… a new day…


No one can go back, but everyone can go forward.
And tomorrow, when the sun rises, all you have to say to yourselves is:
I am going to think of this day as the first day of my life.

I will look on the members of my family with surprise and amazement, glad to discover that they are by my side, silently sharing tha little understood thing called love.

I will pass a beggar, who will ask me for money.
I might give it to him or I might walk past thinking that he will only spend it on drink, and as I do, I will hear his insults and know that it is simply his way of communicating with me.

I will pass someone trying to destroy a bridge.
I might try to stop him or I might realise that he is doing it because he has no one waiting for him on the other side and this is his way of trying to fend off his own loneliness.

Instead of noting down things I’m unlikely to forget, I will write a poem.
Even if I have never written one before and even if I never do so again, I will at least know that I once had the courage to put my feelings into words.

I will keep smiling, because it pleases me to know that people think I am mad. My smile is my way of saying: ‘You can destroy my body, but not my soul.’

If it’s sunny tomorrow, I want to look at the sun properly for the first time. If it’s cloudy, I want to watch to see in which direction the clouds are going. I always think that I don’t have time or don’t pay enough attention.

Tomorrow, though, I will concentrate on the direction taken by the clouds or on the sun’s rays and the shadows they create.
Above my head exists a sky about which all humanity, over thousands of years, has woven a series of reasonable explanations.

Well, I will forget everything I learned about the stars and they will be transformed once more into angels or children or whatever I feel like believing at that moment.

I want to fill my life with fantasy again, because an angry god is far stranger, far more frightening and far more interesting than a phenomenon explained by the sages.

For the first time, I will smile without feeling guilty, because joy is not a sin. For the first time, I will avoid anything that makes me suffer, because suffering is not a virtue.

I am living this day as if it were my first and, while it lasts, I will discover things that I did not even know were there.

Even though I have walked past the same places countless times before and said ‘Good morning’ to the same people, today’s ‘Good morning’ will be different. It will not be a mere polite formula, but a form of blessing.

And if I’m alone when the night falls, I will go over to window, look up at the sky and feel certain that loneliness is a lie, because the Universe is there to keep me company.

And then I will have lived each hour of my day as if it were a constant surprise to me, to this ‘I’, who was not created by my father or my mother or by school, but by everything I have experienced up until now, and which I suddenly forgot in order to discover it all anew.

And even if this is to be my last day on Earth, I will enjoy it to the full, because I will live it with the innocence of a child, as if I were doing everything for the first time.



…the silver-lining…


Here we are again, at resolution time. Everyone makes them, some people file them quietly away in their own hearts, do better, try harder… while others are loud and flagrant about it – I. WILL. ACCOMPLISH. X. Hear me ROAR!!

What do these resolution enthusiasts have in common do you think?

Here’s a hint, 1 month. Okay, that wasn’t a hint it was the answer. One Month.

On average most people give up, GIVE UP, their desire to accomplish X after one short month. My Gosh, that is reaking sad.

So. If you have been with me awhile, you will have noticed this past year has been a tad dreadful. Ha. Let’s cut the bollox. This last year has been the very worst of my own short life and let me tell ya, that’s saying something.

However, I am pretty clearly able to see the silver-lining, that is the flip side to this awful down trodden year – and guess what folks. It’s ME.

Who am I? I have asked it one thousand times of my self. Well. Here I am. I come from a blood line of woman that were adventures and stubborn and passionate and above anything else – strong. Hearts, Heads & Bodies. Strong.

I have learned with definitive clarity what I am made of.

Mairidh Mi

From the long look inside my self, choices upon choices, to this point today. It is very, very clear that I can formally say with clarity and honour – Mairidh mi. I WILL endure.

So here we are – resolution time again. To be honest I am not really one for resolutions – but I am one definitely for closure. In order that I might have closure from this last year – I am stepping forward not just timidly hoping that this next year might be better than the last, oh no. This year WILL be better than the last because I shall see it so. 

I am embarking on a personal challenge. It is called 12×12. The Box that has held me prisoner for such a time that I had to turn inward to face the things that were upon my heart – now my dear readers that box is going to be securely and strategically broken down and recycled for some other unsuspecting soul to journey with – for I am HERE and let me LIVE!


The premise:

Each month I will focus upon one task that will irrevocably challenge me, scare me, push me, or force me to break the bonds of my 12×12 box.

