Well I have to say – yesterday was one for the books. At least in terms of Dh and his crazy lies. I think maybe it might be helpful to back up to the beginning of the weekend to explain properly.
I’ve had a lot going on lately, hence the infrequent posts. Packing, getting ready to move, moving, a retreat, a huge fundraiser that I was facilitating and then hosting two boys for the weekend while they were attending a football camp. I’ll write a bit about that in a second.
The move went particularly smooth – it was sunny but not too hot and we were able to get everything in two trips. By the time I picked up the boys from football camp it was all done. What a relief all that left me to do was to assemble this place back into a liveable shape.
I was in between courses having just finished off the last course on prayer and not yet starting on Sacramental Theology.. 5 days to literally catch up and then to slow down. In the end I get everything done that I needed too and ended up having a fantastic visit with my son and his friend who came along to the camp. I got to spend Sunday watching them play football and loved every single second of it.
I read a few books, and by a few I mean I read four books in five days!! I know that’s a bit crazy but each night the boys were so tired from the camp that they went to bed really early which left me hours and hours of quiet time and since I had no homework I chose to do something totally for me!! I first finished the book I had started earlier in the week – The Lucky One. It’s a Nicholas Sparks.. I know pretty cheesy stuff but when you are me and all you read is stuffy dry textbooks a little brain fluff now and again is pretty nice! Then… well. What. Can. I. Say. I bit into the pop culture craze that is known as the HUNGER GAMES.
Holy Batman! I read each book start to finish in one sitting each. I do read exceptionally fast, yes it’s true but quite literally I devoured them finishing the very last one in the weeeeeee hours of the morning Sunday night. I didn’t sleep in on Monday as much as I would have liked haha but talk about a great set of books. I loved them. Creative and compelling! I felt so drawn into this realism of humanity that challenged me to think about my own reactions in terms of self sacrifice and survival. WOW. Even a few days later it’s hard to let go of the characters.
You might be wondering what this has to do with DH? In fact nothing, nothing at all. It’s just to me the more interesting and exciting thing to talk right now about was news of the weekend. What happened with Dh is no different than anything that ever happens with him. Drama.
I think it was Sunday night – the boys were sleeping and I randomly got an email. It was from him – with a picture attached. Since I always share pictures with him of the kids if he is missing something I thought he was doing the same. Umm no. He sent me a picture of Dd with a NOSE RING. Oh my gosh I think my heart actually skipped a beat. Two days prior – Dd told me on the phone, “Dad says I can have a nose ring!!” I told her – I don’t think so, you’re too young. I thought even through he does pretty much everything and anything to spite me – even he would be sensible about this.
When I saw the picture, on so many levels I was instantly mad. She is only 12. She didn’t speak to me about it. She has about a thousand hours of dance rehearsals and performances coming up all that enforce no jewellery and just arrrgg. Why would he do that with out telling me first, after he KNOWS that I don’t approve. I checked with him when we got her ears pierced last year and that wasn’t even a big deal – this! THIS IS A BIG DEAL.
Well what could I do? Nothing. So I phoned a friend and we bashed Dh a little bit – highlight some of the ways we think he is a jerk. Haha. I calmed down and looked at the reality of the situation. Beyond it being incredibly disrespectful on his part going over my head, there really isn’t anything I can do about it. In the grand scheme of things having a nose ring right now will come with it’s own consequences due to the dance recital. In the bigger picture – it’s a nose ring – thank god not a tattoo or something that would have lasting permanent damage.
Exhale. No body ever said parenting teens would be easy.
So that night at our regularly scheduled FaceTime call – I took a breath prayed for strength and smiled. What else could I do?
When she picked up it wasn’t her. In fact it was Dh. He didn’t say one thing just that she was down stairs and would be right back and then kinda tried to make small talk. I was like – what an idiot. He was expecting me to be very mad.
When Dd came to the phone she was covering her face with a pillow and acting all funny. A bit scared that I was going to be mad and a bit.. haha you can’t believe what I just did. So After a few minutes of her over acting this silly way – I cut to the chase and flat our asked her in my usual tone – ‘Why are you covering your face? Are you trying to hide your piercing? I thought you would be more excited about showing me? I told her – I had one when I was a teenager.’ SMILE. ‘She dropped the pillow all betrayed and was like – How did you know!!!! Why aren’t you mad?? Dad said you were going to freak out?‘ – So I asked, ‘Why would I – I was just thinking it might be hard for you with dance – it’s not the best timing but it’s you that will have to deal with the pain so what should I say? It’s not that big of a deal.’ All very calmly. Then she said – well since you are NOT mad can I PLEASE get one Mom!!! This one isn’t real! – OKAY that shocked me. I covered my shock and replied that we would talk about it after dance season is over… Then she said how did you know Mom? So I told her about the picture – that her dad had sent it to me earlier. She asked her Dad who was apparently right beside her but off camera why he did that?! She wanted to try and see if I could tell when we talked tonight… “Thanks a lot.. DAD.”
