..insanity..

What is that saying..

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Welcome to my life. I am so effing livid today I can’t calm myself. I don’t even know how. I ran even. I felt zero pain. That’s how mad I am. LIVID. It’s the very worst I think, because who I am the most mad at right now is – myself. I made a mistake – it put me in this vulnerable position and now I have to suffer the consequences.

People are the same. I am so stupid. STUPID. I was so lonely that I got side tracked, I was blinded by an idea and now I am suffering the gravest consequences. Dd is moving out – Ds already did. I can’t breath. It’s not possible to function with out a heart is it?

Last summer – why am I such a needy slut. I was in the perfect position to rebuild. Life was steading. Things were alright with DH – Kids were happy. I was on the brink of something big. A really big choice. A positive change. And then HE walked into the room. Cute, Tattooed, Quiet – Intriguing. We got to talking and well life just started to sparkle. I thought – cool someone new that is interested in me and it helped that he said he was interested in scuba diving and hiking and surfing and was totally faithful to God – He was smart and caring and a lot of other things too. I trusted right away. First mistake.

What a disaster. I admit I didn’t navigate the water very well – got in deep – blindly, fast and when that sobering moment came – realization – it was too late. I treaded water for a little while until it came the time to sink or swim.. What a freaking mess.

Now it’s all such a mess.

I think on paper – we were exactly what we both had been looking for. I think in reality we were both a little bit lonely and tried hard to make everything fit. It was a sham. I gave up the most important thing in the world, in my selfishness. I will never forgive myself.

I honestly don’t see the way out. I am just so darn lost. I am in a self pitying wretched mood. I cry all the time and can’t eat, sleep or even hardly put two feet in front of the other. I keep trying to escape but I can’t I am being forced to live this purgatory and nothing I can do is lessoning the pain.

HE doesn’t get it. The coffin is closed. In my irrational way – I hate him. He betrayed me with out even realizing it. Since then he’s done it over and over and over. It’s the little things. I have as nicely as I can asked him to refrain from doing – yet it’s not really about me is it? He’s no different than anyone else in my life. Selfish. Pictures. I fucking hate them. Mark my words. I will never – ever make that mistake again. My life is over because of that relationship. I am going to walk through the rest of my life as a shell – hating every damn second. I will pretend and be superficial when I have to. I will give God everything I have. Not as a willing sacrifice though. As a defeated soul. Every picture, every message, every reminder that I hurt someone else in this selfishness. I feel like exploding in anger.

I am who I am.

I am not insane though. I will never ever let this happen again. I will never ever, ever, ever, let someone into my safe space. That is what is going to change. I will have friends sure. Never ever again though will I suffer at the hands of hormones or sparkles or a whim.

I am forever damaged. Without my children I am nothing. I have nothing.

And – since I realize that YOU don’t respect my boundaries – I expect you will read this. Please walk away – move on, no more pictures. Every time I see one – it’s brings me to a place that I feel very vulnerable. You are doing that. I need to move on. PLEASE I am going to take you off my Twitter account. I can’t feel this way anymore. I can’t be made to feel guilty about you. I am too empathetic. It’s haunts me. Your posts make me feel like the worst meanest person in the world. I am sorry. I truly didn’t plan for any of this. My kids are the most important thing I have and have ever had and ever will have in my life. Unwillingly US happened to be the straw that broke the camels back. I thought if you and I could find a friendship – as that really should have been at first – what it was then – we could find a place for each other. Each time I let my guard down a little bit – there is something else. I know you are watching me and it makes me REALLY uncomfortable. I can’t feel like that anymore. I need to have SPACE. And privacy and it’s my fault for documenting so throughly our time together – but each time you post something. It’s a reminder that my son left and I didn’t choose him. I wasn’t paying enough attention and it’s my fault. I don’t want you to watch me. I don’t like it.

I am done. I don’t even want to write anymore.

My life as I knew is – is over.

I lay crumpled at the foot of the cross – defeated. Blood of Jesus protect me – from myself.

Acceptance. Please world – just leave me alone.

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