So I am sitting here this morning listing to Johann Bach and reflecting upon a pretty heavy conversation I had last night about the “reStart” I am facing in my personal life.
As you know, if you read my blog with any regularity that I have had a rough year. I sort of keep feeling bad about that, guilty even like I am doing something wrong by not being “exuberantly happy” all the time.
That could be a byproduct of my vocation as a youth minister – I am “ON” pretty consistently, as it’s seems to be the way, inspiring, guiding, firing up.. I love it actually. It’s truly exhausting and I love it.
Who doesn’t love a mountain top? I love them all!
Physical ones like above, but also spiritual ones and emotional ones too. I’m a mountain junkie & I’m working on it. Or I think it would be more accurate to say, God is working on me through it.
Listen to this… (listen really before you go on)
So, here is what I think; taking into an account my experience in the last year.
I left a terrible marriage, against all odds. Leaving an abusive situation is courageous. I never really stopped to think about that very much over the last few years until now.
I remember having a conversation with myself (I think I was writing) the first summer… post separation, I wrote about how I was recognizing that I was previously living believing a lie. Actually many, many lies. Lies about who I was, who I could be, what I was made of, my worth, my ability to be loved and to succeed or in the case of the lie – fail and lastly and most consistently how I was weak. (definitely too weak to leave my husband)
But. I did it. I left him. I took nothing with me. I had nothing going for me externally. I could not yet see a future. I left on faith alone.
Crazy maybe? I don’t think so.
I spent two years pretty much living on extremes. It was a time of adrenaline. Constant adrenaline. I was still very scared of him – with good reason. He threatened my life on more than one occasion. I was pulling this new life together, with constant difficultly. It was like fight or flight all the time – and I am a fighter so that’s what I did. I got a job, a house and worked like a crazy person trying to restore balance in an unbalanced situation. Slowly I became a bit healthier and relaxed. It was progress. I saw it as progress anyways.
It’s funny how life is too. I finally came to a point where I felt like I was able to catch my breath and obviously in hind site I wasn’t ready, I hadn’t dealt with any of the deep issues that I needed to sort out – but in a way I wanted to pretend I was normal and my situation was normal and yeah that actually back fired with gusto.
So there I am – forced back into fight or flight – still fighting. That’s really how I spent all of last year. I kind of lost myself in the fight and in the process my faith started to crumble. It didn’t really – now I can sort of see it as a process of tempering…
Everything that could go wrong, has.
Life as I knew it is no more.
Everything that I thought I knew, down to the very most basic things in my life the parts that I have always identified my self with have been stripped away. Part of me asks God how can this be? I was angry with Him. I felt like He was taking it all away from me. I stood so many times in front of the tabernacle DOUBTING.
Are you really there? Am I all alone? What does any of this even mean? Why don’t I fit in to the world? Why do I always seem a step apart? Over and over and over.. am I talking to my self here?
It’s just too hard.
Well you know what’s happened over the final three months here. Epic battle for my soul.
All of this has come to light. Truths are making themselves known. Yes – so many of them in truly excruciating ways. Yet look at Job for a second, look at many of the saints, look at most of the old testament, look at anyone in our modern world that has really achieved something? No one! And I have searched there is not one person that is going to tell you that this life is easy.
Truth: It’s filled with disappointments and chaos. That’s the reality.
My truth isn’t really all that different that anyone else’s. Only in my story there have been some pretty colossal setbacks. So starting again, now is reality. Not having all the answers is okay. Feeling tired and down – byproduct of the trauma of the last year – kids moving out, me moving away from my family again, driving three hours a day just to get to work, doing a job I detest simply to get a pay check (obviously not the YM, but my work in the office sitting at a desk while not using my brain at all) not having quite enough money for the extras therefor living with out them, all the consistent drama that Dh still brings into my life – its a huge effort these days simply to survive.
So I guess when you look at it objectively – who the hell wouldn’t be a little sad living carrying all of that!
Here is where it changes though. Last night’s conversation reminded me – yes despite all the the crap I have lived though over the last 15 years – it’s not the end and it’s not definitive. That doesn’t define me. I realistically must start again, again.
It’s time again to be open to the spirit – to allow the healing process to recommence. To uncover the things that are still burdening my heart. To trust again, or maybe to trust finally.
The Journey and the Promise.
I have lived the last year filled with doubt and sadness for the things I perceived to be loosing. This year – I feel God is calling me to himself. Those 4000 promises are for me too. I am going to live this coming year with the awareness that God DOES exist and not only that He does but that I am made for sooo much more than this world can offer me. It’s time that I trusted HIS plan for my life. Again I repeat to myself, it’s okay that I don’t fit in. I’m not supposed to!
He know’s my heart, every fibre of it. He won’t will anything for me that won’t be truly satisfying in the end. God is Love.
So someone once told me while in a time of discernment try living out the situation as if you have made your choice, for a period of time live as if you have chosen a. Then chose b. for then next period of time. Compare and Contrast – which way felt more aligned with your heart?
So this year I am choosing plan b. I am going to live my life in such a way that I will leave no room for my previous doubts.
It’s not going to be easy, smooth or calm but Sic Vita Est.
Argg the tiredness though – is tough.
I am going to research some ways to get my body our of this crazy state of adrenal distress. Stress is so hard on many, many things. I don’t want to permanently damage myself. I’m too important to not care for with intentionality!
Head up, Stay strong, Fake a smile & Move on!