..clubhouses, mocking jays & a piercing..

Well I have to say – yesterday was one for the books. At least in terms of Dh and his crazy lies. I think maybe it might be helpful to back up to the beginning of the weekend to explain properly.

I’ve had a lot going on lately, hence the infrequent posts. Packing, getting ready to move, moving, a retreat, a huge fundraiser that I was facilitating and then hosting two boys for the weekend while they were attending a football camp. I’ll write a bit about that in a second.

The move went particularly smooth – it was sunny but not too hot and we were able to get everything in two trips. By the time I picked up the boys from football camp it was all done. What a relief all that left me to do was to assemble this place back into a liveable shape.

I was in between courses having just finished off the last course on prayer and not yet starting on Sacramental Theology.. 5 days to literally catch up and then to slow down. In the end I get everything done that I needed too and ended up having a fantastic visit with my son and his friend who came along to the camp. I got to spend Sunday watching them play football and loved every single second of it.

I read a few books, and by a few I mean I read four books in five days!! I know that’s a bit crazy but each night the boys were so tired from the camp that they went to bed really early which left me hours and hours of quiet time and since I had no homework I chose to do something totally for me!! I first finished the book I had started earlier in the week – The Lucky One. It’s a Nicholas Sparks.. I know pretty cheesy stuff but when you are me and all you read is stuffy dry textbooks a little brain fluff now and again is pretty nice! Then… well. What. Can. I. Say. I bit into the pop culture craze that is known as the HUNGER GAMES.

Holy Batman! I read each book start to finish in one sitting each. I do read exceptionally fast, yes it’s true but quite literally I devoured them finishing the very last one in the weeeeeee hours of the morning Sunday night. I didn’t sleep in on Monday as much as I would have liked haha but talk about a great set of books. I loved them. Creative and compelling! I felt so drawn into this realism of humanity that challenged me to think about my own reactions in terms of self sacrifice and survival. WOW. Even a few days later it’s hard to let go of the characters.

You might be wondering what this has to do with DH? In fact nothing, nothing at all. It’s just to me the more interesting and exciting thing to talk right now about was news of the weekend. What happened with Dh is no different than anything that ever happens with him. Drama.

I think it was Sunday night – the boys were sleeping and I randomly got an email. It was from him – with a picture attached. Since I always share pictures with him of the kids if he is missing something I thought he was doing the same. Umm no. He sent me a picture of Dd with a NOSE RING. Oh my gosh I think my heart actually skipped a beat. Two days prior – Dd told me on the phone, “Dad says I can have a nose ring!!” I told her – I don’t think so, you’re too young. I thought even through he does pretty much everything and anything to spite me – even he would be sensible about this.

When I saw the picture, on so many levels I was instantly mad. She is only 12. She didn’t speak to me about it. She has about a thousand hours of dance rehearsals and performances coming up all that enforce no jewellery and just arrrgg. Why would he do that with out telling me first, after he KNOWS that I don’t approve. I checked with him when we got her ears pierced last year and that wasn’t even a big deal – this! THIS IS A BIG DEAL.

Well what could I do? Nothing. So I phoned a friend and we bashed Dh a little bit – highlight some of the ways we think he is a jerk. Haha. I calmed down and looked at the reality of the situation. Beyond it being incredibly disrespectful on his part going over my head, there really isn’t anything I can do about it. In the grand scheme of things having a nose ring right now will come with it’s own consequences due to the dance recital. In the bigger picture – it’s a nose ring – thank god not a tattoo or something that would have lasting permanent damage.

Exhale. No body ever said parenting teens would be easy.

So that night at our regularly scheduled FaceTime call – I took a breath prayed for strength and smiled. What else could I do?

When she picked up it wasn’t her. In fact it was Dh. He didn’t say one thing just that she was down stairs and would be right back and then kinda tried to make small talk. I was like – what an idiot. He was expecting me to be very mad.

I waited.

When Dd came to the phone she was covering her face with a pillow and acting all funny. A bit scared that I was going to be mad and a bit.. haha you can’t believe what I just did. So After a few minutes of her over acting this silly way – I cut to the chase and flat our asked her in my usual tone – ‘Why are you covering your face? Are you trying to hide your piercing? I thought you would be more excited about showing me? I told her – I had one when I was a teenager.’ SMILE. ‘She dropped the pillow all betrayed and was like – How did you know!!!! Why aren’t you mad?? Dad said you were going to freak out?‘ – So I asked, ‘Why would I – I was just thinking it might be hard for you with dance – it’s not the best timing but it’s you that will have to deal with the pain so what should I say? It’s not that big of a deal.’ All very calmly. Then she said – well since you are NOT mad can I PLEASE get one Mom!!! This one isn’t real! – OKAY that shocked me. I covered my shock and replied that we would talk about it after dance season is over… Then she said how did you know Mom? So I told her about the picture – that her dad had sent it to me earlier. She asked her Dad who was apparently right beside her but off camera why he did that?! She wanted to try and see if I could tell when we talked tonight… “Thanks a lot.. DAD.”