Each month, I will rise and concur and in the rising and concurring of the challenges I will most securely harden the new self which is… me. Years have gone by, living with identity of Mother, of Wife, of Youth Minister, of whatever… but even though – those identities are most securely a part of me – there is ME too. What is it that makes me really FEEL ALIVE? What brings me passion, and exhilaration? For that is the part of me that the box was enclosing in this last year – it’s been a dull sheltered sad existence – feeling that in losing those parts of me – or what I conceived to be losing – that I had also lost self. That was really my box I think.

Simply not true though. It’s been rather, evolution.

I haven’t marked out each task just yet (I have only a rough idea) as things may change or new challenges may arise spontaneously and I may choose to challenge in areas that I haven’t yet thought of – but here goes..


2013 12×12 Challenge

January: Polar Bear Swim.

Here are some Ideas…

The Great Walk

Mud, Run, Ride

Hike the Mt Kusim

White Water Rafting, In the Fraser River.

Bungy Jumping, (I’m mean pitching your self of a perfectly good bridge, Scary as Hell!!)

Grouse Mountain Grind.

Hike Cape Scott

Momar Adventure Race

Kayaking through the Broken Islands

Run in Central Park

Run a 10k

I am very open to ideas, do you have an Eco Adventure Tour Business? Pitch me your adventure and my friends and I will “Be Challenged”

2013 is going to be AMAZING!!


Your Box may not necessarily be the same as mine, maybe you need to grow in other areas – spiritually, mentally or whatever. For me the box contained my physical self – and that is what I plan to break free – but I challenge you think about the areas that are stunted and dark – which box would you like to break free of and be challenged with me!!

I am going to create a page – HERE. It’s going to be a running journal of the insight and triumphs that I experience as I go along through this next year. I would love to hear from you, if you choose to go for it to. Post about your own experiences and joys as you emerge from the 12×12 that was containing you.

This here is my favourite Pinterest board – it’s filled with things that remind me of my muchness!

Peace & Love,

Miss D.

..holiday blur..

Well It’s Christmas Eve, Eve, Eve.  -I think.

I don’t even really know what day it is. All I know is that today like that of the last 6 have passed by in a blur. Who am I kidding, not 6 days, 6 months. Let see where was I exactly 6 months ago? June 22? I guess in between here & here.

I am not even sure what’s going on anymore. Depression maybe. I was feeling so heavy hearted like this before the opportunity to go to NCCYM opened up – then I focused on that a bit and I felt better. Sure. Afterwards I was in such a frenzy that well here I am. It’s Christmas time and I don’t really feel Christmasy at all. I feel out of touch and unsettled and honestly it’s a really hard place for me to be. I feel extremely alone.

I am so mad at my self right now. Ashamed too. Ive done something in my selfish carelessness that honestly is pulling me up very, very short right now. I forgot about something really, really important today. I was so interested in just getting through today, waking up enough out of my blue mood, acting out all that parts, the wrapping, the decorating, the joy of the season that I actually forgot totally about what day it was and what commitments I might have had. Ugh. Why am I so damn exhausted.

I’ve been reading again. It’s like a little bit of escapism. It’s how I have been coping lately, you don’t need to feel empty or lonely when you are somewhere else. For me the last few days I have been in 17th century Scotland. I am loving that at least.

Existing. There is something truly negligent about existing merely to be. I feel that’s a waste of Life. Life is a gift, every new day is a new gift. Why can’t I live like that is true. I certainly don’t want to die. Why then is it so hard to be in the present. Gosh. I am so lost.


Routine helps. So much. I have had a really hard time establishing that since moving here. Everything is just always crazy. Or if not crazy than I am faced with a weird nothingness that I can’t seem to navigate well. I am retreating into a shell. How to break free though of that? When I moved back I told my kids I was moving back because I had such a good life here and that I was totally happy to do it. And I told my family that no matter what even if I never saw them again, I would still be glad to be back. Of course I said that. I love my kids and want to be near them. I miss them when they are at their dads and I am working. I miss them when I am here and they are not. I AM thankful that I seized the opportunity to be near them. I am lonely though. I haven’t really rekindled any friendships I guess mostly because I am in such a sporadic place. No proper schedule and gone half the week. It’s not really an easy time for me these days.

So here we are. I am complaining and that’s pretty sad – because I know, I REALLY know that the only one that can change me – is me. The only one that can change my life and make it one I really am accepting of and passionate about is me. Yet something broke last year – or maybe it was the year before. I lost my fight somewhere.

I’ve lost my muchness.

I think I leave this sad little post as is for tonight. I hope tomorrow is better.

I have always thought of Christmas time, when it has come round, as a good time; a kind, forgiving, charitable time; the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys.  ~Charles Dickens