..a week..

What a difference a week makes.

Today is a Sunday. My kids are NOT here. It’s my day. Last week, the one that just went by had some deeply difficult decisions made. BY ME. I stood up for myself. It was hard and heart wrenching and now I am trying my best to be.

As you know, or actually maybe you don’t because I was writing fairly cryptically but I might as well come clean, this is my private blog after all. Private in that no one in real life has this web address – (thankfully) I can freely express myself with out worrying about people in real life knowing my worries. Some people drink or take drugs well not me, I tend to gravitate toward extreme sports and very long winded rants on my blog. Haha it’s therapeutic. Isn’t the attraction of an anonymous blog that you want to be heard… but not by anyone you actually know?! That’s the attraction for me anyway.

So. I have no idea how what I am about to write even happened or now looking back, how it started.. but let me try and explain.

Last year, I heard a story about a couple that were separated for nine years but didn’t get divorced. In the end they ended up getting back together and are now missionaries…

This story sat down hard on my heart. It’s kind of became this huge dream that I simply couldn’t shake. I always look for signs in my life, like guidance from God to help me navigate the life He knows I am capable of living. This is a personal truth.

My marriage was a nightmare, lets just be honest. From beginning to end, I was treated really poorly. I know that logically. I am reasonable enough to see that my ex isn’t really ‘good husband’ material. Well, now knowing that, enter faith. Does that change anything? It certainly did for me. After the fiasco with our attorneys that went down a few years ago, the hearing, the constant drama – and the pressure from my ‘church’ friends to be faithful to my vows, I gave up – sort of. I gave up trying to get away from Dh.

To add another element of complication, I briefly dated prior to the hearing, and for a short while after, thinking I was soon to be divorced. I met someone significant and had hope for a future with him actually — but due to some Dh related trauma it blew up into a big drama mess. It was bad, kids were hurt, I was hurt, he was hurt. It was just bad all the way around.

Hindsight being the 20/20 that it always is – I can see that this man that I dated really wasn’t matched well to me. I wasn’t ready, not emotionally at least. I was trying to fix something and to make something fit that wasn’t right. Had I know then what I know now..

18 months later..  we are here, today, now. It’s funny though how the hands of fate work, after a long time of really poor and immature behaviour that pretty much cemented any hope of us (the guy I dated )and I ever getting back together a new relationship has grown,  right out of the ashes. We’ve started to rekindle our friendship. I really didn’t see that coming but I’m glad for the opportunity now. He’s really easy to talk with and I think that is where we are meant to be in one anthers lives. Friends.

Anyway, after him I made a vow to myself and God. I was going to stop trying to move forward away from Dh and rather I was going to just be – praying and living and most importantly – NOT DATING.

I committed to a prayer hour for my ex husband daily, I started being kinder to him and to his family in my own heart and mind. Through a random succession of happenings – I ended up moving back into his town and over time his lying ways started to become more and more transparent. He was still very much a nightmare but I felt noting but hope for his conversion.

My catholic friends continued to encourage this quieter lifestyle. It was a lot of pressure to be honest. Living a vow, when you are the only one trying to do so. Not only is it incredibly unrewarding but it’s awfully lonely. I went though some hard core spiritual battles some of the worst I have ever faced. Its funny because that only added to the belief that I was doing the right thing.

It was in Feb this year that everything went off the rails. I went to a Matt Maher concert in Vancouver with some of the youth I work with, three days prior to the concert – my daughter for the first time told me she wanted to come back home to live with me due to a new girl ex had been seeing. Unfortunately, It erupted into world war 3 and my experience with Matt Maher was pretty well ruined. I came home from Vancouver exhausted mentally and physically so I spent the day hiking with my girlfriend. When I returned home – it was calm. (like eye of the storm calm)

Two days later, on a tuesday morning my ex and I started talking again. We talked for hours – like we hadn’t in years. Openly & friendly like.. thus began a new relationship. We began seeing each other, in secret. First and formost so as to not confuse our kids before we actually new what this was ourselves but also because our parents would kill us. That was a strange place to be, I don’t generally keep secrets but it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. (I know you can think it, I was being stupid because everyone knows a fundamental relationship rule is thus, it you have to keep it a secret – probably you should not be in it at all) ANYWAY… throwing caution to the wind, all of a sudden my life became way, way easier. Dh was being kind and helpful and all of a sudden it felt like my whole world clicked back into place. I went from zero to 1000 in only a few weeks. I think I might have fallen in love with him, or at least looking at in now in hindsight, the whole idea of him. It was our family. I saw my kids everyday wether at my house or his, we collaborated on Dd’s birthday it was so perfect, we texted and talk and did family things, normal family things all together. I simply thought, this is so PERFECT.

