..catalyst..

They say, all great changes are preceded by chaos… Well one thing is for sure I am changing. The last 18 months of my life have been absolutely CHAOTIC. It’s like now, everything I have held on to for the last few years and taken as integral is just no longer that important. It feels very selfish and honestly I don’t really love who I am these days.

Wait. That’s not true – let me clarify.

I DO like who I am – but I feel like I shouldn’t because I don’t think those people that are currently in my life right now – will.

I have been thinking about two things, my very lack of vision for my life. The fact that I simply can not seem to create a long term goal for myself that I am passionate about – and the fact that I really don’t even care. I want what I want right now – and good enough.

See what I mean? Who is this person?

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What am I even doing anymore? – I have no idea. At all.

I sort of want to want, what I want for a while and be damned anyone that judges me. No more anything beyond this one day radius. It seems anti christian to think this way. Speaking of judging too, *I* am my own worst judge of all anyway. I can’t live like this anymore.

I hope whatever this is – doesn’t hurt too bad in the end. I hope that I am still moving forward even if I can’t see or feel any direction at the moment.

I heard this quote yesterday:

When you lose interest in something, you must always consider the possibility that you’ve gotten what you came for, you have completed your mission. That is why you lose interest. Not because you’re flawed or lazy or unable to focus, but because you are finished – Barbara Sher

I really don’t know anything about her – nor about her work but that quote some how gives me permission to exhale. Like so what, I’m done. Let’s move on.

I need a little break from complicated. So I am taking one.

I’m going to pick up my son for lunch, then I am going to go for a walk through one of my favourite trails. Then I may paint for a bit this afternoon. What ever I decide to do – I am taking a mental brake. I’m done worrying about the future, about my lack of important plans and especially about “supposed” to anything.

Here is a new song I just discovered yesterday, I love it!

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