..his drama..

So here is a recent conversation via email that I’ve just had the pleasure of having with Dh.

Me:

Hi Dh, one more thing. How did Ds do on his report card? Could you take a picture of it and send it to me?
Also, I talked to my friend D and she wanted to make sure we knew foot ball sign ups were happening. Tonight 6-8pm.
There are a few fundraisers happening too if you are interested in helping.

Thanks.

Dh:

I will get you a copy sunday, an if d is involved with football I don’t need you being the messenger pass my number on or email I got it covered.

Me: 

Of course, that wouldn’t make sense logistically. I did give it to her. I gave her both – email and phone number.

I’ll still be involved in some capacity – of course you will be doing all the driving and making sure he is where he needs to be but I can help with random things fundraising or whatever to support the team. There is never enough help it seems. Also if ever you need me to help to drive to away games, I’d be more than happy to do it.

And thanks, I look forward to seeing Ds’s progress it sounds like he’s had a successful term.

Dh:

I’d rather not have it that way so you can discuss it with Ds if he wants you to be involved its up to him, its his activity he’s been looking forward to it for 2 years and I don’t want it to be ruined for him am sure you don’t either? 

Me:

Seriously? Listen, re-read the email. How would my supporting and encouraging our son in doing something that he loves be ruining it for him? His team needs equipment – if I can sell a few tickets how is that ruining it for him? That doesn’t even make sense. I offered to help with the driving because well why wouldn’t I? I would be watching him anyway. It’s not really a big deal. Now that he is living with you I’ll be parenting in a different way. I will still support his activities. He’s a good athlete. I am happy he is going to try out again. Just because he lives in another town doesn’t really change the fact that I care about what he’s involved in.

Dh:

No one said he isn’t a good athlete and I haven’t seen parenting from you with him in two years so who are you kidding or do you think its ok they way he talks to you, I emailed myself the conservation, in my opinion your just going through the motions saying all the things a parent would say to there child, but there is NO action  what so ever backing up those words up , but I’m getting a second opinion thursday, it reminds me of our marriage and pretty soon 14 years will go by and he will be grown up.  and besides he was living with you and you couldn’t get him to leave the house with you and you think all these activities we are doing are all his idea? Lol ummm NO.  Now that’s good parenting.

Me: 

You are so filled with hate. I feel sorry for you. I hope one day you will be free of it. No matter what you say or do, my children are my children. I love them.

 

There really doesn’t seem to be much I can say.

Not to defend myself but – my ds broke his arm the first winter we lived here – snowboarding. It was such a bad break that he had to have it re-broken and eventually he needed surgery. He was off all sports for more than a year.

AND FTR

I invite him to come every weekend that I am not working, every holiday and I even offer to come for coffee or lunch or dinner or what ever he wants. I ask him to Skype, I ask him to call. I call him every day, I text him throughout the day to check in. I don’t know what else to do.

Dh is systematically taking him away. It’s changes nothing, I am going to be like an iron horse. I will take every ounce of punishment they can dish out and guess what – I was in labor with that boy for 27 hard hours. I’ve stayed awake all hours of the night, read the same story 70000 times, kissed scraped knees, chased away bad dreams and all anxieties, I washed clothes, fixed holes, baked cookies, listened and defended and cheered..

I have always been there for my son. Always.

He didn’t want to move here, well guess what neither did I but I couldn’t live in a home that Dh was constantly storming into and threatening me. I had to make it work. I had to make this new reality work.

I left my marriage with nothing, no money what so ever and guess what – I made it. I supported us.

I am so sad and broken hearted that this is happening. I miss my son so incredibly much – I can’t imagine my life without him in it.

Reality check – that is the life I am currently living.

NOT MY CHOICE.

This is not a competition Dh, it’s really not. You might think you are winning because you have successfully manipulated a 14 year old. That is the saddest part of all. It makes me sick. My poor son.

..just, me..

It’s funny how sometimes for me it takes these big huge drama’s to enable the movement of my heart.

The last few months. Well actually I’d say honestly it’s been this whole two years and it has just intensified in the last 6 months. I was just a little bit lost. My priorities where askew and I didn’t exactly know what I was doing or where I was going.

I tried to fit in several times to what I though I *should* be doing.

Things like; getting really involved in adrenaline pumping sports – that was definitely something I was using to try and define myself and I used it to escape. Some people turn to alcohol or drugs well I turned to mud and rain and runners and my snowboard.

Next I focused on my work – I certainly wasn’t sure what I was going to do. I was a stay at home Mom since the time I was 17 years old. I had no formal training doing anything. Thank God, and truly I thank God that he has given me a good brain and a decent work ethic. (Or maybe that was my parents) First I thought maybe RCMP and then crazily this position came, Youth Ministry. The training came and I felt called, it was such a lovely opportunity to work but also do a little good in the world and I really like that. It’s hard because of the wage, but over all I can be passionate about it and I feel like it’s a good fit for me. Flexible for the kids and it really allows me to have some freedom where other single parents most probably struggle. I get to pick up my daughter every day from school. I can stay home anytime she needs to. It’s really a huge blessing. Truly.

Lastly I tried dating. I have been so afraid of being alone that I thought this is what I was supposed to be doing. I really thought I needed to move towards getting remarried and having the ‘traditional’ family restored. Well although there were some shining shimmering moments, more often than not I was in a state of turmoil. Back in February, I nearly had a breakdown I was so stressed out. I felt so much pressure over the whole thing. He the guy i was dating wanted me to visit, my kids wanted me to stay, they hated him and due to the toxic nature of my relationship with my ex husband and his toxic relationship with my children it’s was a never ending source of trouble and stress. I honestly feel bad for him. He truly was the nicest man. Besides vying for my attention which was hard for me, but honestly I suppose he didn’t understand the complexity of being in my shoes, so he didn’t know that was hard for me. Aside from that he did it all right. Such a kind person. I didn’t go in February, and making that decision was a huge weight off my shoulders. I couldn’t believe how relived I felt. I spent the weekend with my kids and I recognized my own contentment. Right there quietly with them.