FLAG.

If that wasn’t a flag I don’t know & then it happened… History Repeats. First incidence, my gut told me something was up, I reacted in the exact unhealthy manor I had a thousand times before, he reacted to me reacting in the same unhealthy way he had a thousand times before.

A little shakily we resumed and a week or so went by tension eased, he became his sweet self, I didn’t forget but I pushed it aside for the ‘greater good’ (which includes NOT TRUSTING MYSELF OR MY INTUITION) oy. and then repeat. This went on for almost two months until the finale

Oh the finale…

His supposed ex girlfriend *and I just want to point out – that everything from the very first incendence when my gut told me something and I didn’t listen – I should have because I was spot on right every. single. time. Okay back to the story, his supposed ex girlfriend goes away on a holiday to mexico. We spent dd’s bday together, & randomly he starts questioning about my past three years and subsequently gets colder and colder towards me, next five days I get the freeze out – dh is mad and moody and I have done absolutely nothing wrong. All the while supposed ex is posting public pics of her partying with various guys. Dh starts making comments about things that I have ‘done’ to make him this angry.. recognizing this trick for what it was – I blew up at him and he of course in his manipulative way turned everything around and blamed me for his behaviour… This was a Thursday – the same day supposed ex was returning home from the trip & he mysteriously had to work late… Okay, I have both kids with me at my house – whats done is down – blow up finished I thought it was over.

The next day I went to work and we had began exchanging regular text messages again and for whatever reason, he’s being charming again. I was disarmed – but still shaken because the blow out the night before was kinda brutal. Actually the &%$# tard made me question myself, not cool! It was part of the plan though I guess because this is how I know God is with me, even when I can’t feel him at all. I have been praying for soooooooo long for an awnser about what to do with DH, keep faithful and try and salvage our marriage or put the final nail in the coffin and move on??

Back to the finale.

I was harmlessly sitting at my desk looking though my IG account when I decided to creep supposed ex-girlfriends profile, chalk it up to my gut being intuitive. Imagine my surprise when I found this.

IMG_0792

It was taken the night before. *Don’t I have the best boyfriend?! Came home to flowers at my door*

There it was, my moment of clarity.

He was lying. I had proof. It was over.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

So that was it. I didn’t argue, I didn’t fight – I recognized how much that I was hurt and then let go, finally. It was in that moment that I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I could let him go and move on.

I know that for a while I had been ready to move forward with my life, I have a bit more freedom and time now and I’m really ready to let someone in – for what ever reason I thought that if he had truly changed that it would be him. – As the events of those 8 weeks we spent together indicated – he really hasn’t changed at all and you know what,                 I deserve better.

A lot of stuff happened in the 48 hours following that crazy morning such as my daughter spilling her guts about EVERYTHING that had gone on negatively between her and her dad over the last few years, me coming in contact with a new lawyer the very afternoon following this info coming out, & me making the decision to be open to the universe and accepting of the people that newly walk into my life. Thats a pretty huge shift in thinking.

In the last week – I had to make some tough decisions. I came clean with my kids – both of them, regarding the mess and told them the truth for once about why I left their father and the difficulties I have faced because of it – and finally I made the decision to halt the communication all together with dh. My kids are both teens now – anything that needs to be said and or decided can be done directly. He’s a liar and lives in a very dramatic world – I really can’t handle that. So I won’t.

It’s been a little bit quiet. I know my kids just need some time to allow things to simmer down and they will come back again. I trust somehow now, where I was scared to trust before, in God’s care and concern for me. It’s mercifully evident that no matter how idiotic I act and how small that seed of my faith is – the seed is mine. He gave it to ME. In all of this, the way has been clear. I can see now that there really is a beautiful life with my name on it. All I need to do now, is to start living it.

I need to share this amazing song, it’s definitely my favourite right now.

Lol, I bet I’ve listened to it ten times today alone.

I always seem to have an anthem that kind of coincides with what ever I am living currently. It’s funny, I was at lunch on friday and someone suggested that it’s like having a sound track to life. That’s exactly it. I think some people get that, but some people don’t. Music is part of me. It always has been.

In the soundtrack that is my life, safe & sound is where I am at.

Peace & Goodness to you readers,

xo

-Miss D.

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