..praise Him..

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Just stop what ever you are doing and praise Him with me.

I met a man who walked on water
Who wore His crown like a blue collar
I met a man who treated children
Like they were ambassadors to the Kingdom
If I saw the world in Your eyes
Would it help me understand?
How You see through all our lies
Still You hold us in Your hand
I’m dying to believe
I’m trying just to show
That we’re less than perfect
More than flesh and bone
People climbing trees to catch sight of You
Broken and blind searching for the truth
We’re crippled by our fears and torments
Oh, Son of man, have pity on Your servants
If I saw the world in Your eyes
Would it help me understand?
How You see through all our lies
Still You hold us in Your hand
I’m dying to believe
I’m trying just to show
That we’re less than perfect
More than flesh and bone
I wander and I want
Squander the riches of Your love
It’s never enough for me
Oh, take this poverty and nail it to this tree
And all that’s captive shall go free, I’m free
And if I saw the world in Your eyes
Would it help me understand?
That You see through all our lies
Still You hold us in Your hand
I’m dying to believe
I’m rising just to show
That we’re less than perfect
Yeah, we’re less than perfect
That we’re less than perfect
More than flesh and bone
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..catalyst..

They say, all great changes are preceded by chaos… Well one thing is for sure I am changing. The last 18 months of my life have been absolutely CHAOTIC. It’s like now, everything I have held on to for the last few years and taken as integral is just no longer that important. It feels very selfish and honestly I don’t really love who I am these days.

Wait. That’s not true – let me clarify.

I DO like who I am – but I feel like I shouldn’t because I don’t think those people that are currently in my life right now – will.

I have been thinking about two things, my very lack of vision for my life. The fact that I simply can not seem to create a long term goal for myself that I am passionate about – and the fact that I really don’t even care. I want what I want right now – and good enough.

See what I mean? Who is this person?

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What am I even doing anymore? – I have no idea. At all.

I sort of want to want, what I want for a while and be damned anyone that judges me. No more anything beyond this one day radius. It seems anti christian to think this way. Speaking of judging too, *I* am my own worst judge of all anyway. I can’t live like this anymore.

I hope whatever this is – doesn’t hurt too bad in the end. I hope that I am still moving forward even if I can’t see or feel any direction at the moment.

I heard this quote yesterday:

When you lose interest in something, you must always consider the possibility that you’ve gotten what you came for, you have completed your mission. That is why you lose interest. Not because you’re flawed or lazy or unable to focus, but because you are finished – Barbara Sher

I really don’t know anything about her – nor about her work but that quote some how gives me permission to exhale. Like so what, I’m done. Let’s move on.

I need a little break from complicated. So I am taking one.

I’m going to pick up my son for lunch, then I am going to go for a walk through one of my favourite trails. Then I may paint for a bit this afternoon. What ever I decide to do – I am taking a mental brake. I’m done worrying about the future, about my lack of important plans and especially about “supposed” to anything.

Here is a new song I just discovered yesterday, I love it!

..morning light..

 Perspective.

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Haven’t written in a few days, obviously. I thought about it but gosh I’ve been tired. (again)

I think – the key to solving this is proactivity. At least the physical side of the way I have been feeling. Small steps. Physically, Emotionally, Spiritually. I am working on all three but hey, one thing at a time. I went to see a Homeopathic doctor this week – I was at first considering some sort of sleep remedy since that does seem to be increasing the problems around me – nobody can function as an insomniac. It’s been so long now I forget what sleeping long and full feels like. After thinking about it – and having a good chat – we’re going to try something else first. My body seems to be in adrenal fatigue. I knew that already from my GP.

Here is the plan. Nutrition & Exercise.

LOL Obviously NOT rocket science. However – gonna keep it simple. I’ve added Evening Primrose to my supplements and a really good quality multi vitamin which contains a heavy dose of B vitamins.

So there is that. Vitamins are subtle they take a very long time to ‘help’ but that’s okay as long as I am slowly repairing my body, rebuilding my immune system and cleansing my stressed out body, that’s all I am aiming for.

Aside from the vitamins, I am going to try to eat better. I tend to not eat, then binge from starvation on anything I have on hard. Luckily I don’t buy a lot of processed food or junk or this problem could be a whole lot worse. Still though, my body is very out of whack. I need to formally feed it – with regularity and care.

Lastly, walking. No matter what else I do or don’t do – I am committing to walking 20-30 mins each day simply for my mental health. In order to perpetuate this I am changing my attire for the next while. I will commit to wearing yoga pants, leggings or something easy to immediately go – and runners. Yes, Runners. No more boots for a bit. Ugh. LOL. This will hopefully lead to a more random selection of short walks. Ready always… all I need to do is GO.

There you have it. My plan.

