My song as of late..
Have a listen.
I’ve been in a weird mood lately so I let myself wallow in it for a few days but… we’re done, so like always it’s time – I take a deep breath and say, FUCK YOU WORLD.
I was thinking this morning, for once in my bloody life that I’d like someone to come along and sweep me off my feet. I’m tired of fighting, of pushing, of struggling against the bullshit drama that is my world. Contrary to popular opinion – which is especially indicative of my fake Facebook account – I do NOT have all my shit together at all.
I am great at pretending that I do, but lets just be honest.. I am just a girl – I want extraordinary, I want swept off my feet, I want passion, I want slow kisses in the rain, I want to be wanted without condition. Admitting that feels like such an incredible weakness.
I want this…
I’ve had an interesting month or so trying on this new thing called “dating”. It’s been nothing short of entertaining (at the very least) it’s been busy, it’s been unexpected and up until very, very recently it’s been quite positive.
I’ll give you the cliff notes version: since I am in the mood to write this morning.
Well after the fiasco with Dh, I made an executive decision (with a little help from my friend – and by help I mean push/encouragement) Either way, I made my decision and went online and made my profile. Yup. I am utilizing internet dating.
I was totally honest in my profile. I figured, go hard or go home right?!
And the first night I had it up and going, the frenzy began. By the end of the first weekend I had three dates lined up for the following week.
Given the nature of my life, I was a little bit busy and couldn’t get to them right away so there was a bit more chatting back and forth before I actually committed to an ‘in person’ date.
1. Radio Guy we’ll call him. Well. LOL this was an interesting date. I was completely PMS feeling totally awful and viola – I’m going on my first proper date in years. We went to lunch, my hands shook, he talked a lot and when we finished he asked me if he could see me again. My initial impression of him was one of intrigue. He was nothing like I had expected nor anticipated, as an older professional guy I was expecting a bit more monotony, yet here was this guy talking about the Isle of Wight. (a wickedly awesome outdoor concert held every year in the UK – and which the KIllers – my favorite band is headlining this year) NOBODY I know, knows about that. We chatted about music, our teenagers, our likes/dislikes, his divorce… We talked easily for hours.
2. Fort Mac Guy. This one, I got a funny vibe from. We talked quite a lot via phone/text prior to meeting and there was just something about him that I couldn’t put my finger on. For our first date we decided on a walk. When he showed up, first he didn’t look anything like in his profile pictures, definitely they were taken a long time ago and when he was 20 lbs lighter. I don’t care, he was still quite attractive but why lie? Haven’t you ever heard of Catfish?? 😉 Haha.
We went for a nice long walk but right away there was something about his personality that was rubbing me the wrong way, he agreed with everything I said. WTF. That kind of annoyed me. Then 3/4 of the way through our walk he cornered me and said that he really likes me and that he would like us to not see other people. I was honest, I told him that’s not at all what I had in mind and we finished our walk. I took off and within that same night he propositioned me, asking repeatedly to come over. FLAG. & we’re done.
3. Engineer Guy. Strong silent type. We had lunch, it was nice. Easy. Simple. I could tell right away that there were no sparks. We saw each other again one more time, but I don’t know – I think he’s just a bit too quiet for me.
4. Dirt Bike Guy. This one is wild. We’ve been talking for just about as long as Radio Guy and I have been – but in the case that radio guy is reserved and gentlemanly, Dirt bike guy is sex and chaos and complete caveman. He puts out this vibe of hot, messy sex and I know, I KNOW that it would be dangerous for me to be alone with him. He works in a very hard core environment, makes crazy money and lives his life in such a way that – what I want – I get. I can tell he wants me. I think it would be very, very ego stroking for me to say yes.. but I’m afraid to say yes to all of that. I don’t have strong feelings for him beyond physical ones. Intellectually, we’re not matched well.
5. Dealership Guy. Here is another professional guy, again he’s a bit older, he’s an alright match intellectually but again my flag is up – He’s a bit pretentious & I think he may have some boundary issues. I don’t like it when people talk to me like they know me, when they don’t. I think given his age vs his professional accomplishments, he’s pretty young to be where is he is professionally so that may just be who he is. However that’s not who I am. I am about the least materialistic person on the planet, I can’t be with someone that doesn’t understand that.
6. Hipster Guy, LOL this one is fun to chat with. He’s hilarious. He hosts a radio show that reminds me very much of that Christian Slater movie, with the famous Leonard Cohen song, Everybody Knows – I forget the name of the movie. Beyond that, he’s very well spoken, can match me intellectually – is a huge nerd and from what I can tell is quite easy going and into trying new things.
