What a weekend. Really. WHAT. A. WEEKEND.
I think I will start by saying – I am a hot mess.
For a million reasons I am in a weird place and it feels like a very deep pit with very high smooth granite walls. No matter how I try to scramble out – I just keep sliding back.
I feel a bit like screaming. I feel a bit like bawling. I feel a bit like running away. I feel a bit like hiding in a cave. I feel a bit like I’ve stepped out of *my* life and am watching it all unfold like a person in a viewing room over seeing the major decisions of life but not actually partaking in the process.
I know I sound dramatic. What’s new. I am dramatic. I am also lonely and scared and disappointed and fiercely mad at the world. I hate who I am. Today. I hate who I am. I have so many regrets and most of them right now are due to poor choices I made all by myself. I am feeling jaded. I feel like crying and complaining about the unfairness of life so here I am slamming my fingers against my keyboard in sublime frustration.
On the first night of our retreat – we went into the chapel for Mass. I was distracted. I had a hard time focusing. After Mass we had the opportunity to for the first time in the weekend silently be. Christ was there on the alter. Listening. I don’t know what happened to me. I don’t usually let this happen when I am in a room filled with my kids. I cried. Angry, hot, flooding tears. Frustration and an outpouring of fury. I was internally yelling and writhing in pain. It was incredibly intense. Then. It was over. My spirit calmed and all I felt was an emptiness.
I passed the rest of the evening in a state of robotics. The mask firmly in place – playing along trying my best to be there.
That night I had a dream. It was a beautiful dream. I haven’t had a peaceful dream in months. Normally all I get are premonitions of doom and horror and so much sadness. But not this time. It was a dream about someone I don’t actually know very well. We work together – sort of.
In this dream I witnessed a man standing radiantly at the alter – I witnessed purest joy. It was so true that he was illuminated. I remember every detail of the gold embossed cherubs and the value of the artistic design, the centuries old pieces that made up the wall behind the altar. It was a funny perspective. Like I wasn’t really there but I was there. When I woke up that morning I had such flutters. Not in a romantic way – but in a joyful, peaceful way. I just wanted to lay there and relish the feeling I had. I am thankful – whatever the dream came to me for – whether it was affirmation for him or a reminder for me that joy is possible. I don’t know.
Later on that day, I was walking along these boardwalks in this emencly fence forest. It was a place that once you entered time stopped. It was alive. It was living and vibrant and whole. Inside this place – nothing mattered except the energy of life produced by the forest. I stopped and leaned against a tree and just was. I let myself be. Just be.
That’s when this hit me. A realization. I want joy. I want love. I want to find a soul that is compatible with mine without compromise. I am lonely. I never want to admit that. I am so busy and things are so difficult with my son and daughter that I like to feel in control so I pretend that I don’t need anyone. That’s a lie.
I do want to be whole. I want to be healed and I don’t know how long that will take if it ever will be but this is what I know – I thought by dating and it failing so miserably that, that must be a sign that I am not called to be with someone else. It made me really truly start contemplating my vocation. Am I called to religious life? Am I called to mission?
Where am I going?
Why can’t I figure this out.
I recognized something on this weekend away so near to the crashing waves and so quietly in the forest.
He just wasn’t the right one for me. I wanted so badly to make things right. To fit the model of ‘normal’. That I was incredibly impatient. I left God out and tried to make everything fit into my plan. In my time. Uhg I feel sick.
This is so typical of me. Act without thought. I shouldn’t have gotten so close to this person – mostly because what I needed more than anything was a friend and well I guess it’s hard at this age to ‘just be friends’ damn it chemicals and needs make themselves known and well all of sudden I thought I was in love. I said all the things I thought I should, I behaved in such a way that I thought I was moving forward. I wanted to be. I really did – so much so I overlooked a thousand things that I was uncomfortable with to make it true for me. BUT. I lied to myself. Lies never have a way of resisting the penetration of the truth. Sooner or later. Truth always does come out.
What are you left with then? Brokeness, hurt, regret, betrayal and animosity. None of which are qualities that you want near your heart. While I was leaning on the tree for a fleeting moment I had a feeling of total jealousy. My dream. I want that joyful person to be me. I want to feel like there is going to be such a peace in MY future. It brings tears to my eyes even now. Such a life I have lived – such a trial.
I want more than that.
How does one climb out of such a pit of coldness – smooth granite walls no where to grip nothing but effort and beautiful scenery none of which are tangible to me? Why NOT me?
Oh I have so much on my mind. It’s drowning me. Sliding back and sliding back.. slipping slowly down, down, down.
Where is my daughter going to go?
When will my son and I reconnect?
When will my ex ever leave me alone?
Where am I going to move too?
What is the best for my family?
What if I take the job away and am too ill-equipped?
What if I fail?
What if I can’t handle the change – I am terrified about moving there?
I am terrified that if I move there both kids will become ever further away from me than they are now.
I am so confused in which is the way to go. I am frustrated that I can’t count on anyone in my life. I am so tried of being alone all the time. I want so badly one person to come into my life that wants nothing from me other than my company and friendship. No relationship – just an easy person that I can just be with without all the drama of a relationship.
I want my DD more than anything else to choose me.
I want her to want me as much as I want her.
Being near the ocean this weekend reawakened something in my heart. Durring a meditation that was led by one of the retreat leaders, I went to a place vividly in my mind. After a bit I didn’t hear anything else that was outside of my self – I was just there sitting, listing interiorly. I heard Him.
“My daughter, know that I will never leave you. You are not meant to know all things, you will be obedient to my cross till the end and I will never leave you.”
What is that? What does that even mean. It made me cry. I let a few precious tears escape but was conscience enough to be aware of the presence of all my youth in the same room. Just a few hot tears.
Well – I heard Him as I always do in that environment. And through that weekend I recognized also the thing that has been missing – My muchness maybe. I need the water. I need the energy of that environment. I need to time to be still. It feeds my soul. I recognize that now.