It’s funny how sometimes for me it takes these big huge drama’s to enable the movement of my heart.
The last few months. Well actually I’d say honestly it’s been this whole two years and it has just intensified in the last 6 months. I was just a little bit lost. My priorities where askew and I didn’t exactly know what I was doing or where I was going.
I tried to fit in several times to what I though I *should* be doing.
Things like; getting really involved in adrenaline pumping sports – that was definitely something I was using to try and define myself and I used it to escape. Some people turn to alcohol or drugs well I turned to mud and rain and runners and my snowboard.
Next I focused on my work – I certainly wasn’t sure what I was going to do. I was a stay at home Mom since the time I was 17 years old. I had no formal training doing anything. Thank God, and truly I thank God that he has given me a good brain and a decent work ethic. (Or maybe that was my parents) First I thought maybe RCMP and then crazily this position came, Youth Ministry. The training came and I felt called, it was such a lovely opportunity to work but also do a little good in the world and I really like that. It’s hard because of the wage, but over all I can be passionate about it and I feel like it’s a good fit for me. Flexible for the kids and it really allows me to have some freedom where other single parents most probably struggle. I get to pick up my daughter every day from school. I can stay home anytime she needs to. It’s really a huge blessing. Truly.
Lastly I tried dating. I have been so afraid of being alone that I thought this is what I was supposed to be doing. I really thought I needed to move towards getting remarried and having the ‘traditional’ family restored. Well although there were some shining shimmering moments, more often than not I was in a state of turmoil. Back in February, I nearly had a breakdown I was so stressed out. I felt so much pressure over the whole thing. He the guy i was dating wanted me to visit, my kids wanted me to stay, they hated him and due to the toxic nature of my relationship with my ex husband and his toxic relationship with my children it’s was a never ending source of trouble and stress. I honestly feel bad for him. He truly was the nicest man. Besides vying for my attention which was hard for me, but honestly I suppose he didn’t understand the complexity of being in my shoes, so he didn’t know that was hard for me. Aside from that he did it all right. Such a kind person. I didn’t go in February, and making that decision was a huge weight off my shoulders. I couldn’t believe how relived I felt. I spent the weekend with my kids and I recognized my own contentment. Right there quietly with them.
So here we are. I have just spent the last two months roughly, fighting. Fighting for my peace, fighting for my kids, fighting for my sanity, fighting to be everything to all people, fighting for some assurance that eventually it’s going to be alright. Today is Divine Mercy Sunday. It’s funny right. It always starts and end with Her.
Maybe on my path is reconciliation. Only I in my heart know the disorder that my life has met. Maybe it’s time now to put things right. Priorities. My children are number one. However, so am I. I am going to work slowly on restoring my whole self. Mind. Body. Spirit.
I am so thankful for this little gift of acceptance.
It means that I choose this life. I will be happy based on ME and no one else. My life will be full and promising and kind and funny, and I will be a blessing on those I meet. I will be alone, but not really. I have my family, I will cherish them and treat them well, I have my beautiful children and they are going to need much love in the years to come and I am here to willingly give it, I have my church and my prayer life which is such a constant comfort, I have the ministry that I serve and I will do my best to be a good servant leader, I have nature and time to spend there, I have the challenge of my studies which has given me a goal.
I feel like exhaling, I think I can finally exhale. I know I still have hell to get through, but the thing about that is to keep going!
Time to get ready for church, I am picking up my God Mother/Grandmother. She is coming back today for the first time in nearly 10 years. Divine Mercy, prayers for the conversion of all.
Jesus, I trust in YOU.