy for them, truly. (hence my guilt) It wasn’t really planned for him to be here, there is also a circumstance, I get it. CG’s son is leaving the country in four months, so I know CG wants to get as much quality time in as possible. I DO UNDERSTAND.

Buuuut. That little childlike voice in my head is going, WTF? What about me?

I got up at 5 am, after working all week, plus till ten pm last night, drove 1.5 hours in the fucking pouring rain, spent $150.00 to get here and yeah – I want some attention. I WANT SOME ATTENTION. I want some FUCKING attention.

Is it not reasonable that we could do something that we could all participate in? Where the 3 of us might have a contributing part?

It’s 8:30 pm.

I’m irritated and actually, I want to tell CG to fuck off. He actually just came in here and asked me what’s up.. but not in a nice way – he actually said “you just got up all postal, and left”.  Wow, very sensitive.

What do you think, intelligent guy? It’s really not a complicated matter.

GaaaaaaaaaaaaaaHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why do I feel like crying? I think he’s a distraction – and when I am all the way here and am not distracted it’s a little bit hard. I feel isolated here. I don’t like it much. I know this isn’t where my heart is. I miss my family so much right now it hurts.

All this talking about “such fucking amazing parenting” is making me miss my kids so much. I’m actually missing my kids so much it hurts my heart.

Tonight I sent a video to my son,

Ds sent me a txt back that simply read, “water works..”

Oh man, way does life have to be so complicated for us all? It’s not really I don’t think, not really. I am complicating it by not telling CG what’s really bothering me. Honestly though, I don’t want to – It sounds too selfish. I don’t want to feel like that girl. And if I were to be really, really honest. I’d leave and not come back. I am still so hurt. I fucking hate CG’s EX.

I’m hurting. I’m just frustrated. They don’t get it at all.

CG just came back in here and said again, “What’s going on? We were all in the love and you just got up and left?” No CG WE were not ALL in the love, you were. I was quietly sitting watching hours of videos. That’s really hard for me – I am so not into being here right now.

This past four days, we’ve barely spoken as he was here & I was there and besides his son being here, he was working, had a guys night and and just generally didn’t want to talk on the phone. Yup. I guess I am feeling a little bit neglected. So much for my plan to let myself be distracted.

My friend is dying, its all I can think about he hasn’t texted me at all today. I have no idea what’s going on. I don’t even know who to call. All I have wanted was CG to look at me, to listen.

I guess I just have a lot going on.

On Tuesday, I am leaving for a week. Another back story, about 3 weeks ago it came out that CG was having an emotional affair with his ex – it was pretty toxic. No matter the “reason” – It hurt. It hurt me so much that I actually felt like all my breathe left and it was very hard to get it back, immediately post that – I ended up in the hospital several times for some kidney issues. He was still fucking around with his EX girlfriends, with me – texting her – with me – emailing her – with her texting me. What the fuck? HE lies so bloody much. I need to get out of here. It’s a dangerous toxic environment. Yet when he is with me – he has this way of engaging me that is crazy and I like it. I like the depth and intensity, as long as I don’t think about it too much I can enjoy it superficially – when I start thinking I know I need to RUN AWAY.

Wow, I am not going to lie, now that I am typing it all out – I feel like this month hasn’t exactly been awesome.

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Gosh, do you hear that? – I think I hear a tiny violin. I am having a pity party all by my self over here.

I  need to stop.

Black cloud, you need to leave now.

I’m going to acknowledge that CG has let me down today, tonight, for pretty much our entire relationship. I am going to acknowledge that CG is a cheater and probably always will be and that he’s not the answer to my problems and that he’s isn’t going to make me happy all the time. He’s a man and I think a rather selfish one. I chose him, to I’ll live with it – but next time I might not choose to come here. My family is also important and he actually never makes effort to spend time with me. It’s all my side. I am the one making all the effort traveling, leaving my people behind, and fitting in to HIS life. I thought he was worth my effort but on nights like this it’s hard to feel it.

Love the ultimate VERB.

I am going to go out there, a great personal cost and be kind. I am going to try.

..waiting at the seaplane terminal..

My oh my, how life is changing. Hippy chic meets urban boy, urban boy realizes hippy chic has ultra inteligencia, hippy chic thinks urban boy is fun to talk with.. urban boy invites hippy chic to dream big.. hippy chic who is VERY good at dreaming decides she wants to start a company that will pay her to do something she loves.. urban boy being the commerce gent that he is recognizes her marketability.. and it was from this that a beautiful relationship was born.

Okay so maybe it wasn’t quite like that. There may have been some hiking, some crazy push back from the hippy chick as it’s actually a LOT harder to reign in a scottish lass than urban boy would have imagined possible.. yet when push comes to shove something real either is there.. or it isn’t. Ha. In our case it certainly ISN’T but maybe the point of all of this was – new career track, for me. Thank you Universe for this road.

It was the best of times and the worst of times and so, it shall be.

Truth always has a way of coming out – both of them with the rosy honeymoon coloured glasses off – they can see each other for what they really are. Kinda brutal, kinda human. Playing with Fire – Bucket list: CHECK.

Genuine yet flawed, Loving yet broken, Selfless yet selfish, tangled yet totally free… It’s what I wanted. It’s intense. It’s passionate, it’s good for me, right now. RIGHT NOW. It’s the first time in my entire life that I have lived so selfishly.

I’m leaning in.

“Intimacy is based on shared vulnerability.. nothing deepens intimacy like the experiences that we share when we feel flayed – with our skins off,  when we feel scared and vulnerable.. and then, when our partner is there with us..  willing to share in the scary stuff.. that’s an encounter of the human kind. It’s beautiful. It’s rare and it’s a gift. So that when you recognize that you have it, don’t let go. ”

Just Be HERE, MISS D, Just Breathe.

– MIss D.

Urban boy and I have our share of stuff, we’ll call them the ‘others’ BUT I now know without a shadow of a doubt, CG is in my corner. I am in his.

All the Dh drama, the cruelty of the parental alienation, the fear of uprooting, the hesitancy of starting a new career.. he’s simply in my corner, he may not always show and sometimes I can’t feel it – the universe shows me – I know he’s not some spotless masterpiece either, but this is what I know. Right now, I need him and right now, he needs me.

Deeply.

(Off the topic) 

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I am finishing this post as we land in a sea plane.. my gosh it’s been a bumpy ride!

Safely landed, though.. 🙂

Be well readers, I am heading into my jeep for a 1.5 hour drive to my next job..

xo Miss D.

Rock –> ME <– Hard Place

I am going to write again, but more for the purpose of documentation. I have a few other blogs which I contribute to and through them am able to nurture my creativity.. however this blog is and always has been my place of refuge.

I come here and Yawp. I come here to cry and scream and beg the universe for mercy. It’s currently private, but who knows I may take it back on line again, I haven’t yet decided.

The Barbaric Yawp.

I sound my barbaric yawp over the rooftops of the world.

-Walt Whitman

I’ve been in and out of the hospital this week, dealing with kidney stones. Most painful experience of my entire life. It’s been brutal. My kids and I are dealing in full force the aftermath of a parental manipulation and alienation. My lovely city guy has had some fairly sizeable skeletons come out of the closet, and I am beginning a new career. It’s been a difficult month.

Stick around if you wish, I am going to try and write regularly again.

xo

Miss d.