..one day..


I am giving myself one day and one day only. I feel terrible. It felt terrible letting Dd go this afternoon. These last few weeks have been incredibly hard and I have been holding it all together by what feels like a thread. All the times I didn’t let my self cry, all the times I kept everything going, all the times I smiled when I could barely breathe.. tonight I let go.

I am going to sit  here on this couch and wallow a little bit. Well that was my plan. Homework books are staying shut. Food isn’t my priority. Got some movies to watch and then early to bed and a good night sleep. Tomorrow I will figure out what to do.

It WAS what I was going to do until I opened my Twitter that is. I don’t know what even made me do it. Not opening my Twitter, but what I did next. I have really, really good intuition. It’s actually freakily acute. A million times I have made a decision to do something and even when all the words coming at me are saying one thing, my gut tells me another and eventually the truth always comes out. My gut having been right in the first place. I trust it.

Well I wasn’t going to cry but then Soul Surfer is on and the scene where Bethany is on the mission and she teaches those little kids to surf is playing.. it makes me think perspective. CRY! So much for not crying.

So back to the Twitter, I decided to look up DH. Why now? I have no idea. However there he is. His profile picture is his harley and our doberman. His tweets are nothing but SEX. It’s freaking disgusting. How can this man have a daughter. He has absolutely NO RESPECT for woman. My case is building. I hate to live like this but I must be aware and protective. It’s my job to pay attention.

You know, maybe these last few weeks have been my time in the desert. It’s Lent right. The point of Lent is to reevaluate where you are in your relationship with God. To get rid of those things that are standing in between you and Him. To recognize the eternal sacrifice and be thankful for it. At least that’s how I look at Lent. My life has been horrific these last few weeks, but today I was thinking about that. Maybe, even though I have felt like I was in this really dark place and haven’t felt that loving presence I am used to, maybe my faith is stronger now? God know’s me better than I know my self and he trusts me to endure all of this, because He knows that there is something much greater coming. Is that a tiny bit of hope? Do I have Hope again? It seems like Hope.

I can definitely attest to this being a time of chaos. I am fighting with all I have to remain calm and not let the hurt from DH ruin my life. I don’t know how or when it will ever stop.  I can’t really even imagine a regular life that doesn’t involve all this craziness. Imagine having a regular routine, sharing our kids happily, praying for each other and them, wanting the best to come to each of our lives. Imagine?

I heard a quote yesterday that seems quite appropriate.

If you can’t solve it, it’s not a problem–it’s reality.”

So this is where I am at. This is MY reality. No it’s not ideal, but it is.

I have been given some enlightening moments over the last few weeks and I will give them the attention necessary. At the end of the day though, I am going to carry on. I will love my kids, protect them, teach them, pray for them, the very best I can.

I know who I am going to feed and that is enough for now.

..endless grey..

What a messy few months. Not a lot has changed since the last post. Time has passed and I have been really sick and have made the decision to move to the town that my parents live in but that’s not really much. More than anything else I am missing my son.

It’s crazy how my life is unfolding. I miss him with all I’ve got. It’s the most heartbreaking thing I have ever watched happen. The systematic lies he is being fed, the slow and steady disintegration of our relationship at the hand of his father. It’s actually makes me vomit a little bit in my mouth. Nauseated. I feel nauseated all the time.

What can I do to help him, what can I do to help my son to see clearly? To help him see past the lies and the manipulation and the unkindnesses? I have not even the slightest idea why my ex husband hates me so much? He seems to have hated me from the very beginning. All the way back, when I was 17 and woke up in a pool of my own blood with his mother wiping my face and them panicking wondering if I was dead or alive. Or when I was 18 and very pregnant and very alone and he accidentally called me while he was hooking up with some random girl. Oh why didn’t I leave him then? Why was I so stuck on the idea that I could change him. I lived through so much hurt, so many black eyes, broken bones, endless cheating, always cheating. I lived for those few precious moments that he said he was sorry and that he loved me and that he just wanted to be a family.

Is that what made me stay so long? I had two little kids that I loved more than anything. BUT and this influenced me significantly, he always, always told me that if I left him he would do everything in his power to make sure I would never see my kids again.Funny, after the last time – I call it the last time because it was the time before I called the cops for the first time… but I was scared for my life and it was then that I made a decision. No more I thought, I want more than this existence. I said to my self as he was standing over me with his fist raised in the back of our closet, I was crying hysterically and he was yelling.. so much yelling.. but it happened then.. I just went some where else in my head. I decided I would rather live. I didn’t want to die. I said to my self, good will triumph over evil and I need to save my own life and get away before he not only takes mine but teaches our kids that his behaviour is okay. I NEVER want Ds to treat a woman the way his father treated me, nor do I ever want my daughter to think our relationship is what love looks like.

Here we are though 2.5 years later and my son is gone, and my daughter is going. I am hanging on to her the best I can and am as constant as I can be for both of them.I still don’t talk about her father with any malice, I treat him with respect in her eyes. I always will. AND I will love them through this. I will never stop loving them. It’s the harshest thing I have experienced in my life. It hurts so bad. It’s the worst kind of pain & I am so afraid.

All my life I have wanted to be a good mom, love my kids, take care of their needs, love them, support them, help them grow into amazing adults. I am not going to see that part. I may not see much from here on out. I am not resigning but I am no longer sure what to do. It’s a bit crazy, nothing I say, do, or feel can ever just be. Dh comes along and twists it into a messy cage of horror.

I am stuck, holding on. Praying and hoping and praying some more that one day he will stop and let me back into Ds’s life.

I need to find something to keep me going. If I loose my self in this, then he wins. That’s really all he wants. To see me destroyed. It comes back to hate. I don’t understand it. I never did and probably I never will. He hates with all that he has. It blinds him.

I honestly don’t think he gets that it will hurt the kids to have me out of their lives. It’s unnecessary.

Breathe, breathe, breathe.