This video reminded me of something today. I am not even sure how I got from there to here in my brain but here is where I am.
I am the sum of my parts, yes. But I am not defined by my choices, no.
I can be many things.
Life really isn’t all or nothing. It’s impregnated with GREY.
I have SUCH a hard time with that. I am such an incredibly black & white thinker – it’s always all or nothing and never can I let things just be and unfold naturally. I’m either a saint or a sinner.
How crazy is that?
Something one of my friends said to me yesterday morning is sitting with me still. It’s funny how after endless agonizing over a problem someone can randomly say something that quite simply unlocks you.
She said, “You didn’t choose this, this situation is not your choice. Don’t worry about what others think of you in this – you have done all that you can to make this situation right, and you can’t control others, nor their actions. It’s not your fault that you are stuck here – it comes down to something that is beyond your control – so there is now nothing left for you to do, Just be here.”
Well. After all the going around and around with all of this. I kinda just sat back and went, Huh. That’s true.
So today, in putting this into practice – I recognized that probably God is merciful and kind and above all a loving just God. I probably won’t get stuck down for being human. This is the truth that is important right now.
And who knows, I could very well be worrying over absolutely nothing. I may have already been burned by natural consequences. I’m not abundantly experienced in these sorts of situations but this does seem to be playing out in very typical to what I expected fashion.
Whatever happens, this is true. I can work just as selflessly, tirelessly for a cause far greater than I today, just as much as any other day. I am not different in these last few decision because of the decisions. I am who I have always been. First things first, true – but circumstances really do matter.
So as I go back to work, I am doing so with grateful heart. I am human. I am weak. I am also very, very strong in HIS love. I will continue to be, me.
Oh and just a note: His love in my experience is the only one I can truly count on. Cop out? Maybe, but that’s just me. #broken #wounded #messy #needy #forgetful But guess what? I learn best doing things the hard way. Sometimes unfortunately doing them the hard way a few times. #stubborn Hopefully the silver lining will be this – Acknowledgement of my own weaknesses, and recognition of the parts of me that need to be reconciled. Wow. My heart is hurting a little bit.
Next time – I will be more confidently prepared for the head space all of this requires.
And if I am not, “Don’t worry about what others think of you in this – Just be here.”