Well It’s Christmas Eve, Eve, Eve. -I think.
I don’t even really know what day it is. All I know is that today like that of the last 6 have passed by in a blur. Who am I kidding, not 6 days, 6 months. Let see where was I exactly 6 months ago? June 22? I guess in between here & here.
I am not even sure what’s going on anymore. Depression maybe. I was feeling so heavy hearted like this before the opportunity to go to NCCYM opened up – then I focused on that a bit and I felt better. Sure. Afterwards I was in such a frenzy that well here I am. It’s Christmas time and I don’t really feel Christmasy at all. I feel out of touch and unsettled and honestly it’s a really hard place for me to be. I feel extremely alone.
I am so mad at my self right now. Ashamed too. Ive done something in my selfish carelessness that honestly is pulling me up very, very short right now. I forgot about something really, really important today. I was so interested in just getting through today, waking up enough out of my blue mood, acting out all that parts, the wrapping, the decorating, the joy of the season that I actually forgot totally about what day it was and what commitments I might have had. Ugh. Why am I so damn exhausted.
I’ve been reading again. It’s like a little bit of escapism. It’s how I have been coping lately, you don’t need to feel empty or lonely when you are somewhere else. For me the last few days I have been in 17th century Scotland. I am loving that at least.
Existing. There is something truly negligent about existing merely to be. I feel that’s a waste of Life. Life is a gift, every new day is a new gift. Why can’t I live like that is true. I certainly don’t want to die. Why then is it so hard to be in the present. Gosh. I am so lost.
Routine helps. So much. I have had a really hard time establishing that since moving here. Everything is just always crazy. Or if not crazy than I am faced with a weird nothingness that I can’t seem to navigate well. I am retreating into a shell. How to break free though of that? When I moved back I told my kids I was moving back because I had such a good life here and that I was totally happy to do it. And I told my family that no matter what even if I never saw them again, I would still be glad to be back. Of course I said that. I love my kids and want to be near them. I miss them when they are at their dads and I am working. I miss them when I am here and they are not. I AM thankful that I seized the opportunity to be near them. I am lonely though. I haven’t really rekindled any friendships I guess mostly because I am in such a sporadic place. No proper schedule and gone half the week. It’s not really an easy time for me these days.
So here we are. I am complaining and that’s pretty sad – because I know, I REALLY know that the only one that can change me – is me. The only one that can change my life and make it one I really am accepting of and passionate about is me. Yet something broke last year – or maybe it was the year before. I lost my fight somewhere.
I’ve lost my muchness.
I think I leave this sad little post as is for tonight. I hope tomorrow is better.
I have always thought of Christmas time, when it has come round, as a good time; a kind, forgiving, charitable time; the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys. ~Charles Dickens