..Simon, Do you love me?..

I woke up this morning as per usual struck with worry. It seems that is my most dominant trait. Worried. This strange hour wake up time is becoming very, very frequent. It’s happening almost daily now. (or nightly I should say)

Today was something new, this 4:30 am wake up gripped my heart in a new way. Great, a new way to worry. 

I was thinking about my dd.

These last two years have been so hard for her, the divorce, the move, the uncertainty all the struggles to be happy. I am so saddened by the fact that she feels like she shouldn’t make friends, that friends are a waste of time and all the other things she is been brainwashed to believe. I am saddened by this because yesterday I witnessed something and I suppose this is where the worried wake up came from. Dd was with a group of little girls her own age, which is good. They were all playing at the park together. It was nice to see. Things were going okay, a few new girls showed up at the park and they were quickly included in the game and all was well, they all had fun. After the park we went back to my sil’s place. This is where it got sticky. For dd, her to best pals are her cousins. They have been there through thick and thin and she loves them and they love her. It’s a good dynamic as they are all very similar and play well together.

There is another girl that plays with them, she is part of the afterschool care program and has a great relationship with the other girls. It seems like there is a bit of jealousness and competition for the attention happening though and I think that is what worries me. I know girls are a bit catty and this is actually very normal behaviour, but what actually worries me is that dd is so reluctant to let anyone new in. She is a little bit shy yes, but only in this one situation. I wish for her to be comfortable with people her own age. It’s a very important skill, socially. She is content at the moment to hang around excessively dh’s 20 year old nanny. She has recently told me they are good friends. I don’t know how to help. I want her to experience all the joys and laughter the challenges and the new life skills that only can be learned by her self, through her peers. It’s coming back to this one thing, I don’t want her to move. I so badly do not want her to move. I want her to settle here, enter the new middle school with all the other kids her age, as it will be the first time for everyone. It’s a great place to start over. Several schools feed into one so there will be new friendships being made. Gosh. I feel nauseated again.

That feeling brings me back to five am. I opened this page and found quickly in my half asleep, half panicked frame of mind this post below sitting in my drafts folder. It was written November 30th, 2011.

Today’s gospel is kind of confusing I think but on the other hand it’s incredibly redemptive. I love it- the symbolisim is HUGE. It foretells to us the life we might experience without Christ.

Jesus’s apostles  go back to work. They have just experienced this huge traumatic event, their friend was crucified. It doesn’t get much more traumatic than that. Jesus was tried unjustly, as he was innocent!  The 12 guys walked with him, their friend and teacher as He healed people, restored life, spoke with them endlessly about something great… Eternal life.

Imagine being there?

The greatness that would have come from this simple man. Can you even imagine the next 3 and a half days… He is ripped away, grossly ridiculed beaten and hung on a tree! Can you imagine that?

I think it would have been terrified of the frenzy.

The apostles scattered in fear, hid and Simon Peter even denied knowing Him.

Imagine that? Talk about bailing on your firend with the water gets hot!

It’s all done, it is finished. They know He is supposed to come back, to rise from the dead. Isn’t that what He told them?

In John 2.19 is says, Jesus answered them, “Destroy this temple, and in three days I will raise it up.”

But when will they see him again?

I think I would have felt a little lost to be honest. So what can they do but try and move on,

some even went back to work.

This is what facinated me about this gosple, they are fishermen, and returning back to work they caught NO FISH.

Why is that?

It’s symbolic, without Christ – life is empty and meaningless.

I love how this gosple in particular reminds us of the 4th watch, you know that eery time of night between 3 and 6 am.

This is Christ’s time. He comes to the Apostles at dawn. 

The above is the ultimate entrustment in Christ Jesus.

So that is a little bit strange right? To me I took it as a little sign from God reminding me that He is near. When I wake up like that to entrust my fears to Him. For it is only in Him that I will make it through all this heartache and uncertainty. I do not know what is coming for me or for us. I have no way of knowing but I can hold on to one thing securely, God is Love. He is never further away than my plea in the night. I think this random stumble onto this very old post at 5am today is proof enough of that.

Matthew 14:25 “And in the fourth watch of the night He came to them, walking on the sea.”


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