7. Pilot Guy. This one is making me question everything that I thought I knew about what I wanted. We have hung out a few times and actually because he’s a bit younger than I am – I kinda dismissed him as a potential for someone to date. Well. God is laughing. There are a few secret qualities that are really, really important to me in another person. Kindness towards others, confidence, (personally), a sense of adventure, reliability, strong family roots, class, a super current under the surface sexuality.. this boy – he’s incredibly charming. He’s away for the next few weeks, his job is pure insanity – admirable but how to put this, extreme. I like hanging out with him, so I am sure there are more adventures to come. It’s hard though to wrap my head around the younger guys, they are just starting out – wanting kids, wanting marriage and that is the primary reason I didn’t even consider him. LIke how judgemental is that.
Pilot Guy and I talked the other night about – “why I put up such walls in terms of what I am looking for”… that conversation hasn’t left me. Why do I do that?
I think maybe it’s my method of self preservation. I am so scared to let myself feel that I put up a million stubborn walls and set the bar so high people cant meet my expectation and then when things don’ work it feels like its my decision to walk away before anyone could ever do it first. That doesn’t seem all that healthy but geez putting your heart out there is TERRIFYING.
This is where I am with Radio Guy.
I am terrified. We’ve been seeing each other for over a month, I love spending time with him because we have a lot of random stuff in common plus for the first time in a long time I have someone to talk to about parenting stuff, he gets it – he has three teenagers. That’s so valuable to me, you have no idea. But in the same breath there is something about him that seriously intimidates me. He makes me feel nervous and I have no idea why. When we are together it’s as easy as the first time, we just talk and talk and talk. When we aren’t together it’s pretty nil in terms of communication. We text a bit but nothing beyond that. There isn’t anything going on between us that is at all sexual, but our friendship is growing. He shared with me, that yes he is interested but due to a past experience – wants to take things nice & slow. I can get that. Because of my faith – keeping things PG works really well. I am not saying I like it nor that it isn’t frustrating sometimes but I don’t really want to get into trouble morally either. BUT. There is something up too. Maybe he’s seeing someone else. I can’t really tell, one thing I know about Radio Guy, he isn’t letting me in at all so I have to make a decision. Honest confession, with him the friendship line is blurring. I took myself off the dating site, I found the emails to be getting a bit overwhelming. AND I have been feeling lately like I need a break, first date/get to know you business is exhausting. I feel like now it’s false advertising too, I don’t really want to date anyone else anymore – or well I didn’t want to. If Radio Guy is going to be my important person, well then – that’s it. I know its not a big deal – I can date as much as I want but guess what – that’s not really me. I was pretty secure in that – until the last few days. He’s shutting me out a bit and I don’t understand it. I don’t want to play that game, you don’t text me so I wont text you. I am stubborn and good at it. BUT I don’t want that – I want someone in my life to share life with. Not every second of the day, but everyday for sure. I thought I wasn’t ready for that but now I am realizing that yes, actually I am.
This past weekend was BS. It was a bunch of drama with my ex and my kids and honestly I needed/wanted a friend, a hug and a little vent. When I was in the middle of it – I realized Radio Guy and I are not on the same page. He was very sweet of course, like always… But he’s not my important person, not yet. Hell he just left for a week and he didn’t even text me to say goodbye. That’s weird, and honestly my feelings are hurt.
That in itself is enough evidence to show, as they say “he’s just not that into you“. I am trying to take what he said at face value but I am wondering now if he’s not a bit of a player and I am way to naive in these matters to deal with someone like that.
My whole marriage was based on me walking on eggshells and never knowing where I stood. I am NOT doing that again. If I get into a relationship with a new guy, I’m going to make damn sure he knows how lucky he is that I am giving him my time.
I may not have a ton of experience just yet in this whole dating game – but slowly but surly I am going to work it all out. I wont settle for anything less then heart stopping amazing!
Well today is Tuesday, I have a funeral to go to. Nothing like a little life perspective. Also tonight is boot camp – although I feel tired and have for a few days time to change this mopey little mood around.
I have a Mudder to train for!
If you made it through this long post, I applaud you.
Be well readers, Happy Tuesday!
ETA: WTF. Just when I settle it out in my head – Radio Guy messages me.
Crazy morning, yada, yada…
Will miss you and our talks. I get back Monday night, let me know your schedule so we can get together next week. I dreamt about you 🙂
Well.. What do you think? Am I getting played or what? It this a game? I can’t freaking tell. He makes me crazy. Arg. Well – I have plans on my night off next week, my BFF & I are going to a concert in Van. Remember Capital Cities? I posted them a few weeks ago – we just got tickets. I will stop thinking about it until after I get back from that.. This guy reminds me of a song, by Mother Mother.
Not the violent part just the general feeling this song invokes in me!