I have been in my head a little bit too much lately. It’s funny I just can’t seem to get my feet planted and it’s actually really starting to bother me. I have been in this house for a few months now – yet I don’t yet feel it’s a settled place. I go to work and do what I do and actually of all the craziness that does seem to be the one thing in my life I am sure of. Go Figure.
My kids are here but as visitors. I am struggling deeply with that. It doesn’t help that DH throws his jabs at any opportunity he gets… Little things, he likes to point out that kids and I have no relationship, that they don’t ever want to see me, that I have no idea what’s going on in their lives and my priorities aren’t in order. None of that is true by the way.
I moved here precisely for my kids, to be nearer to them. I drive three hours in my work day so I can be here to have dinner with them and visit for a few hours. I gave up a very good job opportunity so that I could stay near them. I couldn’t bare being farther away from either one of them. As they are of age – neither I nor the courts have a say in where they live. Last year was horrible. It was non – stop stress. I felt so bad for my kids having to endure the insanity. It may very well just be easier on them – to live there with him. In any case I think he leaves them alone somewhat – no more one zillion questions or guilt trips.. at least not about that anyway.
I was fed up the other day, I did something I rarely do – I talked to them about some of these allegations. I talk to them about a lot of things but I really don’t ever want to talk about their Dad, especially not in a negative way. It’s pointless, counter productive and honestly I just don’t want to put them in that spot. Dh knows this. I think he uses that knowledge too.. but that’s post for another day.
So about our talk, I wanted to check in and see where they are at. How they were doing emotionally, how they were handling this new living arrangement. I was wondering if maybe in some small way, DH might have been telling the truth?? If there was something that they felt was not working, I just wanted to have a conversation and I really wanted to emphasize this was to be non pressured dialogue.
Incredibly, thankfully, they replied in a way that I secretly had hoped and with no malice or discomfort they shared their thoughts. I felt peace. They enjoy coming here and feel that it’s a bit of a sanctuary because It’s a peaceful place.
Dh and I are so incredibly different we are like night n’ day as parents and as adult role models. I am just going to keep doing what I do – loving them unconditionally. Intentionally being there to meet them in their needs. It might not be homework or daily life problems any more and I’ll be honest I miss that but now it’s evolving into something else. We are developing a new relationship. It’s one based on us as individuals. I am learning who they are evolving into as teenagers and they are learning who I am as a woman, as well as their Mom.
Who am I though, really? I am procrastinating doing a ton more homework that is actually due in about 24 hours. I am bored with pretty much everything these days. I am tired. I am sad and even though I hate to admit it – I am incredibly lonely.
I think that’s one of the reasons I like work so much, I am so secure in my identity in my work – I’m a youth minister. I give it my all. I love and believe in it with my whole heart. I feel like I am living a purposeful life. I have this intense relationship with my Lord. I feel like His daughter, it feels loving like that – close like I really truly belong there.
That might be something too. That in itself. Maybe I am starting to experience a call – to be even more committed to a life of Christ. I have always said for quite a while now, years really all I could see my self being out side of a mother is a missionary. I sort of think that in a very slow and round about way, this is the plan. Yet sometimes I feel so contented in that – and other times I feel like I do right now – lonely and wracked with an empty longing.
Okay I am going to type something out – I guess more for my self to help process this tangle of thought. LOL Not that anyone actually reads this blog anymore since I am such an infrequent poster.
Dh and I are still married. Confession time. We spent two years in court – he wasted more time and money than is fathomable and after all of that – he got everything he wanted. What did I get? A legal separation and a kitchen table. It’s so beyond unfair that all I can do it look at it with a penitents heart and humbly accept that like most of the more horrific things I have experienced in my life – I am just to be quiet and cling to the cross to get through it.
