..just a moment..

You will never believe where I am writing from today.  I’ll give you a few hints. Birds are chirping, clouds are moving slowly above us, lake is rippling gently, the fire is whining quietly with the occasional out burst of spark or cackle.

I am sitting in a bay at the lake listening to my girl and two of her friends strategically planning out thier game of “Hunger Games”.

Love, love, love that, that set of books came out – we live in such an amazing area of the world. Truly what we imagine District 12 to be like.  Now being outside just became ‘cool’.

We’ve always been a pretty outdoorsy family – even now since my divorce. I would actually say even more so since then. I love that my daughter loves to be out in the woods as much as me. When we got here to our spot – she exclaimed, “Yes!! I love it here!” Like seriously that is pretty nice to hear.

We kinda just hung out and explored gathering firewood so we could make our dinner, the girls went swimming (even though it’s extraordinarily cold!) Well I think that it’s cold – then while they were swimming I made a Rad and extremely efficient fire. The wood was mostly wet as it’s been raining for days but it didn’t take too long. Part of me wanted to actually be raining so I could prove to myself and to an outdoorsy friend that I could. Ha. I have to say my fire is a beauty!

It’s hard to believe there is only a hand full of days left of school these last few months have been such a whirlwind. (Oh my gosh I wish I could bottle up their laughter and keep it for rainy days. It’s the sweetest sound.) Well even further back than the last few months this entire last six months have been crazy with change and adjustments and figuring out our lives. Now the time is coming again for more change. My little girl is going to live at her Dad’s.

You know speaking of this – Dd told me the other day that Dh has been giving her hints for a few months now of the big surprise he is promising her once she moves back home. That along with her telling me repeatedly “I need to get my priorities, Mom.” Whatever that means – she can’t explain it – that’s all she says. So I after much deliberation have decided to pursue a job, a big out of town, huge responsibility, well paying job. I feel that the timing of this position is a sign for me to carry on, to keep on keeping on. To pour my heart out into my work and continue to allow Jesus to walk with me – as I continue bringing as many wounded hearts to him as possible.

It’s scary all of this change – but what am I to do really. I don’t want to stay in CR way too much idleness there. With my kids living away fulltime who am I? I only know mothering and ministering. I’ll be fine. I always am. I will pray without ceasing for the lot. Not just my children but for DH as well. He has so much hate in his heart it makes me deeply sad. I have so much trouble with much of what he does. The whole situation is in need of a miracle.

 

On to a different topic; something happy our trip across Canada! So Ds has for surely decided that he doesn’t want to come. I am sad to hear that – he is seldom wants to see me. I really wanted him to come on this trip. Dd doesn’t mind at all that he is staying back – she feels it’s fair since last summer I took Ds to Europe and she had to stay behind. Absolutely not the same thing but I guess in her mind this trip of ours is OURS.

We are going to leave about 36 hours after I fly home from school in Saskatoon. LOL. Yeah that’s kinda crazy but our time is pressed this summer. I have a month – that’s it. We will leave bright and early and the adventuring shall begin. We are driving across Canada in what I can only hope will be an educational and incredibly fun bonding road trip. She is only 12 and still loves me so much. Who knows what will happen once she is with DH awhile. I am sort of expecting a similar situation to that which I am experiencing now with Ds. Hope not, but we will see. Brrr. Temperature has dropped a lot!

I think I better get a jacket first and start doing some homework. I will need to be submitting some things once I get into WIFI again.

What a lovely day! Thank you Lord for this amazing beauty that surrounds me!

…i’m turning into a cynical person…

Well. I think I lost my steam. When I came into bed tonight I was frustrated and angry. It’s was directed at Facebook. I am sure however that it wasn’t actually Facebook that was egging on my anger. That was mearly the direction I took in venting. I just spent the better part of an hour unsubscribing to almost everyone on my entire friends list. Is that weird? Maybe but at least I don’t have to feel irritated or sad about reading what fabulous lives everyone else seems to have. It’s not good for me right now with everything else going on. The very last thing I need is a sour bit of lemon juice squeezed into my already flamingly painful open wounds.

Tonight – well it was just a harder than usual night. I believe there are only 13 more days until Dd moves. I am so afraid to let her go. I am so scared she is going to walk out my door and become brainwashed like her brother. He and I hardly talk at anymore. He NEVER calls, texts, messages or anything. I get a 5 to 1 response ratio to the messages I send him. It’s heartbreaking.

My silver lining in this is only one small thing. He does call if he needs something. Anything important. In trouble at home, in trouble at school he still calls. Thanks be to God.

Tonight when Dd got dropped off, Ds never even bothered to get out of the truck for a quick Hi. We live two hours away from each other. It’s so rare that we ever see each other since he doesn’t ever want to come home and he couldn’t even be bothered to say hello. My feelings were hurt. Then as my daughter was telling me all about her fabulous weekend at Dad’s she told me that Ds wrote Dh a long letter telling him how important he is to Ds and on and on. Dh even made dd take a picture of it.

Want to know what I got for Mothers Day. A text message, that said Happy Mothers Day. At the end of the day. That’s it. He wouldn’t come home even. I even offered to come to him but of course his Dad had made plans already so we couldn’t do anything.

I cried tonight. It hurt my feelings. Then to top it off, Dd asked me – Mom when I move can we have the table back?

Wow.

If I haven’t written about this before – here goes. So far since our separation nearly three years ago I’ve gotten less than 3000.00 total in support payments from him. He owns a falling contract. He paid twice at the very beginning – the first two months I think then twice last year right after he was ordered to pay in supreme court. Two months then as well. 500 each payment. That’s it.

He lives in our 4600 sq ft home. Drives a beautiful truck truck. Has our boat. Our Toy Hauler. The quads. Pretty much everything.

He wants the table. He has slowly taken everything that I care about – everything from our crucifix, the rosary from my wall and my dog. He has my son living there and now he is going to take dd too. He wrote me an email the other day that said, “You aren’t even a bad memory around here anymore.” I can’t stand it. He has all this tax debt from his company and he keeps threatening to go after me for half. It scares me but eesh guy you can’t squeeze blood out of a rock. I make about 16000.00 a year – waaaaay under the poverty line. I have been raising my daughter with no financial help. I might not have anything new but I always have food on the table and a roof over her head with a bit of extra change so she can swim in the evenings. I make it.

He’s a mean, mean man.

I heard a quote the other day by CS Lewis. I think it’s particularly summing up my feelings. My mood if you will as of late. I am becoming cynical in this world. I can’t even seem to help it.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

― C.S. LewisThe Four Loves