Awkward moment. He realized that he didn’t get the reaction he thought out of me by tipping me – it actually helped me deal with is better. By being tipped off I wasn’t super mad – having time to process the emotions – in fact I was pretty banal about the whole thing. Thanks be to God for some inward strength.

However with all that resolved – Dd found her self in comfortable conversation with me once again. This is a comfort level that she and I are getting accustomed too and during our conversation she accidentally let something slip. This was another shocker. He had no choice but to tell her it was okay to tell me – and if he actually thinks that it was okay to tell me – I can recognize how far off the rocker he is becoming in terms of acceptable parental behaviour. This though is a thought process for a whole other post.

So this special Daddy/Daughter weekend had an interruption. I have to include that the kids are very rarely if ever separated. They are either together at my house or together at his house but so rarely do we ever take one each. So Saturday night – Dh left dd with his mother over night so that he could attend a huge HA party in a different town – he has to drive right through my town to get there AND on top of her telling me that – she went on to tell me that he didn’t get home until 9 am that morning because he slept at the club house! HOLY HELL.

There are several obvious things wrong with this picture. Something that he said next though is what is truly bothering me. He – as if defending himself to me or to her I don’t know replied with a hearty “well I was still home at 9 am to take you shopping all day, wasn’t I??!” Really – you party all night long – and openly admit to be hanging with the HA and then think that as long as you go buy her some stuff the next day – all will be well and right with the world. Oh my gosh.

That’s not even what is bothering me, I mean it is but I pray fervently that he wasn’t using cocaine the night before. I know it wouldn’t have been totally out of his system by the next day and the way he sounded when he spoke was rough… that’s child endangerment! AND this is where my kids are going to be spending the next year. OH MY Gosh why can’t he just get his act together?

There was so much information that came out this weekend:

I heard from the kids that he has security cameras all over the house including in the bedrooms.

I heard from Ds’s friend that Ds won’t cross Dh or talk back over there because he’s afraid of Dh.

I heard that there is so much pressure to do the right thing that they can’t handle it sometimes everything has to be EXACTLY dh’s ‘way’.

Dd told me she had the best sleep of her life when dh wan’t there because she had their whole bed to herself.

Dd told me that she don’t understand why dh has the cameras all over the house – but she is thankful they are not in the bathrooms.

She told me dh told her that gramma that is living there is scary and she is afraid that if she doesn’t do what gramma wants she’ll get spanked – only if Dad’s not there though… then apparently in telling dad this – Dh told her grammas got a big bark but she is just a sweet old lady. Dd disagrees.

This is the same lady that makes Ds do all the chores and walk to the bus stop in what ever weather and go to school no matter what – sick or not because she is too crippled to do anything herself or for him.

Holy cow. I never say two words towards Dh about anything. I don’t have to – all I can do is give advice on how best to handle individual things and listen and give support. I don’t have to say anything. I just need to be strong and loving and caring and consistent and when ever they figure it all out – I will be here. If that takes years – well then I will be here loving them from afar and living my life the best I can manage.

I know my heart is pretty broken – it’s hard to fathom it ever being whole again and you know what that is just fine. I can honestly say I have done everything in my power to fight for them – now I will accept that I am at this cross road.

I will continue to trust God though I have zero control over anything going on with Dh. He is pretty crazy these days – my kids are not babies they will see just the way I did. I am going to continue putting effort in my prayer life to forgive him continually and to pray with out ceasing for his conversion.

I am going to walk – head up and follow my heart. It’s leading me pretty close to Jesus these days. It’s certainly not into the world and for that I am so, so grateful. It’s a gift truly.

I think for the first time I will be truly living in the world but absolutely not be living of it.

Tonight – I am going to make a nice dinner for K and I – she has some dance tonight as well and then we will tuck in like always – reading. We are in the middle of the first book of the Hunger Games 🙂 I love sharing stories with her!! We’re great book club members!!

Then the rest of the night will be Homework! Joy 😛 Wow this was a long post!

..mothers day..

Today is Mother’s Day.

I think we may have just stumbled upon a new tradition. Mothers & Daughters. Today my Mom, Sister, my daughter and hers went to an island for a day in paradise. It took us two ferries to get there but all of us were in adventurous spirits. It was one of the nicest Mother’s day I have ever spent.