We’ll see.

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Imagine.

I live in a world of expectation. I always have. It’s a very, very hard habit to break, dreaming about a better way, tomorrow. It’s not life giving thinking like that. In fact I think it’s actually life draining.

I’ve had this song stuck in my head for a few days by a local band called Mother Mother.

“I’m getting on a mountain, away from the people on the ground and
Some cop sticking up my wagon
Chop chop we gonna build a cabin, up top on a pretty little mountain
Fuck off all you people on the ground, ya!”

This makes me smile. I sing this sometimes when I am looking down from some view, somewhere, over something. Empowerment 😛 No not really, but it does feel good to break out of the box a little and just let off some steam.

I need to figure out some strategy to survive this new place I am in – emotionally. My Ex’s GF – the same one that Dd was calling a Jersey Shore, alcoholic party girl a week ago is now texting Dd and being all buddy, buddy. Ugh. That doesn’t cut deep or anything… Friggin rights it does. My Dd all of a sudden really likes her – which I suspect has something to do with the fact that Dh’s GF has a couple of very cute cats and DD has been promised one of her own. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

She hardly wants to talk to me but Fun GF is cool and her friend now.

Like how the heck do I navigate that?

Heart break. 

Well. I am glad things have simmered down at least for now between Dh and I – fighting with him is brutal. The very next day after I got home from Vancouver – both kids didn’t come over so I decided not to sit around wallowing, I left and went hiking.

See my post about it here. By the time I got home, I felt a 1000 times better and Dh was calling me up all chatty, chatty inviting me to go for a bike ride with him and the kids…? Seriously WTF? Hot & Cold.

I want to talk to him actually. If we are going to be sharing the kids, living in the same town and having to interact – he can’t keep pulling bullshit drama like that. I really don’t care that he has a girlfriend or that they sleep together in the same house as my kids. It’s him that’s made his bed – so to speak (no pun intended). As long as his girlfriends are good to my kids, well let him handle the emotional side of his dramatic love life. I don’t care. BUT I do care that he freaks out at my kids for talking to me – so much so that now I am back to square one with Dd. She is cold and detached. THAT actually wounds me. I hate it. She’s my baby. My girl and she isn’t even yet 13. Gosh, right?!

Again though, deep breath. I can’t do anything accept be here, be loving, be kind, be open, be available, be consistent, be non judgemental & wait. DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY. I MUST NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY. (It’s really hard though) (REALLY HARD)

Anyway.

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Some positives.

I have applied for two more jobs. I am not quitting everything, I’m a fighter (although, a dramatic one at times…) so I’ll keep fighting for something to come along.. I have made it this far in my life against a whole lot of odds, what’s one more thing??

I’ve been thinking about Youth Ministry a bit lately. When I was really going for it – I think I presumed that I would be moving up – I think I would be far better suited for a Diocesan sort of position. It’s where my skills are better honed but now with the succession of circumstances and choices through this past year it’s apparent that I won’t be moving up anywhere. I am kinda stuck here.

Stuck is suffocating.

I am sort of ready for a break.

I need a job. Not a career, not a rewarding, stress filled position that is making the world a better place.. just a job that will pay my bills and at the end of the day, I am done. When I clock out- I really do clock out. In five years I have no idea where I will be, who I will be or where I will want to go but for right now – regardless of the heart break – I need to stay close to my kids and work on finding happy moments. I am ready to build a relationship of my own. I don’t want pressure or an agenda. Just someone to talk to and share with.

I am not settling, I am not in a rush, I am just a girl in the world.. I want someone in my life that makes me a better person, and that will allow me to do the same for them. I want to lift people up – not drag them down with negativity. I want to trust and be trusted. I want to smile more often then I frown, I want to laugh and feel comfortable laughing. I want someone that balances me out – that is confident enough to handle ME! I want to adventure, that’s what I love to do the very most – I want someone who’s love of adventure matches my own. I want to find someone that is absolutely passionate about life. I need that kind of a person.

I may never find “this person” – maybe he doesn’t even exist but guess what – I believe in fate. Maybe the exact right person will walk in and help me to believe that really truly, expectation isn’t living… I am okay with surprises. I trust God, He knows what He is doing. I believe In divine providence and while I am focusing on healing, and loving me again and finding my way in this new state in life (peacefully) when I am ready, God will place him into my life. Until that day, I am going to be grateful for all the other blessings in my life. My great friends. My family. My new nephew. My environment. My comfortable home that is a slice of peace. My artistic ability, my creative mind, my love of simple things, nature, adventure, and the many blues of the earth.. ocean, sky and twilight….

Ahh. I am really going to be okay. Sic Vita Est.

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and in the meantime…

Happy Saturday Readers ❤

– Miss D.