Awkward moment. He realized that he didn’t get the reaction he thought out of me by tipping me – it actually helped me deal with is better. By being tipped off I wasn’t super mad – having time to process the emotions – in fact I was pretty banal about the whole thing. Thanks be to God for some inward strength.
However with all that resolved – Dd found her self in comfortable conversation with me once again. This is a comfort level that she and I are getting accustomed too and during our conversation she accidentally let something slip. This was another shocker. He had no choice but to tell her it was okay to tell me – and if he actually thinks that it was okay to tell me – I can recognize how far off the rocker he is becoming in terms of acceptable parental behaviour. This though is a thought process for a whole other post.
So this special Daddy/Daughter weekend had an interruption. I have to include that the kids are very rarely if ever separated. They are either together at my house or together at his house but so rarely do we ever take one each. So Saturday night – Dh left dd with his mother over night so that he could attend a huge HA party in a different town – he has to drive right through my town to get there AND on top of her telling me that – she went on to tell me that he didn’t get home until 9 am that morning because he slept at the club house! HOLY HELL.
There are several obvious things wrong with this picture. Something that he said next though is what is truly bothering me. He – as if defending himself to me or to her I don’t know replied with a hearty “well I was still home at 9 am to take you shopping all day, wasn’t I??!” Really – you party all night long – and openly admit to be hanging with the HA and then think that as long as you go buy her some stuff the next day – all will be well and right with the world. Oh my gosh.
That’s not even what is bothering me, I mean it is but I pray fervently that he wasn’t using cocaine the night before. I know it wouldn’t have been totally out of his system by the next day and the way he sounded when he spoke was rough… that’s child endangerment! AND this is where my kids are going to be spending the next year. OH MY Gosh why can’t he just get his act together?
There was so much information that came out this weekend:
I heard from the kids that he has security cameras all over the house including in the bedrooms.
I heard from Ds’s friend that Ds won’t cross Dh or talk back over there because he’s afraid of Dh.
I heard that there is so much pressure to do the right thing that they can’t handle it sometimes everything has to be EXACTLY dh’s ‘way’.
Dd told me she had the best sleep of her life when dh wan’t there because she had their whole bed to herself.
Dd told me that she don’t understand why dh has the cameras all over the house – but she is thankful they are not in the bathrooms.
She told me dh told her that gramma that is living there is scary and she is afraid that if she doesn’t do what gramma wants she’ll get spanked – only if Dad’s not there though… then apparently in telling dad this – Dh told her grammas got a big bark but she is just a sweet old lady. Dd disagrees.
This is the same lady that makes Ds do all the chores and walk to the bus stop in what ever weather and go to school no matter what – sick or not because she is too crippled to do anything herself or for him.
Holy cow. I never say two words towards Dh about anything. I don’t have to – all I can do is give advice on how best to handle individual things and listen and give support. I don’t have to say anything. I just need to be strong and loving and caring and consistent and when ever they figure it all out – I will be here. If that takes years – well then I will be here loving them from afar and living my life the best I can manage.
I know my heart is pretty broken – it’s hard to fathom it ever being whole again and you know what that is just fine. I can honestly say I have done everything in my power to fight for them – now I will accept that I am at this cross road.
I will continue to trust God though I have zero control over anything going on with Dh. He is pretty crazy these days – my kids are not babies they will see just the way I did. I am going to continue putting effort in my prayer life to forgive him continually and to pray with out ceasing for his conversion.
I am going to walk – head up and follow my heart. It’s leading me pretty close to Jesus these days. It’s certainly not into the world and for that I am so, so grateful. It’s a gift truly.
I think for the first time I will be truly living in the world but absolutely not be living of it.
Tonight – I am going to make a nice dinner for K and I – she has some dance tonight as well and then we will tuck in like always – reading. We are in the middle of the first book of the Hunger Games 🙂 I love sharing stories with her!! We’re great book club members!!
Then the rest of the night will be Homework! Joy 😛 Wow this was a long post!