I think, this surprised me. My Son, who is currently living with his Dad wasn’t here. He and I have been having so much trouble still – I wasn’t even sure I would hear from him. I know he loves me – it’s just the hardest thing all of this drama. He is changing. I feel bad, it actually breaks my heart to witness it all and know there is nothing I can do but pray. I know his environment is crazy. Living with his dad sure has it’s perks – and my fear, one of the bigger ones – his role model for being a gentlemen is truly unfortunate. I would not like Ds to treat woman the way his father does. It’s hard, hard to watch. Harder to hear Ds use the phrases and language of his father, harder even still to listen to him talk to me using his father words. I have decided to change my direction though. I think it was one of the hardest things I have experienced in my motherhood today. I put my foot down and pulled out some tough love. I asked my son to leave the last time he was home. He was being so rude to me – I simply asked him to call his father and get picked up as I won’t tolerate it any more. It turned out okay that day, his dad – trying to punish me wouldn’t come and in turn Ds and I had a good talk.

It didn’t last very long though almost the second he left that night Ds started texting me and asking a million questions – obviously his Dad was asking him so he turned to ask me. I am so tired of that. I don’t talk about him here – why can’t DH do me the same curtesy.

Well what ever they talked about – afterwords we were back to not talking. He didn’t end up coming here this weekend and I in turn made plans. I made other plans – I was determined to have a good day and I did. It was a beautiful, amazing, peaceful day. Ds txt messaged me this morning three words – Happy Mothers Day xoxo and I am satisfied with that.

This is part of my new action plan. I am not going to hinge my whole existence on their feelings and decisions. I have to carve out my own life. I will always be their mother. I will always love them and that pretty much what Ds and I talked about – I love him with all I’ve got. Just because everything changed – that didn’t. No matter where he goes or where I do – no matter how old he gets or how much time passes – I will ALWAYS love him and be here with open arms. That being said – I am not going to be guilted into allowing him or anyone to treat me poorly for sport. I am living and tightening me boundaries. My personal boundaries. I am going to do things that are good for me. Healthy things – I am going to take better care of me.

Today, today was a fantastic day. I went to one of my favourite places and I took some of my favourite people. My sister and her daughter, my daughter and my own mother. We hiked, we laughed, we ate delicious pastries, we talked and sang and simply enjoyed the overwhelming beauty of the place we had the opportunity to be. It was one of the nicest days i’ve had. I am so thankful. Truly thankful.

Tomorrow marks the beginning of what is going to be an incredibly busy three weeks. Dance recitals – End of school projects – Moving.

OY. Must remember to exercise, drink plenty of water, sleep enough and look at each day with joy and gladness.

..just be..

Well as you may have noticed my posts lately have been pretty sour. Sour is a very mild way to put it – I know.

Things have just been so hard, so messy with all the things changing all around me. If I had to put a visual onto what I am feeling, it would look like a fury. A hurricane blowing everything around me. I am standing out in the open ducking, jumping and trying my best not to get blown away. Huge things, cars, pieces of peoples roofs, chairs, cattle, dirt, trees, other people… all flying around me. Chaos. Do you sense chaos?

So imagine that. Now imagine me walking away. Turning my back on all of it and walking away. That’s not an easy task amidst all of the chaos – it’s fury. Fury doesn’t let you go with ease, it’s pushes and pushed until you buckle. So my choice to walk away is obviously being met with resistance. What’s new.

I’m not exactly sure how I have come to the conclusion that I have, but it’s time to walk away. I am making that true for me in a series of ways, some big and some very, very small. Just be. This is an important part of my journey right now. I am educating myself in peace. Just be. In our world of hurt and chaos – making a point to be still is very anti norm.

Over the last year I have gotten so caught up in other peoples expectations and others people influence that I totally lost myself. It’s weird how that can happen. It did though. It came to a point that I was completely lost. Let’s think for a moment…

My kids are struggling and need reassurance. – I can be that steady rock for them. It’s part of who I am to be that for them. When I was lost – that rock was built on sand. I was pulled in so many directions that I was no better than quicksand.

I experienced a relationship. There came a point though that I realized that I was not myself. I was being someone that I wasn’t comfortable with. Whether is was a karaoke song sung in the presence of our peers – which was probably the most uncomfortable I have ever felt. EVER, or a visit on the same weekend that my son turned 14, or series of choices that I constantly felt uncomfortable with after the fact… Whatever the reasons. It’s my choice. I walked away. It was what I needed to do. I thought that we could salvage a friendship. I don’t think so anymore. He is incapable of it right now. As adults I am very surprised and shocked about the level of drama this is causing. We have quite a few similar friends and he is constantly putting up status’ about his pain. I feel bad, or I did now I just feel anger. Constantly. I want to yell, man up. My gosh.

