..madness & desire..

I was out walking earlier today, it was pouring. I don’t mean raining or raining hard, I mean POURING. Despite it’s rather chilly exterior and the fact that I was getting a little wet – I love the rain. I love walking in it.

During my walk, I was pretty consistently deep in thought. It’s what I do. I walk and I marvel. I walk and feel the rain. I walk and I surmise my nothingness, exalting the Creator of this world. I walk and I think about my muscles. I walk and I wonder about my life. I walk and I dream. I listen to music so loud that the whole physical world around me is drowned out – I no longer see the cars or the people or the buildings I just see projections of myself reflected back at me in the cement and mortar and medal that I pass by.

I was thinking about writing. I love writing usually but lately – more than lately, to be truthful I have been struggling to write for a while. It’s been a few years of this. I suppose around the time of my divorce – or a few months afterwards all of a sudden my creativity sort of became stagnant and I was on this new path. I was on a crazy new path that had many, many, many turns and corners and dead ends. It has brought me here.

I read two things this afternoon that really hit me as I was try to untangle in my head.

This is from an article on Mila Kunis.

Mila said: ‘What I do and who I am are two different things. And they always will be. 
Cover girl: Mila features in Esquire
Cover girl: Mila featured in Esquire
‘What happens with people is they lose sight of who they are, and they become either who they want to be or who they are perceived to be. But whatever it is, it is no longer who they are. 
‘So much of who you are in this industry is based on what that critic says, what that director says, what that actor says. 
‘People start believing all that, and they become what everybody else wants them to be. 
‘And I think that I’ve consciously separated my two lives.’

So this girl, this celebrity is clearing talking about a living duality that she faces as an actress, a famous actress that people watch constantly. Yet – I am this random girl and I get it. I don’t have millions of people watching me, true but I do have a conscience.

Pay attention around 1:54.

Duality. It’s weight that I continually bare. I may not be a random celebrity girl – but I am a random girl and I walk this path that I don’t understand at all. I hunger for satisfaction and I know – I know because I have a rational brain that this hunger I experience can not be filled with things of this world. I am here experiencing this world but always, always, always, always, always it is impossible not to notice that I don’t fit here. Not really. There by never am I truly satiated.

“What happens with people is they lose sight of who they are, and they become either who they want to be or who they are perceived to be. But whatever it is, it is no longer who they are.  So much of who you are in this LIFE is based on what that critic says, what media says, what that society social norm says. People start believing all that, and they become what everybody else wants them to be.”

Written like that – it’s true for me. Me the Random girl who marvels over all the beauty and anguish and desperation and humanity of this life.


I wonder if I am predisposed to fall irrevocably in love with the characters I spend most time with. Why is that? Habit? Comfort? I invest myself so deeply into their realms of madness/chaos/love/conquest/triumph. I can’t help it. It’s simply the way the complexity that is my brain; works. It’s so truly imaginative.

It’s why I love reading. I escape into different worlds. I escape thoroughly. I’ve been this way since I began reading novels on my own, grade two I think. First ever, Swimmer.

You always remember your first…

It’s about a boy, his dog, and the messiness of life.

Here we are some 25 years later and it is still as real to me as ever. Losing my self into the world marked down in keystrokes and ink.

I’ve lived a crazy life thus far. I’ve met the need for perseverance and trust – in a world that so many times is just plain untrustworthy.

How have I managed? Aside from my deep scottish blood – the fight that keeps me going, that runs so deep in my veins that it’s imprinted on my soul. My intuitive heart, a gift from God? Of course but also from my ancestors before me. Those that are one with the land. Respecting creation and in it the creator. I am a romantic. To the very core. I live in a world of mystery. I think this above all else is why I am so easily comforted by the characters in my books. On my pages. I believe in magic. I believe in the magic of the world. In a small way – this is my consolation for the darkness that envelopes me.

Read. Engage in the magic. I dare you to try.

Quiet the outside world for a time and let your self be free.

Insert [deep melancholic sigh].

Time to come back to the real world and carry on with my day.