I wish I was there, up there in that picture sitting on the sea shore – well I wish I was really anywhere but here…
I am not tired, yet I’m exhausted. I really don’t like that feeling. It’s exhausting in itself.
I thought I would try writing for a while and see if that unknotted my brain and maybe soothed my soul a little bit. I think I am just feeling sort of lonely. Maybe. I don’t know.
I heard a really good homily today. Father said something that really hit me. I really am a very black and white thinker and sometimes I just really wish someone would simply say to me; “You know what? It’s going to be okay. You are fine. You really are going to be okay. Everything you feel – it’s normal. Everything that is going on – well that’s the way it’s supposed to be, don’t worry. It’s going to be okay.” Why won’t someone say that?
Why do people always assume I am so strong. I’m NOT. I am hanging on by a thread most days. I can’t pull myself up. I’m trying my very, very hardest to make it. I hate this weakness in me. It’s too hard. I don’t fit in. I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere.
That statement brings me back to the homily.
Father was talking about to spirit of the world, and the spirit of God. Those of us that are baptized are done so in the spirit of Christ. Yet everyone of us – every single one of us that lives and breathes is subjected to both. It’s so easy to be swept up by the spirit of the world. Often when that becomes your reality, “church” becomes a place where you don’t exactly “fit”. It’s becomes a place to full-fill obligation but it’s not really your comfortable ‘home’. Then he said those that live by the spirit of God feel something different, they never really seem to fit in to the world. And then he said the thing that felt like he was talking just to me. He said, “YOU AREN’T SUPPOSED TO FIT IN.” It’s okay that you don’t. You aren’t meant to be here but for a short while. Something greater is waiting for you and your heart knows it. It won’t be contented, those that are called – and we all are by our baptisms – as we become sons and daughters of Christ – we are given this gift, this difficult, and trying gift, and we won’t ever truly fit into the world. *Exhale* So there is me thinking, finally, someone said it. The thing that I have been thinking for years. I don’t fit in here and that’s OKAY.
I can’t sin without it ripping my heart in two. That’s not a normal thing I don’t think – people sin all the time? People do what they like and live their own truth and they survive fairly well? No wracking guilt – no crushing despair in being separated from God! So why does that always happen to me? I have been wondering this? It’s like there is no choice for me… I know that’s not logical. It’s just such and I mean SUCH a burden so much so that I just cannot be separated from God. Look at the mess I make, trying to be ‘normal’. I hurt good unsuspecting people. I feel really badly and that’s not my intention truly. I didn’t know it would be like that.
The Father said it simply today, I can’t do it – because I am just not of this world. I am a child of God. As we all are – but I personally am starting to think there is something different about me. I am chosen. I am loved and wanted. I have lived this horrendously sinful life but some howout of my crazy existence He has plucked me up and called me. Daughter. Daughter. Daughter. I love you. As you are. I made you. I love you. Come to me…
I don’t think I’ve ever written about it – but that’s what I heard in front of the tabernacle at the cathedral… just days after my confirmation – at my god – daughters rite of election.
I screamed NOOOOOOOOOO.
Yet after a sublime series of things & a few years – here I am.
This is not an easy undertaking in todays world. It’s incredibly isolating. I don’t have much in common with many people in my life and that makes it hard to see the positive in choosing this. I can’t get out of this funk I am in. I can’t stop dwelling on this great unknown in front of me and the fact that I have no freaking idea what the hell is going on in my life anymore. It’s stressing me the hell out.
I thought of something today. This is a very, very weird thing to think maybe – but It came to me during Mass.
I wish I had a gay catholic guy friend. Someone that truly was living his faith – because if he was gay, catholic and living his faith he’d have to be living a chaste life. That way we could have something is common. This inability to “do what we like”. Me being separated from my husband – but not annulled I can not date or be in a relationship with another man since that would be forsaking my vow. He too wouldn’t be able to be in a relationship because he’s be attracted to someone that he couldn’t ever marry in the church.