It has taken me quite awhile to find the peace here, obviously I am not a saint, not even close. I had a supreme court hearing – it was all said and done. Divorse was finished and finalized, should have been done that day – he had everything – all the material things, not even did he have to pay alimony and he only had a very tiny pledge for child support. What did he do? – although he knew about the hearing for 6 months he chose to obtain legal council only 3 days before the hearing and because of that – his lawyer got it all turned around on account that “they” didn’t like the language my lawyer used in some of the terms. The Judge told his lawyer to correct it and have it right back on his desk immediately and then we would be granted a desk divorce because it has already been several years of legal separation – but as you might of guessed – his lawyer didn’t do anything. They held on to the document for another 4 months.
I gave up.
I fired my weasel of a lawyer – for not even trying to fight and gave up.
So technically I am still married. (although, I am legally separated)
Okay. Here’s my conversation with God. We are absolutely eligible for an annulment – at the time we were married he openly admits that he didn’t want to get married, he was physically abusive and that actually is what ended our marriage in the and he was compulsively cheating on me – for over ten years. That’s a horrible marriage and I still have a hard time finding any saving grace there. (other than my two children and my character that is tough as nails most of the time) Suffering has a way of doing that to you, building character and all that.
But in the very, very same breath. I hate being divorced. I just deeply don’t believe in it. I am so unhappy about the situation with my children – that’s unnatural to me – not having my own babies under my roof all the time. That I am not there to nurture them any time – physically not just over a text message or a phone call. It’s so frustrating. And then what about this – am I not supposed to be saving Dh’s soul? I think so often about St Monica. She prayed and prayed for her tyrant of a husband. How is my situation any different?
I sometimes question my self and wonder if I did the right thing? For me – yes, I sure did. I know it. God was with me one hundred percent of the time. Healing me, guiding me, directing me to things – things not of this world but greater things, heavenly things. The opportunities I have been given are so vast, I am humbled to the core.
So here we are – I come back to this over and over.
What if I am not meant to be divorced from him, just separated for my own safely but for all intents and purposed I should still be obedient to my marriage vows. My covenant was real and true. When I gave my fiat – even though I hardly understood God at all I meant it..
Can I do that? Can I give up any hope of marital happiness to be faithful forever? To a man that despises me. He does, and I am sorry for him so trapped in his hate, but he does with his whole person, he hates me.
I thought I saw glimmers, glimmers of a possibility and as fast as it came it disappeared. I heard a story of a couple that were separated for nine years and then got back together and are now missionaries together with their adult children grown and moved away. Can you imagine how that story gave me hope. What’s five years against 65 more, against growing old together? Oh how I want him to turn his life to Jesus. So much, I don’t think there is anything I want more.
Reality though. Patience never was one of my best qualities. Thinking like that makes the sting hurt so much more too. His insults and lies and manipulations now – I don’t feel them as badly when I let go of that hope.
I am alone all the time. I am ill equipped to develop a new life – I am tired to even try. When my children aren’t here and I am not working I don’t even know what to do with myself..
Work on that – you might say? But where to even start. It’s not so easy this thing we call life. I can’t help but sometimes get into a mournful mood and recognize that my life has been a bit sad. I have had far more pain in my years than joy and even still I don’t pity my life. I am thankful for the cross. In a way it helps me live. I know where I am when I’m here. It’s comfortable – lonely yes but safe too.
Part of me feels like I am on the edge of a deep abyss. I could so easily step off the ledge and just let my self fall. Be here. Be in a place that is good enough. Just be. I can just accept the way things are and that’s it. Life goes on. No fireworks, no illusions, no happy endings. Just a thorough stretch of steady steps. Is that the secret? It that just the way it is? Am I just so romantically inclined that I still believe in happy endings? It that so wrong though, or maybe wrong isn’t the word. Am I delusional to hold out such a hope for my life. I want to jump and run – I want to grab my life and never let go. I want to be overflowing with joy and excitement and self!
I think like St Joseph I need to be quiet awhile. He was so powerful yet he hardly ever said any words. I think this little Social Media Hiatus is just what is needed. Quietly. Pondering the things that are. I hope that I am gifted with a sign – If I am meant to give up on DH I need a sign. If I am meant to endure this I pray for perseverance and peace of heart. If I am meant to go in another direction completely – I beg for an opportunity, If I am meant to stay here and just be – then I hope for someone new to come into my life.
Even Jesus didn’t travel alone..