..black..

I can’t write well anymore. I think I might be sick. Like mentally ill, sick.

There really isn’t much else I can do to explain this dark place I live. I’d give anything to quit my job, I have been feeling this way for a while I know but I can’t live the lie anymore. Who am I to be leading kids in this Catholic faith when my own faith is non existent? I just want to run away and escape. I want to leave the church and all it’s rules and just start over somewhere else. My kids were the one thing that held me to this life over the last decade and now even they are fading away and out of my life. I am drowning in despair and I can’t find my way out. I am so completely lost.

I am sorry if this is depressing you. You shouldn’t read on. I’ve thought more today about what life would be like with out me around – no more back and forth for my kids no drama from me always wanting their attention. No more loneliness no more fake happy bullshit.

I don’t know how to make this stop. I cry all the time and am desperately lonely.

I am going to take some medication tonight. Nothing that will take me out of this world permanently but something to make me stop thinking for a while.

I am lonely. I am unwanted. I hurt. I am failing at life. There are so many people absolutely desperate to live – yet I am surrounded by people that don’t want me and I have to feel it all – it makes me not want to live. I am wasting this gift and that makes me feel guilty. It makes me just want to end it. This suffocating darkness these thoughts that are so loud in my head. It’s scares me. I used to think it was spiritual battle. Thats such a made up world of fiction. The devil doesn’t talk to people – if I hear him it’s because I am crazy. I’ve been denying this for so long, but I think it might be true. What if I am crazy?

It’s my parents now that anker me. They would be so sad if I died. I can’t do it. I would hurt them too much and they are good people. I wish my Mom would come visit me. I don’t want to call her though. I don’t want her to know I am crying again.

How did I get here. I have been talking to Dh with way more frequency. I started to trust him again – that was a mistake. I let this illusion that we would some how find a way to be at peace completely take over my mind – and now when he hurts me again I suffer all over again open and raw and completely vulnerable. How did this even happen. Why can’t I stand up to him. He is still controlling so much of my life and I let him. He doesn’t even try – I am so focused on him that I am ruining my own self. I have no real friends, I have pushed everyone away with my walls. I have hurt those that tried to get close to me – I don’t even know why. I recognize something that is sick – I want Dh to love me. I want him to want me back. Its so pathetic. He has hurt me more than is imaginable yet here I am so pathetic. I want my family back that much. I would give anything to go back to my stupid decision and take it back. I don’t care how badly he treated me – I want to go back and I want my family back. I can’t live with out them. I have been existing and not even very well. It’s such a waste of a life to merely exist.

I was in the most beautiful place in the world today – I just laid there for an hour being still and quiet. It was warm. I was still sad but it wasn’t as bad for a moment. Then I came down. I am missing the Vigil Mass tonight I can’t even imagine sitting there for 2 hours. I am such a horrible person. A complete fraud. I am a horrible mother for being such a wreck all the time. I mean who can’t make friends? Who depends on their kids for company? Who is as pitiful as me? It’s pathetic. I am ruining everything with being so stupid and dramatic no wonder my kids don’t want anything to do with me.

I can’t breathe.

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Please God make all of this stop.

It’s DD’s 13th Birthday. I miss her.

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