..silence..

I put something up on Fb that read: “I feel older today. Like I’ve been aging rapidly for the last while through determined struggle and circumstance. Surprisingly, strangely actually, I’m okay with it. I suppose it’s because it feels like where I’m losing youthful jovial charisma I am experiencing hard earned wisdom. Wise is good too. #life #peace”

I was sitting in my car afterwork with nowhere to go and nothing to do. Well not quite I guess, there is homework awaiting me but I can’t even think coherently enough to get through that at the moment and that’s what was running though my brain. I feel old.

I feel like I’ve lost something, a piece of me I guess and now it’s pressing me, that harsh reality that is set before my very eyes and the illusion of youth is gone. Simply gone. Disappeared. I don’t feel sad. I don’t feel anything really. It just is. Reality. It’s calming. Wisdom. Who knew?

I miss my kids very, very much. I don’t really know how to be with out them in my day. It’s so quiet that I just feel lost. I think back to those times when I was a younger mother and everything was so busy that I hardly had time to pee in private. I look back now and am astonished how it’s all gone away. No more banging at the door, no more five piles of laundry, no more ‘one last thing’, no more messy  bun hair and dripped on jeans, no more sweet baby boy smells and her one more glass of water? or please Mom, just one. more. page…

Gosh, it goes fast. I knew that one day they would grow and one day they would be on their own and of themselves. But that’s not really what this is, is it? No it’s not. I keep thinking; Not like this. Not quite yet. Not right now. Just not like this. It’s not fair.

Fair though? Cliche as it is – that saying “life’s not fair” is acutely accurate. It’s really not.

And it all comes back to silence. It’s so loud sometimes I just want to scream. I won’t though.

Like the british, facing the great poverties of humanity which surly accompanies war..  My heartbreak can rival any that withstood those fateful tragic years. So here in the silence, I too am going to…

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