..come as you are..

I love this song. I like to think I am so fiery and independent but fuck that is so not true. I am struggling every single day to find my place. This is my blessing and my curse. I cant be still. I want MORE.

I can’t seem to stop my self from trying to figure it all out.

I want to be loved. simple.

I need a break though from all that.

Do you know, lately I have been really thinking about my own mortality. Things are so hard. My life is hard. Every life is hard I bet. I guess. I’m no different. It’s just that I have these premonitions and they are scarily accurate.

So my friend Radio Guy. Damn it.  He’s the most complicated person. EVER. But more or less it’s complicated for me. I don’t even know what it is about him that makes me feel so safe. I’m drawn to him. He makes me feel so truly secure and comfortable opening my truest self. I trust him. Hmm do I sense a new “season” friend – am I about to grow??

A few weeks ago, I knew that in my heart of hearts that he’s not here for a long time. I knew that he is going to leave. Probably within a week of me realizing this, he told me he is considering putting in a proposal to his boss to move home. Of course I didn’t tell him what I know. However. I do know. By september he is going to be gone.

I might be too though.

Sic Vita Est.

I am preparing to go on a kayaking trip next weekend. It’s either going to be an extremely soul rocking trip or else one of darkness. I don’t know. All I know is that I have a strong pull of energy that is drawing me into this journey. I’m in a place of resolution, could this be it. The end? It could be.

I guess in admitting this, I am simply saying out loud – Be HERE. LIve. Breathe. Accept what comes, with gratitude as it comes. Total surrender.

I will keep going.

For now.

& lastly..

I think I am finally ready to get a tattoo.

On my rib cage just under my left breast I want to have the words:

..so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat..

and on my right side:

SymbolKey-150dpi

 

I think I am ready.

 

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