…i’m turning into a cynical person…

Well. I think I lost my steam. When I came into bed tonight I was frustrated and angry. It’s was directed at Facebook. I am sure however that it wasn’t actually Facebook that was egging on my anger. That was mearly the direction I took in venting. I just spent the better part of an hour unsubscribing to almost everyone on my entire friends list. Is that weird? Maybe but at least I don’t have to feel irritated or sad about reading what fabulous lives everyone else seems to have. It’s not good for me right now with everything else going on. The very last thing I need is a sour bit of lemon juice squeezed into my already flamingly painful open wounds.

Tonight – well it was just a harder than usual night. I believe there are only 13 more days until Dd moves. I am so afraid to let her go. I am so scared she is going to walk out my door and become brainwashed like her brother. He and I hardly talk at anymore. He NEVER calls, texts, messages or anything. I get a 5 to 1 response ratio to the messages I send him. It’s heartbreaking.

My silver lining in this is only one small thing. He does call if he needs something. Anything important. In trouble at home, in trouble at school he still calls. Thanks be to God.

Tonight when Dd got dropped off, Ds never even bothered to get out of the truck for a quick Hi. We live two hours away from each other. It’s so rare that we ever see each other since he doesn’t ever want to come home and he couldn’t even be bothered to say hello. My feelings were hurt. Then as my daughter was telling me all about her fabulous weekend at Dad’s she told me that Ds wrote Dh a long letter telling him how important he is to Ds and on and on. Dh even made dd take a picture of it.

Want to know what I got for Mothers Day. A text message, that said Happy Mothers Day. At the end of the day. That’s it. He wouldn’t come home even. I even offered to come to him but of course his Dad had made plans already so we couldn’t do anything.

I cried tonight. It hurt my feelings. Then to top it off, Dd asked me – Mom when I move can we have the table back?

Wow.

If I haven’t written about this before – here goes. So far since our separation nearly three years ago I’ve gotten less than 3000.00 total in support payments from him. He owns a falling contract. He paid twice at the very beginning – the first two months I think then twice last year right after he was ordered to pay in supreme court. Two months then as well. 500 each payment. That’s it.

He lives in our 4600 sq ft home. Drives a beautiful truck truck. Has our boat. Our Toy Hauler. The quads. Pretty much everything.

He wants the table. He has slowly taken everything that I care about – everything from our crucifix, the rosary from my wall and my dog. He has my son living there and now he is going to take dd too. He wrote me an email the other day that said, “You aren’t even a bad memory around here anymore.” I can’t stand it. He has all this tax debt from his company and he keeps threatening to go after me for half. It scares me but eesh guy you can’t squeeze blood out of a rock. I make about 16000.00 a year – waaaaay under the poverty line. I have been raising my daughter with no financial help. I might not have anything new but I always have food on the table and a roof over her head with a bit of extra change so she can swim in the evenings. I make it.

He’s a mean, mean man.

I heard a quote the other day by CS Lewis. I think it’s particularly summing up my feelings. My mood if you will as of late. I am becoming cynical in this world. I can’t even seem to help it.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

― C.S. LewisThe Four Loves

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