I am giving myself one day and one day only. I feel terrible. It felt terrible letting Dd go this afternoon. These last few weeks have been incredibly hard and I have been holding it all together by what feels like a thread. All the times I didn’t let my self cry, all the times I kept everything going, all the times I smiled when I could barely breathe.. tonight I let go.
I am going to sit here on this couch and wallow a little bit. Well that was my plan. Homework books are staying shut. Food isn’t my priority. Got some movies to watch and then early to bed and a good night sleep. Tomorrow I will figure out what to do.
It WAS what I was going to do until I opened my Twitter that is. I don’t know what even made me do it. Not opening my Twitter, but what I did next. I have really, really good intuition. It’s actually freakily acute. A million times I have made a decision to do something and even when all the words coming at me are saying one thing, my gut tells me another and eventually the truth always comes out. My gut having been right in the first place. I trust it.
Well I wasn’t going to cry but then Soul Surfer is on and the scene where Bethany is on the mission and she teaches those little kids to surf is playing.. it makes me think perspective. CRY! So much for not crying.
So back to the Twitter, I decided to look up DH. Why now? I have no idea. However there he is. His profile picture is his harley and our doberman. His tweets are nothing but SEX. It’s freaking disgusting. How can this man have a daughter. He has absolutely NO RESPECT for woman. My case is building. I hate to live like this but I must be aware and protective. It’s my job to pay attention.
You know, maybe these last few weeks have been my time in the desert. It’s Lent right. The point of Lent is to reevaluate where you are in your relationship with God. To get rid of those things that are standing in between you and Him. To recognize the eternal sacrifice and be thankful for it. At least that’s how I look at Lent. My life has been horrific these last few weeks, but today I was thinking about that. Maybe, even though I have felt like I was in this really dark place and haven’t felt that loving presence I am used to, maybe my faith is stronger now? God know’s me better than I know my self and he trusts me to endure all of this, because He knows that there is something much greater coming. Is that a tiny bit of hope? Do I have Hope again? It seems like Hope.
I can definitely attest to this being a time of chaos. I am fighting with all I have to remain calm and not let the hurt from DH ruin my life. I don’t know how or when it will ever stop. I can’t really even imagine a regular life that doesn’t involve all this craziness. Imagine having a regular routine, sharing our kids happily, praying for each other and them, wanting the best to come to each of our lives. Imagine?
I heard a quote yesterday that seems quite appropriate.
“If you can’t solve it, it’s not a problem–it’s reality.”
So this is where I am at. This is MY reality. No it’s not ideal, but it is.
I have been given some enlightening moments over the last few weeks and I will give them the attention necessary. At the end of the day though, I am going to carry on. I will love my kids, protect them, teach them, pray for them, the very best I can.
I know who I am going to feed and that is enough for now.