One of the main reasons we split in the first place was because of my children. I needed to work on somethings with them. Rebuild the trust that they felt that they lost. The ‘guy’ though was a little bit too ‘with me’. He can’t seem to respect my space – or as it’s pivotal because of the hurts caused previously with my children, my privacy. Every status, every picture, every comment, no matter what I was doing or where I am going he is there. Commenting, watching, crying out. It’s to the point now I don’t really even know how or what to do other than to create distance.. I feel like I see him differently now. It may have started with him reaching out to his ex immediately after we broke up but now it’s a succession of things all down in a fashion that I don’t understand. It’s far to much drama for me to participate in even slightly.

I am so reluctant to go back this summer to take the next three courses of the certificate I am working towards. We will be in the same class – and for me this new life direction was supposed to be healing and affirming. I wanted to leave my drama filled life behind even for a few days and focus on something greater than myself. My work. New friendships. Akkkk this is why I am so mad at myself. I ruined any chance of that by dating him. He has splashed so vulgarly his pain all over Facebook that now everyone knows. It’s humiliating. He is making me feel the way my ex does. I was always humiliated that same way. Nothing private. Ever.

In my marriage, I had NO ROOM to breathe. I was watched constantly. Always. It’s so controlling. Now this guy, is behaving the same way. This morning I took him off my twitter. I can’t watch another day of his crying out. It makes me feel so guilty. I didn’t want him to get hurt – but I can’t be with him when it’s going to hurt my children. I can’t be with him when it’s going to hurt my soul. I am not ready to have anything beyond a friendship with anyone. I have accepted that. It’s perfectly ok to live my life this way – alone. I love my space. I love being a Mom. I love my work. I love that I am getting to know my wider family again. I love that I am reconnecting with old friends and making new ones. I love that my health is improving so that I might adventure once again. There are so many things to be thankful for. I can’t be made to feel guilty. Boundarys are going to be respected now. I will not let go of that. “He” just isn’t respecting mine – I feel guilty, so I will stop. No more, it’s over.

Guilty. It’s messy. Guilt is such a powerful tool if used maliciously. I have lived my whole life, my whole life, that’s a long time – being made to feel guilty. I’m just not living it again. This is me walking away. I am going to walk away from all things that hurt me. That’s what I feel I need to do for myself right now. I choose this.

I am going to celebrate opportunities for happiness. Happiness.

“Take time with the stars. Sit under them. Walk with them. Let yourself dance with them. Be with these friends of the universe and let them speak to you of the journey of your heart.”

I found this today: It’s speaks volumes to me.

Yesterday, I had an opportunity to go hiking. Well if you can call snow-shoeing up a mountain to reach a peak in order to have a few moments of peace, hiking. That’s what I did. I had so much time to think, but I also had time to not think at all. Just push my body, focusing on one foot in front of the other, push, push, overcome, breathe, exhale, step, step. I used to run like that. I loved running because of that. It was hard. I hurt. I pushed and I overcame. It feels so good.

Yesterday I saw a sun halo. It was full and beautiful. Scientifically I understand how sun halos are formed but magically, thinking whimsically I believe that they represent positive change.

As I walked along, listening to my hiking partner I started to feel a welling of hope. He was telling me about future hiking/climbing opportunities that are somewhat planned for the coming months. He and his girlfriend are part of a wider circle of outdoor enthusiasts that specialize in everything from Kayaking to Ice Climbing. I felt this little rush. Finally I found ‘my people’. I need this in my life. It’s been almost a year since I was injured. It’s been a year since my life starting spinning. I pushed my self to the side and look how that turned out. I got completely lost.

My conclusion is this. The things that are really important to me I am going to put first. My God (trusting, taking time to Be) my health (mental and physical), my children (whether near or far), my work – including my faith formation courses, building relationships – friends have never been a priority but I feel like now is a good time to start working on that.

People, other people, any other people that push me in any way form or shape will be cut. Cut right out of my life. I just won’t be made to feel anything from anyone else.

I am going to hold on to the good things that happen to me, to the experiences that come before me. I am not naive. I know trial lay ahead but I think in the words of St Fransis de sales.. rather than questioning God I will thank him & pray for trust.

Do not look forward to the trials and crosses of this life with dread and fear.
Rather look to them with full confidence that, as they arise,
God to Whom you belong, will deliver you from them.He has guided and guarded you thus far in life.
Do you but hold fast to His dear hand, and He will lead you safely through all trials.
Whenever you cannot stand, He will carry you lovingly in His arms.Do not look forward to what may happen tomorrow.
The same Eternal Father who cares for you today
will take good care of you tomorrow and every day of your life.
Either He will shield you from suffering or He will give you the unfailing strength to bear it.Be at peace, then, and put aside all useless thoughts, vain dreads, and anxious imaginations.–St. Francis de Sales,
Introduction to the Devout Life