..endless grey..

What a messy few months. Not a lot has changed since the last post. Time has passed and I have been really sick and have made the decision to move to the town that my parents live in but that’s not really much. More than anything else I am missing my son.

It’s crazy how my life is unfolding. I miss him with all I’ve got. It’s the most heartbreaking thing I have ever watched happen. The systematic lies he is being fed, the slow and steady disintegration of our relationship at the hand of his father. It’s actually makes me vomit a little bit in my mouth. Nauseated. I feel nauseated all the time.

What can I do to help him, what can I do to help my son to see clearly? To help him see past the lies and the manipulation and the unkindnesses? I have not even the slightest idea why my ex husband hates me so much? He seems to have hated me from the very beginning. All the way back, when I was 17 and woke up in a pool of my own blood with his mother wiping my face and them panicking wondering if I was dead or alive. Or when I was 18 and very pregnant and very alone and he accidentally called me while he was hooking up with some random girl. Oh why didn’t I leave him then? Why was I so stuck on the idea that I could change him. I lived through so much hurt, so many black eyes, broken bones, endless cheating, always cheating. I lived for those few precious moments that he said he was sorry and that he loved me and that he just wanted to be a family.

Is that what made me stay so long? I had two little kids that I loved more than anything. BUT and this influenced me significantly, he always, always told me that if I left him he would do everything in his power to make sure I would never see my kids again.Funny, after the last time – I call it the last time because it was the time before I called the cops for the first time… but I was scared for my life and it was then that I made a decision. No more I thought, I want more than this existence. I said to my self as he was standing over me with his fist raised in the back of our closet, I was crying hysterically and he was yelling.. so much yelling.. but it happened then.. I just went some where else in my head. I decided I would rather live. I didn’t want to die. I said to my self, good will triumph over evil and I need to save my own life and get away before he not only takes mine but teaches our kids that his behaviour is okay. I NEVER want Ds to treat a woman the way his father treated me, nor do I ever want my daughter to think our relationship is what love looks like.

Here we are though 2.5 years later and my son is gone, and my daughter is going. I am hanging on to her the best I can and am as constant as I can be for both of them.I still don’t talk about her father with any malice, I treat him with respect in her eyes. I always will. AND I will love them through this. I will never stop loving them. It’s the harshest thing I have experienced in my life. It hurts so bad. It’s the worst kind of pain & I am so afraid.

All my life I have wanted to be a good mom, love my kids, take care of their needs, love them, support them, help them grow into amazing adults. I am not going to see that part. I may not see much from here on out. I am not resigning but I am no longer sure what to do. It’s a bit crazy, nothing I say, do, or feel can ever just be. Dh comes along and twists it into a messy cage of horror.

I am stuck, holding on. Praying and hoping and praying some more that one day he will stop and let me back into Ds’s life.

I need to find something to keep me going. If I loose my self in this, then he wins. That’s really all he wants. To see me destroyed. It comes back to hate. I don’t understand it. I never did and probably I never will. He hates with all that he has. It blinds him.

I honestly don’t think he gets that it will hurt the kids to have me out of their lives. It’s unnecessary.

Breathe, breathe, breathe.

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