..black..

I can’t write well anymore. I think I might be sick. Like mentally ill, sick.

There really isn’t much else I can do to explain this dark place I live. I’d give anything to quit my job, I have been feeling this way for a while I know but I can’t live the lie anymore. Who am I to be leading kids in this Catholic faith when my own faith is non existent? I just want to run away and escape. I want to leave the church and all it’s rules and just start over somewhere else. My kids were the one thing that held me to this life over the last decade and now even they are fading away and out of my life. I am drowning in despair and I can’t find my way out. I am so completely lost.

I am sorry if this is depressing you. You shouldn’t read on. I’ve thought more today about what life would be like with out me around – no more back and forth for my kids no drama from me always wanting their attention. No more loneliness no more fake happy bullshit.

I don’t know how to make this stop. I cry all the time and am desperately lonely.

I am going to take some medication tonight. Nothing that will take me out of this world permanently but something to make me stop thinking for a while.

I am lonely. I am unwanted. I hurt. I am failing at life. There are so many people absolutely desperate to live – yet I am surrounded by people that don’t want me and I have to feel it all – it makes me not want to live. I am wasting this gift and that makes me feel guilty. It makes me just want to end it. This suffocating darkness these thoughts that are so loud in my head. It’s scares me. I used to think it was spiritual battle. Thats such a made up world of fiction. The devil doesn’t talk to people – if I hear him it’s because I am crazy. I’ve been denying this for so long, but I think it might be true. What if I am crazy?

It’s my parents now that anker me. They would be so sad if I died. I can’t do it. I would hurt them too much and they are good people. I wish my Mom would come visit me. I don’t want to call her though. I don’t want her to know I am crying again.

How did I get here. I have been talking to Dh with way more frequency. I started to trust him again – that was a mistake. I let this illusion that we would some how find a way to be at peace completely take over my mind – and now when he hurts me again I suffer all over again open and raw and completely vulnerable. How did this even happen. Why can’t I stand up to him. He is still controlling so much of my life and I let him. He doesn’t even try – I am so focused on him that I am ruining my own self. I have no real friends, I have pushed everyone away with my walls. I have hurt those that tried to get close to me – I don’t even know why. I recognize something that is sick – I want Dh to love me. I want him to want me back. Its so pathetic. He has hurt me more than is imaginable yet here I am so pathetic. I want my family back that much. I would give anything to go back to my stupid decision and take it back. I don’t care how badly he treated me – I want to go back and I want my family back. I can’t live with out them. I have been existing and not even very well. It’s such a waste of a life to merely exist.

I was in the most beautiful place in the world today – I just laid there for an hour being still and quiet. It was warm. I was still sad but it wasn’t as bad for a moment. Then I came down. I am missing the Vigil Mass tonight I can’t even imagine sitting there for 2 hours. I am such a horrible person. A complete fraud. I am a horrible mother for being such a wreck all the time. I mean who can’t make friends? Who depends on their kids for company? Who is as pitiful as me? It’s pathetic. I am ruining everything with being so stupid and dramatic no wonder my kids don’t want anything to do with me.

I can’t breathe.

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Please God make all of this stop.

It’s DD’s 13th Birthday. I miss her.

..direction..

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We hardly ever realize that we can cut anything out of our lives, anytime, in the blink of an eye.

Cherokee Trail Of Tears

All of us, whether or not we are warriors, have a cubic centimeter of chance that pops out in front of our eyes from time to time. The difference between an average man and a warrior is that the warrior is aware of this, and one of his tasks is to be alert, deliberately waiting, so that when his cubic centimeter pops out he has the necessary speed, the prowess, to pick it up.

-Carlos Castaneda

..walkin in the woods one day..

It’s always around this time of year that I start singing that song in my head, it’s really inevitable, don’t ask me why.. I’m just weird like that.

Here is the real song, I in my head exchange woods with ‘Park’ but hey it’s my song I can sing it how I like ūüėČ

You all should check out the rest of this guys channel he is uber talented!

So yesterday I went for a little walk in the woods to clear by head and ended up near a extremely rushing river. It was roaring. LOUD.

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I sat and watched it for a while I was noticing the intricacies, like how the gallons and gallons of water raced rushing over the rocks, around a huge tree stump, flowing this way and that with this amazing frenzied force. It was rather remarkable.

I closed my eyes and prayed.

I know some conservative catholics frown upon this – but guess what, if you can’t recognize God in the splendour of His creation..

… well let’s just say I feel fortunate to have that gift. I am not, nor do I ever worship ‘creation’ no, not at all – I was simply recognizing my place in the presence of the Creator in His creation. This is all His.

That’s it, It’s much easier to converse there in some remote place, in a place that is silent – no people sounds… only creation sounds.¬†Out in the woods all alone or really any quite place in nature it’s just like the whole world disappears and it’s just me and God. Soul soothing.¬†Nature Therapy I call it.¬†

¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬†I need to judge every singe event of my life by this measure… Destiny.

Each situation, every drama, tragedy and my reaction to them, every choice, every joy, every occasion, must be measured in this way.. will this moment bring me closer to Christ and to Heaven or further away from it.

Jesus is the Way

Never mind about the world, the only measure of your life that matters is mine. Turn away from sin and follow me. In each moment, discern only Me. Your destiny is the only thing that has worth, it is the time now to live. Live your life moment by moment. You don’t need a map, you need only a compass.

It was so loud.

As much as that was really specific and I listened, openly. It wasn’t until I was sitting in Mass yesterday listening to the readings that I was really struck, and quite frankly really affirmed.

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Second reading Philippians 3:8-14 ©

I believe nothing can happen that will outweigh the supreme advantage of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For him I have accepted the loss of everything, and I look on everything as so much rubbish if only I can have Christ and be given a place in him. I am no longer trying for perfection by my own efforts, the perfection that comes from the Law, but I want only the perfection that comes through faith in Christ, and is from God and based on faith. All I want is to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and to share his sufferings by reproducing the pattern of his death. That is the way I can hope to take my place in the resurrection of the dead. Not that I have become perfect yet: I have not yet won, but I am still running, trying to capture the prize for which Christ Jesus captured me. I can assure you my brothers, I am far from thinking that I have already won. All I can say is that I forget the past and I strain ahead for what is still to come; I am racing for the finish, for the prize to which God calls us upwards to receive in Christ Jesus.

I took this from the site Universalis. Is it just me, or do you see a connection too?

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So this is what I am taking away from this experience.

I am ¬†going to work on being more attentive to Christ in the little things, the minute by minute things that go on in my life. Rather than carrying the weight of the world and all it’s ¬†expectation I am simply going to look to Christ in my decisions. I will let go of my need to carry the map – but simply hold on to my compass. I know my “North” and that is all that is needed of me, follow North and I will be free ‚̧

 Thanks for reading,

-Miss D.