Well as you may have noticed my posts lately have been pretty sour. Sour is a very mild way to put it – I know.
Things have just been so hard, so messy with all the things changing all around me. If I had to put a visual onto what I am feeling, it would look like a fury. A hurricane blowing everything around me. I am standing out in the open ducking, jumping and trying my best not to get blown away. Huge things, cars, pieces of peoples roofs, chairs, cattle, dirt, trees, other people… all flying around me. Chaos. Do you sense chaos?
So imagine that. Now imagine me walking away. Turning my back on all of it and walking away. That’s not an easy task amidst all of the chaos – it’s fury. Fury doesn’t let you go with ease, it’s pushes and pushed until you buckle. So my choice to walk away is obviously being met with resistance. What’s new.
I’m not exactly sure how I have come to the conclusion that I have, but it’s time to walk away. I am making that true for me in a series of ways, some big and some very, very small. Just be. This is an important part of my journey right now. I am educating myself in peace. Just be. In our world of hurt and chaos – making a point to be still is very anti norm.
Over the last year I have gotten so caught up in other peoples expectations and others people influence that I totally lost myself. It’s weird how that can happen. It did though. It came to a point that I was completely lost. Let’s think for a moment…
My kids are struggling and need reassurance. – I can be that steady rock for them. It’s part of who I am to be that for them. When I was lost – that rock was built on sand. I was pulled in so many directions that I was no better than quicksand.
I experienced a relationship. There came a point though that I realized that I was not myself. I was being someone that I wasn’t comfortable with. Whether is was a karaoke song sung in the presence of our peers – which was probably the most uncomfortable I have ever felt. EVER, or a visit on the same weekend that my son turned 14, or series of choices that I constantly felt uncomfortable with after the fact… Whatever the reasons. It’s my choice. I walked away. It was what I needed to do. I thought that we could salvage a friendship. I don’t think so anymore. He is incapable of it right now. As adults I am very surprised and shocked about the level of drama this is causing. We have quite a few similar friends and he is constantly putting up status’ about his pain. I feel bad, or I did now I just feel anger. Constantly. I want to yell, man up. My gosh.
One of the main reasons we split in the first place was because of my children. I needed to work on somethings with them. Rebuild the trust that they felt that they lost. The ‘guy’ though was a little bit too ‘with me’. He can’t seem to respect my space – or as it’s pivotal because of the hurts caused previously with my children, my privacy. Every status, every picture, every comment, no matter what I was doing or where I am going he is there. Commenting, watching, crying out. It’s to the point now I don’t really even know how or what to do other than to create distance.. I feel like I see him differently now. It may have started with him reaching out to his ex immediately after we broke up but now it’s a succession of things all down in a fashion that I don’t understand. It’s far to much drama for me to participate in even slightly.
I am so reluctant to go back this summer to take the next three courses of the certificate I am working towards. We will be in the same class – and for me this new life direction was supposed to be healing and affirming. I wanted to leave my drama filled life behind even for a few days and focus on something greater than myself. My work. New friendships. Akkkk this is why I am so mad at myself. I ruined any chance of that by dating him. He has splashed so vulgarly his pain all over Facebook that now everyone knows. It’s humiliating. He is making me feel the way my ex does. I was always humiliated that same way. Nothing private. Ever.
In my marriage, I had NO ROOM to breathe. I was watched constantly. Always. It’s so controlling. Now this guy, is behaving the same way. This morning I took him off my twitter. I can’t watch another day of his crying out. It makes me feel so guilty. I didn’t want him to get hurt – but I can’t be with him when it’s going to hurt my children. I can’t be with him when it’s going to hurt my soul. I am not ready to have anything beyond a friendship with anyone. I have accepted that. It’s perfectly ok to live my life this way – alone. I love my space. I love being a Mom. I love my work. I love that I am getting to know my wider family again. I love that I am reconnecting with old friends and making new ones. I love that my health is improving so that I might adventure once again. There are so many things to be thankful for. I can’t be made to feel guilty. Boundarys are going to be respected now. I will not let go of that. “He” just isn’t respecting mine – I feel guilty, so I will stop. No more, it’s over.
Guilty. It’s messy. Guilt is such a powerful tool if used maliciously. I have lived my whole life, my whole life, that’s a long time – being made to feel guilty. I’m just not living it again. This is me walking away. I am going to walk away from all things that hurt me. That’s what I feel I need to do for myself right now. I choose this.
I am going to celebrate opportunities for happiness. Happiness.
“Take time with the stars. Sit under them. Walk with them. Let yourself dance with them. Be with these friends of the universe and let them speak to you of the journey of your heart.”
I found this today: It’s speaks volumes to me.
Yesterday, I had an opportunity to go hiking. Well if you can call snow-shoeing up a mountain to reach a peak in order to have a few moments of peace, hiking. That’s what I did. I had so much time to think, but I also had time to not think at all. Just push my body, focusing on one foot in front of the other, push, push, overcome, breathe, exhale, step, step. I used to run like that. I loved running because of that. It was hard. I hurt. I pushed and I overcame. It feels so good.
Yesterday I saw a sun halo. It was full and beautiful. Scientifically I understand how sun halos are formed but magically, thinking whimsically I believe that they represent positive change.
As I walked along, listening to my hiking partner I started to feel a welling of hope. He was telling me about future hiking/climbing opportunities that are somewhat planned for the coming months. He and his girlfriend are part of a wider circle of outdoor enthusiasts that specialize in everything from Kayaking to Ice Climbing. I felt this little rush. Finally I found ‘my people’. I need this in my life. It’s been almost a year since I was injured. It’s been a year since my life starting spinning. I pushed my self to the side and look how that turned out. I got completely lost.
My conclusion is this. The things that are really important to me I am going to put first. My God (trusting, taking time to Be) my health (mental and physical), my children (whether near or far), my work – including my faith formation courses, building relationships – friends have never been a priority but I feel like now is a good time to start working on that.
People, other people, any other people that push me in any way form or shape will be cut. Cut right out of my life. I just won’t be made to feel anything from anyone else.
I am going to hold on to the good things that happen to me, to the experiences that come before me. I am not naive. I know trial lay ahead but I think in the words of St Fransis de sales.. rather than questioning God I will thank him & pray for trust.
Rather look to them with full confidence that, as they arise,
Whenever you cannot stand, He will carry you lovingly in His arms.Do not look forward to what may happen tomorrow.
The same Eternal Father who cares for you today
Either He will shield you from suffering or He will give you the unfailing strength to bear it.Be at peace, then, and put aside all useless thoughts, vain dreads, and anxious imaginations.–St. Francis de Sales,
Introduction to the Devout Life