..heavy heart.. (bit of a rant)


Well. I don’t really know where to begin. I don’t really feel like writing but I think it’s becoming important again to be diligent in my documentation of life as I know it.

Tonight I came home, to town in order to take Dd to archery. No big deal it’s kind of our thing. I love it too. She is so amazing. Love that girl. Ahhhhh I am getting off topic. Tonight she brought along a friend, this boy that she has been best friends with for years. He’s a good kid too. Anyway normally Dh takes her and then I meet them there, and then I take her home because he has somewhere to go on Thursday nights. I am sure it’s related to the ‘gang’ he hangs out with – lol but that’s a post for another day.

Today he texted me to see if I could drive both ways. I said sure. Then as  joke I said “Want me to keep the kids over night, so you can properly ‘enjoy’ your Valentines??” – trust me I really don’t care what or who he does. I was simply being funny. He said, “yeah whatever the kids want to do.”

Okay – first flag. He has been fighting me tooth and nail so that the kids don’t spend the nights here during the week and now all of a sudden, that’s what he says?

Second flag: yesterday Ds called me at about 9am and said that his dad woke up late and left with out him so he needed a ride to school? That was weird. Why would Dh leave Ds to sleep and never wake him, or tell him he’s leaving? Dh always drives Ds to school. Very strange.

Tonight: third flag – Dd couldn’t reach Dh. No cell phone on. He wasn’t at home either when she arrived home (LATE) Archery ended at about 9:15 by the time we drove her friend home it was nearly 10 pm. (He lives pretty far away)

Forth flag: On the weekend something happened to Ds. Dh asked me to take the kids, obviously I would – I usually do on the weekend. He actually tried to say things to be about how the kids never want to come over, he can’t force them to like me, he never has problems with them, they LOVE hanging out with him, blah, blah, blah. I kind of just cut him off. My kids and I talk about that all the time, they don’t have any idea why he does that – but both have said “Ignore him mom, you know he’s lying just trying to piss you off and hurt your feelings” I’m good about it now. Thankfully.

Well a little while after Ds arrived (Dd was at a sleep over) Ds realized he forgot his XBox controller so back we went to their house…

Can you imagine what happened while Ds showed up unannounced? Busted. Walked in on Dh entertaining a lady friend. Awkward or what!

Well – whatever right? We’re legally separated – he doesn’t care about God or an annulment or anything – he can do what he likes. Thats all fine except he lied to Ds about what he was doing. I found out after that – Dh made up a story to get rid if Ds… ouch right!?! Ds’s feelings were kind of hurt. I didn’t say anything as usual but I did let him vent.

Ds told me about the drama that has been going on over at the house between dh’s ex girlfriend and this new girlfriend and them. What a mess. That old one (that actually I didn’t mind because she was extremely nice to Dd & Ds has just royally gotten the shaft. I remember a few weeks ago Ds mentioned that, that ex girlfriend had come over in the middle of the night freaking out at Dh about everything. Wow. LOL talk about history repeating itself.. I found out about an affair Dh was having in that exact say manor.. Brutal.

Now this new one is over all the time staying for dinner and what not.

Tonight Dd kinda broke down. Earlier in the night she asked what would happen if she moved back in with me? She wanted to know if we’d still stay here. I said yes of course. (I meant it too) I love it here. But when we got home so late and Dh wasn’t home still Dd confided in me everything thats really been going on. Apparently Dh has has been having his girlfriend sleeping over every night. Dd is really quite uncomfortable with it. She has been mentioning that she and her dad aren’t really getting along and that he’s been pretty harsh. Tonight she told me she thought it would be better if she didn’t talk at all – since all he wants her to say is Yes, Dad.. No, Dad.. nothing that is her own – since as she put it “that would be giving him attitude“. My God, nothing changes. He uses the exact same words STILL. Lord help them. Have mercy.

Dd and grandma don’t get along anymore. She’s left along and put down a lot. It’s just getting bad over there. They are feeling pretty hurt.

I had such a hard time listening. I get it. I really get it. THAT IS WHY I LEFT HIM. He makes you feel like you can’t do anything right, ever! Holy Christ, she is 12 years old. You can’t spoil her for two years to try and win her away from her mother and then when you succeed you move on to something else and leave her in the dust! WTF?!

Even Ds told me that the other night – all the things his Dad did to try and “keep Dd”.

I knew it was a messed up situation but I trusted dh to put the best interest of his kids first at all times, you know?! That’s really not happening anymore. As much as I try to keep looking to the positives, it’s not going all that well anymore. The lies are finally catching up to Dh.

Well I guess the icing on the cake is this… So about this new girlfriend – Dd told me she is 16 years younger than Dh. Funny thing – Dh lies about his age. He tells everyone that he is 36 but actually this year he’ll be 39. LOL So in fact what does that make him? 19 years older than her. Ewwww. Whatever to each their own but dd doesn’t like her at all. She told me that new girlfriend is like a barbie from Jersey shore and an alcoholic. All she wants to do is party. Dd told me that she’s not really very mature, and that she REALLY acts young. This is coming from a 12 year old. What can I say? Nothing. What can I do? Nothing, nothing but pray!

Just to make things more difficult. Because that’s the way things are I guess. For the second pay period in a row my office screwed up my pay check. They didn’t submit my hours for the second time. My office hours I mean. So tomorrow is pay day and I am getting $806. That’s got to cover gas, all my utilities, insurance, food, house insurance, band instrument rental, my car payment, the 180 my mom lent me from last week when they didn’t pay me, bank fees and my phone bill. Well. This will be fun. :/

How am I ever going to save up for a lawyer when I can’t even cover my bills each month. I can’t cover my bills when they DO submit my hours I mean my check in only increased by 200 – 300 hundred but frick what else can I bloody do? I have been looking high and low for a job.

I still won’t be employed here, the priest still won’t talk to me because of the stupid drama with the diocese last year. I still wish I know what the heck was said about me that could have ruined my reputation so badly? I just have no idea how to survive all this.

I have a speeding ticket that needs to be paid that I got because I stayed home to help Ds with something which made me late for work so for once in my bloody life I was speeding and got busted. I always drive about 20 -30 km under the limit to conserve gas.. but not that day.

I am pretty much giving up summer sem. I never did hand in my homework. I am thinking it’s probably too late now. I kept thinking that I would write them and ask if I could submit it when I had the money but I have never manage to scrape together the $40 a course to do that. It’s sitting completed and has been since like 3 or 4 days after it was due in Dec but well – we all know what went on in Dec. I feel so bad for my office, it’s very shameful. But I can never ever repay that – I don’t even know who to talk to to try and submit my assignments.

I have been applying everywhere here in town, even Walmart. Nada. Nobody seems to want anyone that has been exclusively employed by the church.

Well I feel quite ranted out. I hope my babies (aka teenagers) are doing okay. I pray so hard for them. I don’t know what else to do. I think I am ready for sleep. If you read though this – I salute you!

Blessings,  Miss D.


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