So here we are. I have just spent the last two months roughly, fighting. Fighting for my peace, fighting for my kids, fighting for my sanity, fighting to be everything to all people, fighting for some assurance that eventually it’s going to be alright. Today is Divine Mercy Sunday. It’s funny right. It always starts and end with Her.

Maybe on my path is reconciliation. Only I in my heart know the disorder that my life has met. Maybe it’s time now to put things right. Priorities. My children are number one. However, so am I. I am going to work slowly on restoring my whole self. Mind. Body. Spirit.

I am so thankful for this little gift of acceptance.

It means that I choose this life. I will be happy based on ME and no one else. My life will be full and promising and kind and funny, and I will be a blessing on those I meet. I will be alone, but not really. I have my family, I will cherish them and treat them well, I have my beautiful children and they are going to need much love in the years to come and I am here to willingly give it, I have my church and my prayer life which is such a constant comfort, I have the ministry that I serve and I will do my best to be a good servant leader, I have nature and time to spend there, I have the challenge of my studies which has given me a goal.

I feel like exhaling, I think I can finally exhale. I know I still have hell to get through, but the thing about that is to keep going!

Time to get ready for church, I am picking up my God Mother/Grandmother. She is coming back today for the first time in nearly 10 years. Divine Mercy, prayers for the conversion of all.

Jesus, I trust in YOU.

..Simon, Do you love me?..

I woke up this morning as per usual struck with worry. It seems that is my most dominant trait. Worried. This strange hour wake up time is becoming very, very frequent. It’s happening almost daily now. (or nightly I should say)

Today was something new, this 4:30 am wake up gripped my heart in a new way. Great, a new way to worry. 

I was thinking about my dd.

These last two years have been so hard for her, the divorce, the move, the uncertainty all the struggles to be happy. I am so saddened by the fact that she feels like she shouldn’t make friends, that friends are a waste of time and all the other things she is been brainwashed to believe. I am saddened by this because yesterday I witnessed something and I suppose this is where the worried wake up came from. Dd was with a group of little girls her own age, which is good. They were all playing at the park together. It was nice to see. Things were going okay, a few new girls showed up at the park and they were quickly included in the game and all was well, they all had fun. After the park we went back to my sil’s place. This is where it got sticky. For dd, her to best pals are her cousins. They have been there through thick and thin and she loves them and they love her. It’s a good dynamic as they are all very similar and play well together.

There is another girl that plays with them, she is part of the afterschool care program and has a great relationship with the other girls. It seems like there is a bit of jealousness and competition for the attention happening though and I think that is what worries me. I know girls are a bit catty and this is actually very normal behaviour, but what actually worries me is that dd is so reluctant to let anyone new in. She is a little bit shy yes, but only in this one situation. I wish for her to be comfortable with people her own age. It’s a very important skill, socially. She is content at the moment to hang around excessively dh’s 20 year old nanny. She has recently told me they are good friends. I don’t know how to help. I want her to experience all the joys and laughter the challenges and the new life skills that only can be learned by her self, through her peers. It’s coming back to this one thing, I don’t want her to move. I so badly do not want her to move. I want her to settle here, enter the new middle school with all the other kids her age, as it will be the first time for everyone. It’s a great place to start over. Several schools feed into one so there will be new friendships being made. Gosh. I feel nauseated again.

That feeling brings me back to five am. I opened this page and found quickly in my half asleep, half panicked frame of mind this post below sitting in my drafts folder. It was written November 30th, 2011.

Today’s gospel is kind of confusing I think but on the other hand it’s incredibly redemptive. I love it- the symbolisim is HUGE. It foretells to us the life we might experience without Christ.

Jesus’s apostles  go back to work. They have just experienced this huge traumatic event, their friend was crucified. It doesn’t get much more traumatic than that. Jesus was tried unjustly, as he was innocent!  The 12 guys walked with him, their friend and teacher as He healed people, restored life, spoke with them endlessly about something great… Eternal life.

Imagine being there?

The greatness that would have come from this simple man. Can you even imagine the next 3 and a half days… He is ripped away, grossly ridiculed beaten and hung on a tree! Can you imagine that?

I think it would have been terrified of the frenzy.

The apostles scattered in fear, hid and Simon Peter even denied knowing Him.

Imagine that? Talk about bailing on your firend with the water gets hot!

It’s all done, it is finished. They know He is supposed to come back, to rise from the dead. Isn’t that what He told them?

In John 2.19 is says, Jesus answered them, “Destroy this temple, and in three days I will raise it up.”

But when will they see him again?

I think I would have felt a little lost to be honest. So what can they do but try and move on,

some even went back to work.

This is what facinated me about this gosple, they are fishermen, and returning back to work they caught NO FISH.

Why is that?

It’s symbolic, without Christ – life is empty and meaningless.

I love how this gosple in particular reminds us of the 4th watch, you know that eery time of night between 3 and 6 am.

This is Christ’s time. He comes to the Apostles at dawn. 

The above is the ultimate entrustment in Christ Jesus.

So that is a little bit strange right? To me I took it as a little sign from God reminding me that He is near. When I wake up like that to entrust my fears to Him. For it is only in Him that I will make it through all this heartache and uncertainty. I do not know what is coming for me or for us. I have no way of knowing but I can hold on to one thing securely, God is Love. He is never further away than my plea in the night. I think this random stumble onto this very old post at 5am today is proof enough of that.

Matthew 14:25 “And in the fourth watch of the night He came to them, walking on the sea.”