.. It’s over ..

I have never wanted to disappear more than I do today. Dh has won. There is nothing left to fight for anymore. I was so hopeful that things were finally turning around. He is just like this huge dark force. It’s over. I just deactivated my fb account. I am quitting my job when I get back and am going to go on government assistance until I can get a job in PA.

I can’t figure out another option. He says I’m irresponsible and unreliable and selfish. He doesn’t want them with me anymore during the week. Dh’s has caused so much drama, that the kids want nothing to do with me. I can’t let them go, I just can’t. I feel like I’m going to be sick.

If the kids ever want to come over which I really doubt they will now – I can be home.

I am working right now, I took some high school kids to a concert in Vancouver – I’m just chaperoning so I didn’t make the arrangements.

Well there was a mess up and we didn’t make the the ferry & well Dh pounced on this opportunity of me not making it home tonight to tear me to shreds. Who am I even kidding. I’m so alone. I don’t have any help. I can’t survive him anymore, I give up. He has taken my whole world and I just can’t fight anymore. It’s just over.

Dh has made my own flesh and blood not want anything to do with me. This is just too much for one person.

Where are you God?

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3 thoughts on “.. It’s over ..

Add yours

  1. This might sound a bit trite – so I apologize in advance – but a good friend of mine (a mentor if you will) told me that God is always on time . . . We’re the ones that are impatient. It sounds like you are hurting and I wish I could say something that would remove the pain. Obviously, I don’t have that power. My own experience is that there is very little I have control over, except two things – my attitude and relationship with God (like you, my relationship with God is shaky at times and my attitude can go south in a New York minute). My point being that only I can interfere or diminish either.

    I hope you feel better Miss D.

    1. Thank you for the encouraging words, truly. You know I so often treat this blog as a personal place to cry out. It’s usually less destructive than yelling or crying in RL. But it’s easy to forget that a few people actually read it. (Kind of embarrassing after a night like the one I experienced yesterday) Oh well. Sic Vita Est. I am really working on those two things, trust in God and recognizing what I have power over. (Mainly only my reactions) It’s hard though, really hard. Hope is just non existent in my world. I’m bloody drowning in the variables, in the things I can’t control. It’s draining.

      1. Try to hang in there. For me, it’s all about expectations – I try to limit them and then I don’t get disappointed. I will pray that you get a break from the chaos in your life.

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