..sunday fire..

 

I have been toying with writing for a while now, as so much has been going on.. I even took to writing classically with actual pen and paper! It does tend to go that way when I am wondering through my summers.

I wrote a facebook status last week that asked the question; “If you were to look into a mirror today who would be looking back, you or a version of you?”

It’s been an emotional whirl the last few weeks, closures and direction and finally at long last some peace again.

Radio guy is over. For real. Not that it ever really started but I did learn quite a bit about myself through our friendship. I think despite the fact that he is significantly older than me, he is just as lost. No judgement – I still care for him and to be honest I am thankful that my first dating experience was with him. His odd tension helped me to begin to master my patience and his full acceptance helped me unlock my inner self, at least to begin too – now I know two things for sure – I am NOT in a rush to get into a relationship and I am not compromising my weirdness in order to make someone like me. I am an intricate soul – with many, many layers – I don’t have life figured out and that’s okay to be here and in the throws of experimentation. The silver lining of radio guy – well potentially there is two – I can actually see myself being friends with him and secondly – he and I share a sublime love of music that is AWESOME. I’ve never met anyone that I’ve connected with that way over something outside of self. It’s really cool.

So – since I now have some closure – I am getting out there – I guess this time for real. I am ready. I am going to date freely this summer, no pressure and no agenda.

There are so many amazing things going on beyond anything to do with men that it’s really not my focus at all. I love summer, truly. I am living for the adventure right now!

Remember Pilot guy, the cute young one? He’s back. I’d say he is whom I am most consistently spending my time with. I really like him – as a friend ( to be clear ) he’s a super easy soul with just enough cocky stubbornness to make me laugh and keep me interested.  I think because he is my age we tend to have lots of regular things in common, social media and avid texting for one – that one thing I don’t love about the older guys – they really aren’t into it. Not to mention – history stuff – same similar back grounds era wise. Plus pilot guy is uber adventuresome, daring and challenging but in the same breath the most down to earth unpretentious person ever. That’s a great personality combo. Crack of dawn last minute surf trip, why not! It’s awesome!! It’s easy to be me – my normal hippy chick, random, uncoordinated, bossy self. 🙂

There are three others currently on the dating palate – but I am not really in the mood to write about them just yet. I probably will but right now I’m about to go to Mass. (and I am biking there so – best be going)

I think I am heading to the west coast today, love it there so much – def. my happy place.

Be well readers, until next time.

xo

..come as you are..

I love this song. I like to think I am so fiery and independent but fuck that is so not true. I am struggling every single day to find my place. This is my blessing and my curse. I cant be still. I want MORE.

I can’t seem to stop my self from trying to figure it all out.

I want to be loved. simple.

I need a break though from all that.

Do you know, lately I have been really thinking about my own mortality. Things are so hard. My life is hard. Every life is hard I bet. I guess. I’m no different. It’s just that I have these premonitions and they are scarily accurate.

So my friend Radio Guy. Damn it.  He’s the most complicated person. EVER. But more or less it’s complicated for me. I don’t even know what it is about him that makes me feel so safe. I’m drawn to him. He makes me feel so truly secure and comfortable opening my truest self. I trust him. Hmm do I sense a new “season” friend – am I about to grow??

A few weeks ago, I knew that in my heart of hearts that he’s not here for a long time. I knew that he is going to leave. Probably within a week of me realizing this, he told me he is considering putting in a proposal to his boss to move home. Of course I didn’t tell him what I know. However. I do know. By september he is going to be gone.

I might be too though.

Sic Vita Est.

I am preparing to go on a kayaking trip next weekend. It’s either going to be an extremely soul rocking trip or else one of darkness. I don’t know. All I know is that I have a strong pull of energy that is drawing me into this journey. I’m in a place of resolution, could this be it. The end? It could be.

I guess in admitting this, I am simply saying out loud – Be HERE. LIve. Breathe. Accept what comes, with gratitude as it comes. Total surrender.

I will keep going.

For now.

& lastly..

I think I am finally ready to get a tattoo.

On my rib cage just under my left breast I want to have the words:

..so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat..

and on my right side:

SymbolKey-150dpi

 

I think I am ready.

 

..the storm..

I’m in this place again. It’s dark here, and cold. It’s loud, what is that sound?

Wrath, fire, wind silently penetrating my ears, my soul.

It hurts everywhere. I hurt.

There is a rough wooden chair, I am sitting in it, my wrists are bound cruelly with leather straps to the ridged arms of the chair. The straps tear at the delicate flesh covering the fragile bones of my wrist. I can’t move.

Oh please no…

He’s here with me.

I can smell his musty odour, sex and sweat and hatred.

I’m not going to die. I will not die. I don’t want to die.

I feel something gently touching the tips of my toe.. It’s a liquid.

Why is he watching me? I cant see his eyes. I’m tired.

It’s cooling now, the liquid. It’s pooling near my right foot. I don’t want to touch it.

I’m so frightened.

Help me.