That way for sure he wouldn’t be interested in me sexually. So I wouldn’t have to worry about any complications to do with that. It would be great!
I would have someone to attend things with that required a date – and we could possibly be good friends with out any worry of any sexual anything messing it up. Perfect solution. No?
You reader, may think this is insane. Maybe even a little bit offensive. I am not sorry though. Sex outside of marriage isn’t allowed in my religion, I understand 100% church teaching and even can agree to the reasoning behind it. Marriage is an unbreakable covenant – usually. Sex with out the fear of the world is possibly beautiful – not something I know for sure of course since my ex-husband never even once chose to be faithful to me in our 14 years together. That really, truly sucks. What a douche bag of a guy. However I digress. Regardless of what the world says I am still married according to the church – that’s just not something I am willing to compromise there for I will live this chaste life until such a time that I can be annulled.
But gosh, it would be nice to have a guy friend to hang out with sometimes – one that I could trust not to try and sleep with me – because I am a 30ish incredibly healthy, completely passionate woman. That’s not like it’s always easy to make good choices – so that’s why I thought Gay. Ha, problem solved.
Anyway this is a weird train of thought I know. I want someone to be mine I guess. I miss having someone to talk too lately. I ‘d like to have a person that knows me inside out and loves me for me and understands my faith and loves God as much as I do. I have lots of great people in my life. I am fortunate but the reality is no one really knows me – not totally. My faith is a HUGE part of my life & that is almost hard to explain openly. It’s frightening to people that aren’t christian – and weird sometimes even to those that love me – it’s just that they can not understand something bonding me to moral choices when sometimes it’s clearly not something that I want to be doing. IE not dating, coming in from camping trips to go to Mass, making time to pray, not eating certain things on certain days, not swearing, not enjoying my own body on command, as I wish.. lots of things I guess.
I still have no idea if I am called to religious life. Sometimes I am so sure yes; then other times I am so sure no.
I think the growth I am experiencing after the last two months is this… I need to be even more true to me than I was before. I need to live my life externally so that it matches my life internally. No matter what those around me think…
I also think I need to get an annulment. I am finally sure about that one. Thanks be to God.
That’s going to be a task that I am very, very afraid to undertake.
Tomorrow is the anniversary of my separation. Something I learned in my time of trial over the last two months – DH still controls my life.
Truth: He’s not supposed to be my husband, he is not the man for me. We made a mistake in getting married, I would have loved him – but I was so in denial that I overlooked the evil that clothes him.
I deserve someone better than him. I deserve someone that values me. Exactly as I am and cherishes all the little things that make up my intricate self. I don’t like to think of people in terms of value – one person being better than another but in this case – I know I don’t deserve a husband that can’t stop lying, that cheats and abuses and is controlling and flat out mean. I do NOT deserve that.
If that one that I am meant for is walking here on earth, I know when the time is right God will put him in my path and if I am meant to serve God as HIS bride – then that man, DH still doesn’t get to keep his claim over me. He doesn’t deserve to be my husband. He is using our divorce as a means of control – he lies too much about everything and he still scares the spirit right out of me. God has far greater things in store for me that any of that. I am getting a divorce. I don’t know how yet. Money is definitely a problem – hiring a lawyer is going to be expensive but some how I am going to get away from him once and for all.
I don’t yet know how I am going to achieve getting away from him once and for all, but I do know that its what I really want. I have tried to see the good in him time and time again over the last 3 years. Actually probably I was doing in for the 14 previous to that as well. And he fails me – every. single. time. I am done.
Edited to add: I can’t stand the way DH sends me text messages trying to make it seem like my kids don’t like me, want anything to do with me, are lying to me… yada yada. I am so freaking sick of the BS I can’t even tell you. He acts like this lamb but he is and always will be a bloody wolf.
I’m such a complex emotional person. LOL. But Sic Vita Est.
I think I can sleep now.
Good Night ~