..seventeen..

I am sitting on the back porch of my grandmother’s home, listening to a particularly strong wind blowing through the leaves of a line of trees behind me. Chestnut, Poplar, Birch, Maple, Spruce, Willow, repeat. It’s the poplar and birches though that always draws me in. They with their sparkly foliage, they shimmer. There is a little hummingbird scooping up the nectar from the flowers in the pots in front of me. I know him he visits every day. How am I too leave this place? It’s magic to me. Peace and kindness and stillness.

A few weeks ago now, on two separate occasions, I was told that I have the gift of discernment of sprits. I don’t agree. I think I am a very sensitive person and I am especially at times in tune with the world around me. I have learned to pay attention to my intuition. I feel things but it’s more like energy that is put off by living things, or places. That’s not a spiritual gift I don’t think it’s just a sensitivity towards the world.

Let me tell you a little story. I can’t make sense of it – in fact to me it feels like a puzzle all tangled up and I despite having all the pieces can’t put them together.

17. This is a magic number. I was here last at seventeen. My grandpa died when I was 17.  I felt the Holy Spirit first at 17. I encountered Satan first at 17. I said no to God and yes to my ex husband at 17. I had nothing but struggle and strife since I was 17. I choose a path at 17 – a path that would continue to form me into the strong, yet delicate, intricate, compassionate, caring, person I am today. I lived a life of hardship – so that I could sit here today and really truly see the world. I am so grateful for this gift that through Jesus and his unending love I can make holy and sanctified.

I have my son and daughter that I love more than anything else. They are my silver lining that comes from that marriage. All though I stumbled and choose poorly, acted erratically, become lost and sad – they – those two little beings, (well very big beings now) those two perfect humans came from that chaos and I am more grateful than I’ll ever be able to express. In fact I am so in love with them that it is overshadowing the negativity that has passed and is helping me to love my Ex selflessly. I know he isn’t good for me, but honestly I want more than anything for him to experience a conversion of heart – I want him to recognize his own longing and come to the foot of the cross to find salvation. I would like to meet him there.

Since I have spent the last 15 years in the chaos I am now just emerging and with my new existence I am moving in a different direction. Self-discovery. Who am I?

Piece by piece I am being formed. I am a mother, daughter, granddaughter, niece, sister friend – sure. That’s just the surface thought. I am learning about my deepest nature now – the why’s behind my actions. My love of nature, quite and wind, my love of beauty, art, words, my need to attentively act in justice of others suffering. It’s a whole world of newness that I am discovering.

My roots, my ancestors. Scottish highlanders, lowlanders settling here in this remote island – starting schools, and a community of hard working quiet caring settlers.  French Canadian – Metis living hundreds of years ago from the land. Is it any wonder that I am energized by the elements of the earth? It is in my blood, the ragio – the life radiating from the trees. It’s penetrates my very soul. The ocean, it’s vast blue it captures my very life essence. I am from an island and therefore it is only surrounded by water that I am at peace.  I come from wonderers, people that see the world and are moved with compassion. People that act – and love humanity.

I love my time here so far learning. This is going to be a year of discovery. Well – more like a life of discovery. I am very okay with that.

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