The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. Butit ain’t about how hard you hit, it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done!
– Rocky Balboa
I haven’t written in a while, I’ve been thinking about it – but I don’t know – it’s been more than a little bit busy around here. Work stuff, personal stuff. It’s been more than a little bit exhausting. You know that big thing, that thing that I was extremely hopeful about – it’s gone. I was wrong. I can see that I was wrong but honestly I don’t really want to face it. The inevitability of it. It’s sort of weird because externally not a thing has changed. Internally though I have been to the moon and back. Where I need to go and where I am now – are miles apart and to be honest it’s like one step forward three back every damn day. That’s primarily why I am exhausted I think. That and the driving. My drive is killing me. I hate it.
Anyway. I am sure there will be opinions on this – but I don’t even care. It’s what I wanted but now after looking at the reality of the situation I am coming to terms with the realization that my ex husband is never going to change and deep down I think that man really does hate me. I had been thinking for the last eight or nine months that if I just prayed hard enough and consistently enough he would come around. I thought in my little happy place that we would some how work though all the crap and find our way back together.
I hate being divorced. I really, truly do. I hate spending time apart from my kids and especially over the last year with both of them moving into his house. Maybe I have been not thinking clearly, it’s pretty obvious that I would do anything for them. After the crazy incident while I was in Vancouver the events that followed were like a whirlwind. Gosh. I don’t even know what came over me – other than I was thinking this would solve my problems. My kids would be back with me, I wouldn’t have to worry about the pressure of dating, getting divorced, the annulment.. We had been talking. He’s such a great liar though, I could see that he was in fact still lying to me. Many times. Even now, when we have been separated for such a long time, and he really has nothing to lose. It’s just so freaking disappointing. I am so disappointed in him. He’s a social path – am a pretty sure and I feel sorry for him. I started talking to him pretty much right after I found out that he had started having girls sleep over and was taking my daughter to sleep at their houses as well.
I had this internal conversation – I could just sit back and let him self destruct. OR I could step in and try one last time to maybe see if we could find some common ground. At first he seemed genuine but obviously he is only out for number one and I could see he was just messing with me. He and I are so vastly different. We have different morals, different goals, different ideas about what life is all about. I don’t fit into his world and he doesn’t fit into mine.
It’s the most frustrating thing in the universe.
He is so classically a wolf in sheep’s skin.
I don’t even feel consoled at all by my faith. It’s gotten me though the toughest times in the past but this year it’s almost as if I am loosing even that. I have been praying about this along time. I think though, I need to stop. I recognize now, I am too alone in this broken journey. I want some traveling companions. I want to let someone in to see this real me. This broken, lost, hurt me. So when I stumble they can say “Here friend, let me help you up.” Maybe I am not meant to be with anyone romantically – it doesn’t mean I can’t have a good friend or two.
I think I am at that point that’s possibly a bit self destructive but also really freeing. I really don’t give a *&%# anymore what anyone thinks. I am done trying to please anyone. Even my parents/friends/coworkers/kids. I just don’t have it in me anymore.
I don’t have a good job, which is not for lack of effort trying to secure one. My family situation is a mess. My body is falling apart. However, guess what? I am a good person. I care about things that matter. I am not materialistic. I don’t judge anyone. So today on my first day off… I am going to put into practice this gratitude for simplicity.
Thats all for today, I am going for a walk in the woods.